DP wants me to sign over 50% of the business or he's out.

[TrickyThings]

Quick backstory:

I moved to the EU to work as an au pair aged 27. I met DP and we pursued a relationship- he was 40 at the time.

Flashforward 1 Yr, we are living in his rental house in derelict part of the countryside. I'm pregnant.
We move during the pregnancy ( I wanted to be in the city , near opportunity). His friend offers cheap flat in very rough estate, I agree. I'm desperate to move.

Hes admittedly 'not worked for 20yrs'. Always relying on state and black money through projects and gigs. I was sick of being broke, so i set up an online business 18months ago.

This is the first full year of the business and it is set to turnover 200k. Now DP wants 50-50 partnership in it (changes status next year to limited company). I have my reservations because:

-we have a volatile relationship
-he has a drug problem
-he has unresolved past bank issues/ fines
-he does black money / illegal parties
-if he doesn't 'feel like' working he won't, (but he has got better)
-we had very traumatic couple years when DS was baby as he would disappear and party with his (20 years younger) mates and be wrecked all weekend.
-he never wanted me to legitimise the business in the first place, he wanted to stay on benefits and I said I didn't want this.

Granted, he's given good pointers to the business and now helps a lot because it makes money. That said the other issues still exist re drugs (disappearing / lying) and still, undeclared income.

Also,

-We aren't married. I bought the house we live in outright earlier this year.
-Every single bill is on my name.

He does
-almost 50 50 childcare
-all the practical house stuff including renovation works since we moved in earlier this year.
-most of paperwork because it's more convient (re language).

I come from a large family with plenty of support emotionally and financially. He comes from the complete opposite thus has nobody to talk to. This also means something regarding the epic power struggle between us.

DS is now 4 and in school. I work full time very hard, DP works when necessary but does other stuff and also has his own side project which is his passion and priority in life.

DP had a relapse this weekend and has been sick and useless all week because of it.

Yeaterday, after advice from a relative, I proposed he become a (well) paid employee he went ballistic. I mean ballistic. AIBU that I don't trust signing over half my business when I don't fully trust him? Very complex , any advice warmly welcomed!!

(For the record i have nothing against state benefits, I just did not want to raise my child on them. )

*your business assets could be...

Get him out of the business, get him out of your house and get him out of your life.

Get rid. By your own hard work you have built a business, bought a house, created a great life for yourself and your child.
He does nothing you cant pay for from a nanny/housekeeper.
Dont let your son grow up thinking that this man is what a man/father should be like.
You can do this for yourself and your wee boy.

Wtf give this grabby twat nothing. That is something you’d live to regret deeply

Why, why OP, are you putting up with this? Come on, wake up. You’ve got your shit together. You could be in a happy, settled and kind relationship with somebody else if you wanted. You do not need to put up with this for a single further second.

Don't sign anything at all over to him.

Don't make him an employee, because then you have to follow labour laws to sack him and that may be quite difficult in the country you live in (I know in France for example it's nigh on impossible to sack someone).

And VERY CAREFULLY and WITHOUT GIVING HIM ANY NOTICE get out of the relationship. I'm very serious. If there's a local DV charity like Women's Aid contact them discreetly to find out ways you can get him out of the house safely. This isn't a man who likes to follow rules - he thinks they don't apply to him.

You knew what he was like early on so why continue with the relationship and have a baby with him? The man was radioactive from the beginning, I can’t see what you saw worthwhile him. I despair when women do this and then continue to have a child with utter scum thinking they’ll change.

Make plans to leave him asap, can you return to the UK? If your business is online then it shouldn’t matter where you live.

You need to be careful you don’t lose your son because you’re willingly exposing him to a druggie. This would be my number one priority, why hasn’t it been yours as his mother?

Sorry, but the business is just one huge issue in all of this.

Why are you allowing your children to be raised around this inconsistent, harmful and volatile man?

You are clearly bright and capable, and whilst it would be hard, you seem like you are resourceful and could make it work. You've built a good business within 1 year, you're amazing! Leave this man to his nonsense and have a stable and happy life with your kids!!!!!

And by no means employ him or sign over anything to him!

I despair..............

Run away!!!

Sign half your business over to him? He could wreck it in days.

I'd be working on extricating myself from the whole relationship, not tying myself in more.

I voted YABU for staying with a loser like him. He will drag you down.

So you’re savvy enough to create a successful business in the space of 18 months, in the teeth of a Covid, in a different country, through a different language, buy a house in your own name etc but have to ask strangers on the internet if you should give half of all of that to a lazy, dishonest, agressive loser. Righto.

Give him half. When he throws that away in a few months drugging with people half his age (always an attractive trait in a 40something man), you can give him the other half.
Then your savings. Then your house. Have another child for good measure.

When he bounces out of your and your child’s life for good because you have nothing left for him to soak, you can come back and ask for advice on how to get over the shock of him being exactly who he has told you he is.

don't give him any share

don't employ him either!! I wouldn't want to be a colleague of my DH and that's in normal circumstances.

ps DH did have his own business and I had no share in it, there is no reason at all to give him a share.

Do not hand over your business.

I’m not usually a LTB type, but I see no reason why you would want to stay with this guy.

Addicted to drugs and wants half of your business? went ‘ballistic’ when you offered to pay him?

Did you seriously have to ask. Good luck op, with the baby and your business.

You would be absolutely insane to sign over your business. Insane.

He's a parasite. If you entertain this nonsense you will lose everything.

It really is that simple.

Why are you with him? You're bright, motivated and work hard. He's the complete opposite!

Sounds like you have nothing in common at all.

You don't trust him? You have no relationship.

I'd be looking at ending things with him. You'd be mad to give him half your business.

If you employed him, you’d have a live in employee and drug addict. Some countries have very strict labour laws so it is a good job he went ballistic. I wouldn’t go down this route but you could probably sack him for gross misconduct.

As for giving a druggie, who hasn’t worked for two decades, half your business, what could possibly go wrong?!

Tbh he’s been living with you for free. That is quite a lot of payment. Perhaps he will need some financial assistance to leave. However, I would start getting evidence of his irresponsibility and drug binges so that he doesn’t get custody. Then split.

signing over you'll continue allowing his behaviour, is this what you want to teach your kids? that you can have anything in life without doing anything or do you want to show them that if you work hard you might have a successful life? who do you want them to have as their role model him or you?

Don't sign over half of your business.
Don't take him on as a salaried employee.
If you must, contract him on a freelance basis for specific tasks.
Keep everything as clean and separate as you can, given inevitable arrest and/or separation one day.

I would not employ someone involved in illegal activities. Nor would I be in this relationship. Your big come-to-Mumsnet decision point was years ago, before you got pregnant with him. But that's not what you asked.

This 💯

I see it’s 98% YANBU. The 2% will probably be a combination of hit button by accident - not realising this can be altered and YABU for being with him in the first place.

I hope this is a troll post but…

1. Why did you get pregnant within 1 year of knowing him and then move with him into his shitting rental?
2. Why do you choose an unemployed 40 year old man who doesn’t have any assets (including house) instead of a man closer to your age?
3. Why are you still with a man with a drug problem, refuses to work, and gets involved in illegal activities? Especially as you have a child!
4. Why the hell would you consider giving him any ownership into your company?

Just kick him out. He has no right to live in your house. You and your son deserve to be safe. He is leeching off you.

You do not want to bring your DC up on benefits but it's ok to bring them up within a volatile relationship with a cock lodging druggie????
Are you even real?

^^This.

I kind of hope this is a troll post because it’s a ridiculous and depressing read otherwise.