He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

What did you want from him?

Yeah i probably would have thrown a slipper at him for that lack of compassion!

But now in future, whenever he moans about the slightest thing, footie results, missing out on something, stubbing his toe, you now have your answer ready for him!

Nobody here would be able to say without more context as we don't know your husband, how it was said, whether you find him cold usually or if this is out of character.

If this is the only example you have, it would be odd to jump to that conclusion after 1 conversation. Even odder to ask strangers on the Internet who don't know your husband at all and cant say whether he is cold and unable to talk about 'sad issues'.

Sorry about your parents.

People deal with stress and grief differently. It sounds like his mom's cancer is ongoing whilst yours is in the past? Still difficult for you, I understand, but Id imagine he just didnt want to deal with the conversation a that moment in time. I'm very much a "that's life" kind of person. Talking about it doesn't change the situation. If there isn't anything practical to discuss (how to get them to treatments, care plans etc) the. What is the point in dwelling on it? The reality is, that is life. It sucks, but some (many) people get cancer and it's horrible, but it's reality. Nothing we say or do is going to change that.

The fact he doesn’t want to dwell on it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.

Presumably there have been multiple conversations about this and he's probably just a bit exhausted by it all if multiple family members have been affected in recent years.

@Ponoka7 A bit more than that! Compassion, depth, talking about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

A bit more compassion and he'd be a bloody narcassic.

It's crap that he's not more sympathetic to you but this is what our girlfriends are for too. To offload on sometimes. We can't get every single need met by the one man in our lives. Have you got some mates?

I agree it's crap of him though? And love the pp suggestion to giving it back to him every time he says something similar to you.

Your mum’s cancer is cured, both of his parents still have cancer. What on earth makes you think he wants to chat about that extremely painful and also awkward situation with you?

Your starting point should be being there to listen and support, nor judge him and moan to the internet cos he isn’t being talkative enough for you while he’s worried for his parents.

He's right. I think you are being iwvr sensitive.

@DenholmElliot1 I have, but shouldn’t I be able to say it to him? We never talk about it

Sometimes when things are very difficult I just don’t feel like talking about it. His own Mum is currently I’ll and he’s just saying it’s something he can’t change. If he doesn’t feel like talking about it then he doesn’t. He may or may not want to talk about it at some other time.

@Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal Hey?

My mums cancer isn’t quite cured, she had it last year and removed, his mum had a few years ago and all ok but then came back in small amounts and is removed. My dad had an op a few days ago to remove skin cancer

I'm so sorry you have had such a horrible run of health with your DPs and ILs

Some people simply don't process things by talking. Some people simply don't process thing sin fact. Usually men in my experience.

My mum is terminally ill. That’s life. It’s shit, but that’s life. If my DH wanted to talk about it at length, I don’t want to so would probably shut down the conversation too. It doesn’t make me cold/unfeeling/a psychopath or whatever you’re suggesting about DH, it makes me someone who processes things in my own way and sometimes just doesn’t want to bloody talk about it.

Would you prefer him to weep hysterically ?

Do you know what, a friend of mine is so maudlin that she goes on and on about friends and family that have been ill. It's as if it defines her and it's exhausting.

It is just "life". He's right. It's sad, people get sick. People get cured too, even the ones that are cured my friend still wears the memory of them being unwell like some kind of grief cloak.

I would take it that he didn't want to talk about it right then. Which is fine but I guess the way he communicated that to you came off a bit cold.

Do you have a counsellor you can talk to about this?

If you were expecting to be consoled and he was just off-hand, then I can understand you being hurt.
But if it was a medical discussion, then I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect him to give more detailed input.
It would also depend how often you have wanted to talk about it.
I guess this is one of the occasions when it would be interesting to hear his take on it.

But it is life? What would talking about it achieve. I’m on his side.

What were you actually talking about? Pondering the shitness of cancer or another element?

There could be a multitude of reasons your DH didn’t want to get into an in depth conversation including that his coping mechanism is to accept that it is, in fact, life and he can’t change anything.

From a personal pov, I’ve learnt enough about myself to know that I need to be careful how much in depth soul searching I do and how often because I have a tendency to to talk/think myself into depression. Talking is good but it isn’t something that should be turned on at the will of someone else. Maybe he’s just in a different headspace to you.

YABU. That is life.

This. My mum always wants to ruminate over sad times and I just cut her off now mainly. Why focus on sad negative shit?! Be positive, enjoy life, move on.

I think this is quite astute.

Given this has affected both of your families maybe he’s just not in a position to offer you the kind of comfort and strength you feel you need at the moment because of the weight he’s already carrying.