He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

That sounds like someone who doesn't want to go down a long conversation about how hard life is and unfair and how awful cancer is.

DH used to be one of those people who would absolutely go on and on and on about this sort of thing and I could absolutely see myself doing something like your DH did to shut the conversation down if I just couldn't face talking about it or thinking about.

As much as you may be comfortable talking about these issues, he may be equally uncomfortable.
The fact that you think this makes him cold and even came on here and wrote a post about it. Says more about you, than him I'm afraid.

I think a lot of men are like this, (well, many my age which is 40’s+).
They are raised with the belief that men should be stoic and not to show emotions or grief etc.
My DH lost his mum 2 years ago, he shed some tears at the time, dusted himself off and has just got on with life and hardly mentions her even though they were close and she was a lovely person.
I still struggle with her loss and my own mum’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis (I help care for her) and often cry but when ever I bring up the subject and want to discuss these things I will get the same answer that ‘That is life’ and nothing we can do about it. Which is true and I do have my friends to talk with but sometimes you just want to chat and shed a tear with the person most close to you.
My DH just isn’t built that way and neither is his father. They lost their 4 year old granddaughter (dh neice) and whilst many of us were a complete mess over it, I never once saw my FIL shed a tear (he obviously did but kept it for private as he has the attitude that men must be strong).

I‘m on Team DH here too.

it is just life. There’s good bits and shit bits and pondering the shit isn’t always helpful or something I want to engage in.

Why do you think your want to talk about it is more important than his right not to.

Talking with or talking at?

Would you rather he talks and becomes actually depressed and non functional? I lost a parent to cancer and when I actually stop and think about it it takes me weeks to pick myself up and function properly at work and as a parent. So no, your want to chat about it doesnt trump his coping mechanism. Talk to your mum and dad about it.

Some people just don't want to talk/share feelings. Can't?

I wouldn’t want to have a big discussion about this, unless there was any new information/concern about his mum or your parents. If that was the case, of course it needs talking about either to inform him or to talk about feelings or what’s next. But a general conversation about so much cancer, no, it will just make me feel down.

I don't know, OP.

My step dad was diagnised with aggressive prostate cancer earlier this year. He's had a prostatecomy and since had the (tentative) all clear (for now).

We talked about it a bit when it was happening but don't really talk about it now, apart from practicalities. What more is there to say?

Unless there are new developments, it's now in the past.

I have had breast cancer and gone through fairly brutal chemo and radiotherapy etc. I would not expect a spouse to be particular vocal in terms of supporting me with words or being open to talk for hours about it.

However any practical gestures however small would be really appreciated. I think you are expecting a lot from your spouse here.

Some people just don't find it helpful to ruminate, especially about things over which they have no control. It sounds like your dh is one of those people, it doesn't mean he is cold, he might just be stoical and pragmatic.

If talking is your coping mechanism and it was just your mum who had cancer and you needed to talk about it then maybe you would have a point

But this sounds like maybe you are trampling all over his coping mechanisms and forcing him into conversations he is not in the headspace to have about his own parents cancer.

So in that case I think YABU. It would be far nicer and more supportive to tell him you know how shit it is and you are there for him if he ever needs to talk about it.

Because the way you have written the post does make it sound like you are centering yourself

But it is life op. If you wanted support, it would have helped to talk about your parents only, not his. This sounded more like a general discussion and he is within his rights not to want to talk about his mother’s health in relation to your parents.

Is his father still alive? Mine died before I reached adulthood. I wouldn’t want to sit around discussing someone’s 2 parents when I had only one of mine for less than 1/3 of my life.

He's not wrong though, cancer is a part of life, and some people prefer to avoid talking about it. Maybe it's painful for him so it's easier to be dismiss the conversation

Wjy would you want to talk about it in depth? Some people don't want to pick over the bones. Some people positivity love doing it. Neither are wrong but maybe you should let him come to you if he wants to talk.

Some women and many men don't like dwelling on difficult things that are out of their control. If they can't fix it or do something about it they'd rather keep it moving. They don't want to keep rehashing the same old painful topics. It's too distressing and depressing. They don't leave the conversation feeling relieved or energised or a bit better as the 'venters' tend to... instead they sink into more despair and can colour their mood for the rest of the day or even week. So they self protect by keeping the conversation short and at an arm length. It's not to be cruel to you, it's because that is the best they could give you while also looking out for their own emotional well being.

I find that women generally tend to want to talk about things. And then talk about them some more. Sometimes this gets draining and exhausting especially if you keep reopening the same topic. Particularly if you felt your partner wasn't paying attention or listening.

I'm not saying you are wrong to want support and to talk about it I'm saying that he isn't wrong in his reaction either. People deal with things differently. Presumably he was more sympathetic and listened when you initially found out. Listening to people vent is a real skill and it's difficult to always say and do the right thing.

I truly believe you can't get everything from one person. So I would speak to a professional for support or even vent online on a forum or a social media group that understands your grief.

The biggest scariest things are the hardest to talk about.

This. I'm quite stoic about illness and death. Mainly because I've seen a lot of it.

YABU and are coming across quite insensitive. Just because he's not talking about it, doesn't mean he's not feeling it. People don't all deal with things the same way and you shouldn't make him bad about it. I went through similar and just couldn't talk about it, inside it was deeply affecting me and many people say that you should open up and talk but for me it doesn't make me feel better. I think you should respect how he wants to deal with it.

Bloody hell, there are some cold-sounding people on this thread.

There is no time limit on feeling the pain of difficult events and people should be able to talk about these things with the person who is supposed to love them the most. Agree people can end up with compassion fatigue or just find things too painful to discuss, but to be it sounds more like the OP's DH just can't be arsed talking about it any more. It wouldn't kill him to provide a listening ear even if he doesn't feel like actively discussing.

I'm with your DH here. I don't like to talk about sad issues in my life unless there is a need to because I prefer to focus on the positives.

What will talking about it do except upset both of you? Talking about it won't make it any better.

And if someone was bringing it up and trying to draw me into a conversation about it I would hate it.

As a PP said up there, it's actually quite insensitive of you to prod him about it. You are doing it to make yourself feel better, and you are imposing your way of coping with things on hin, without thinking about or considering his feelings.

Talking doesn't help everyone.

And this is why therapists exist, you can talk to them about it to your heart's content or maybe you have friends that don't mind talking about it?

Some people just don't find it helpful to ruminate, especially about things over which they have no control.

I'm getting more like this the older I get.

I think people can’t always emote on your timescale. I’ve been through a very hard experience and nothing was worse than when my lovely and emotionally intelligent husband started a conversation with me about it and I wasn’t in that frame of mind. If I was feeling too sad and stressed then I literally couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to lose it completely, and if I wasn’t worrying about it at that moment then him bringing it up just made me sad again! There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to talk about it, and nothing wrong with him not being in that place at the same moment.

So sorry you’re going through such a rough time.

My close family member is currently dying. I don't want to talk about it. It is life, it's just what happens. I'm very sad, not cold or uncompassionate.

There's just nothing more to say. I'm exhausted even thinking about it.

My family want to talk about it non stop. I just can't.