He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

(Sorry, ignore previous post, hit post by accident)

I guess it is down to everyone's different ways of dealing with things.

That said, I can appreciate where you are coming from as his approach does come across as cold and unempathetic which can be offensive.My parents are both like this and it irks me as they hide from bad things they don't want to face.

How does he normally discuss emotional topics.

can he verbalise his emotions and how he feels day to day in normal conversations?

If he isn’t good at discussing emotions and feelings. If he normally struggles with being open etc then maybe he just doesn’t know what you want ir how to express it what you are actually wanting from him.

I tell my chap if I need comforting, a listening ear or to help with solutions or talk through a problem. He’s not a mind reader and we both have different ways of dealing and processing stuff. It’s unfair to punish someone for not being a mind reader when we haven’t made it clear what we need if it’s not in their normal emotional range or response.

@bringincrazyback Thanks, yes this was the first thing I’d really told him about my df, and Dm had cancer last year. His mum is ok and has had cancer for years and years. This is all new with my dad and quite a shock. I just wanted to talk a bit, not be maudlin about it or get upset

He may just be in a different place to you if his DM has had cancer for some time. He may have rationalised it in his mind now as being something that happens that you can't alter.
DH would be rubbish at talking about things like this, but he drove me 200 miles without question because I decided one morning that I was going to take the day off to visit my DDad when he had cancer.
When you are going through difficult times like this it is better in the long run to focus on the support that your partner can give and find the support they aren't so good at elsewhere.

I am really sorry for what you are going through, it is a shock when your parents are ill.

This. You are being massively unreasonable. He may or may not want to talk about it, doesn't mean he doesn't care. And if he does want to tall about, he entitled to do so when he chooses, not when you demand it.

^Exactly this ^

Between our four parents, they've had cancer eight times, not including umpteen non-melanoma skin cancers. Three of them are still here and in good health. We've never really discussed it much, aside from updates and practicalities, including genetic testing. Even when my dad was dying our conversations revolved around the practicalities and how on earth we could get me there when needed so I could support my mum, given covid restrictions and a bottle refusing six month old.

There really wasn't much else to say. It's shit but it's depressingly normal.

I guess it depends. What is he like when something happens directly to him?

It wouldn't have hurt him at all to say a few kind words to you.

@Thismorninggoingdownhill I'm probably just like your OP in this sort of situation.

I'm a fixer. Come to me with a problem, and I'll try and fix it. This works great when there's something to fix, but if there's not, then I'm screwed.

So when DP's mum had cancer and died I was crap. Not about the things I could fix, tears I can fix with hugs, DP feeling overwhelmed I can fix by making sure I'm on top of everything round the house, I can cook meals for DP's Mum and Dad, sort out funeral stuff etc etc.

But the root cause of all this is cancer, and I can't fix cancer. So DP wants to talk about it, and I can listen, but I can't add to the conversation, because I'm lost, there's no fix. Instead I'm getting cross, because something is upsetting DP and I can't help. And cross isn't helpful here, so I'm busy trying not to get cross and I'm utterly failing to think of anything useful to say in this conversation and Oh God I'm fucking up here.

A couple of years later my Mum gets cancer and dies. Again, fixable things I can do. I support, I help, I listen, I hug. I don't talk about it. My Mum talks to me about things she wishes she'd done, that she'll never get to meet my brothers children. I sit and seethe quietly. It's fine, my Mum knows what I'm like, she knows I'm listening and remembering the funeral arrangements, and which of her friends are allowed to see her towards the end and which aren't, and where the will is kept . I'll remember that, my stepdad and brother won't. But they will be able to say the words that I can't.

And then she dies. And I am on it. There is so much stuff to do and fix, and I can do it all. Funeral, bosh, selling the house, bosh, executor stuff, bosh.

And then the stuff starts to run out. But I'm fine, I haven't cried, I haven't talked about it. But Mum is dead, there's nothing left to fix there, move on.

And DP is quietly horrified. She's found out over the last few years that apparently she's with this cold emotionless robot of a man.

Until one night we're watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Spoilers below for a 30 year old TV show*

Buffy's Mum dies. And the episode is widely regarded as the best depiction of the reality of what going through that experience is really like. It's horrible and real in a way that most depictions of grief in media aren't.

And I'm fine. DP wants to skip the episode, so I watch it by myself. I'm fine.

And then we watch the next episode together and I'm fine right up until:
DAWN: (harshly) Yes it is. Mom ... died, and it's like you don't even care.
BUFFY: (shocked, with tears in her eyes) Of course I care. How can you even think that?
DAWN: How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Mom's mess.
Buffy slaps Dawn across the face. Dawn yelps and puts her hand to her cheek. Buffy puts her hand over her mouth in horror.
BUFFY: (tearful) Dawn ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to- DAWN: (tearful) No! You've been avoiding me.
BUFFY: I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... (crying) 'cause when I stop, then she's really gone.

And I'm sobbing. Half an hour later I'm still going, big heaving sobs. DP is rapidly reassessing her opinion of me.

Just because your DH can't talk about it, it doesn't mean he's not feeling it.

I don’t see what he did wrong? Some people don’t want to ruminate and ‘talk’, why is that not acceptable? I’m not a talker either, and struggle to know what to say at times when people expect an emotional response from me. Not being the type that needs to talk through things you can’t change doesn’t mean you don’t care.

My husband died when he was 38- I say something very similar to your husband about it and that is “it is what it is.” And it is.

I'm not Spanish, and the reason I don't date Latin men is because I find them histrionic, misogynistic, sexist and mostly living in some previous century. But I'm also not prone to stereotyping people or being vaguely racist or offensive about other nationalities, you know?

OP, people process things in their own way. I'm female and with your husband here. It doesn't mean I don't feel emotions or grief, but I manage them in my own way. I also don't rail against things I can't change, and prefer to try the make the best I can out of a bad situation. I appreciate that that may not be how you process things, but you are being unreasonable expecting anyone else to mirror your feelings or react in the same way you do simply because that's what you want.

I also appreciate that some people are talkers, and there are groups and services for people who need that kind of processing to come to terms with things. Perhaps you should consider that approach? It doesn't have to be one thing or the other, and it didn't have to be him you talk too.

Yes I agree. And thank goodness I wasn’t the only one shocked at the lack of empathy from some posters.

Yes cancer is part of life - and that’s exactly why we should be able to talk about it, whether it’s comfortable or not.

And giving support to a partner that needs to talk is part of a loving relationship. Shutting them down isn’t very supportive.

I say that as someone who has been through cancer myself, and I have a husband living with a brain tumour.

What did you want to talk about?

Like most families, especially with older parents, I am happy talking about the facts and practicalities of how we can support the person with cancer. I cannot do with any wallowing in it discussions, or lots of discussions on different "what if" scenarios. Been there and the discussions are upsetting and usually a waste of time. Prefer to deal with facts as and when they happen and also not have the same repetitive conversations over and over.

Everyone is different. If your dh doesn't want to talk further about his dads recent op, or have a break from talking about it that should be respected.

But not everyone needs/wants to talk about it? Being able to talk about it is not the same as having to talk about it. Not being a talker doesn’t mean unhealthy emotional repression, it can just mean a different emotional experience and coping mechanism. Why is it that venting is considered the only respectable way?

conversely, giving support to a partner who doesn’t want to talk about it is also part of a loving relationship. Trying to force them to emote in the same way that you do isn’t supportive, or compassionate, either.

Unfortunately OP and her husband have different styles of coping. That doesn’t make either of them wrong, it just means that they’re probably not the best sounding boards (or lack thereof) for one another on certain issues.

I can't believe you two are preaching about empathy while claiming this man "can't be arsed" to talk about cancer when his own mother has it. Why does he have to talk about a painful subject that affects him if he doesn't want to? Where is the OP's support for him and the way he wants to handle it?

But it is just life - I have had enough dealing with family and friends dying without wanting to TALK about it! If you need to talk then you need to find someone who is willing to listen or also wants to talk. A support group maybe. Some of us just want to deal with what needs dealing with and try to enjoy the bits of our lives that aren't all caught up with death and illness.

'Your husband sounds like a typical English man'.

I'm neither English nor a man and I would react more like DH. It has got me through life and is my way of coping after bereavements when I was very young.

And giving support to a partner that needs to talk is part of a loving relationship. Shutting them down isn’t very supportive.

It works both ways. The other person might find talking about it just too difficult and more distressing, especially with someone who "needs" to talk, people who need to talk can sometimes be quite intense and cause more distress. The person who needs to talk can try to find other outlets if they need to talk in depth about it.

When my father died, I did not want to talk about it but process it in my own way and my own time. Leave him alone and find a friend to talk to.

I assume you have spoken about the topic before so what more did you expect from him?

Unless it was a specific question your were asking or an update you were giving and you wanted his feedback, frankly I don't see the point of endlessly dwelling on this and going over the same topic all the time.

It is indeed life.

I don't think it is a lack of compassion, it is probably having enough of you bringing the same subject up and does not want to keep having the same conversation...

Op I’m sorry you are having a hard time of it . I’ve lost both parents suddenly in 18 months and if asked to talk about it I also say ‘that’s life’ .. to me that speaks volumes- illness and death is part of life and sadly inevitable. If you need to talk then it is for you to make it clear that you need that . I personally wouldn’t be judging your husband

I understand you wanting to talk about it.

But not everyone can face talking about things all the time. Or rather the minute you want to.

I think mentioning his mum may have made him clam up. Obviously this is only my opinion. I have helped people grieving in the last year, while grieving my mum. I can listen and be supportive m, but the minute they relate it back to me losing my mum (last December) I often can’t engage anymore. I don’t choose to shut down, I just don’t want to Think or talk about it sometimes.

This morning a colleague, who I haven’t seen in a while, told me they were sorry for my loss. And in my panic I said ‘it’s ok it is what it is’. I must have seemed so indifferent. But it’s not ok. It’s awful and killing me. But I didn’t want to tell her that OR even talk about it.

His mum may have had it for a long time, but it still must be awful to think about. Or maybe I am projecting or being to kind. But sometimes, people say things that seem lacking in compassion but it’s that’s not always what’s at the heart of it.

My DP is like this. It means I dont discuss thinks like that with him. I also have zero interest /give the same response when he is ill etc. Yes it's sad and not what I want or think a loving relationship should be but I'm not in a loving relationship and it's my way of dealing with it.

I also would not be putting myself out for his family, that's his job.