He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

Lots of people ARE completely unable to talk about or even acknowledge serious /terminal illness; even their own. They just shut down the topic because they don't know how to deal with their own emotions.

I've met many people who won't even speak the word Cancer, let alone admit they or their relative has it.

My husband would say that, and he compassionately nursed his first wife through the end stages of the cancer that killed her.
Thats how he is - deep conversations of support are not his thing, and as I knew him well before marrying him and wasn’t looking for that format of support as a deal breaker, all is fine.
Did your husband’s response actually surprise you?

But that can be the way of dealing with emotions though. People aren’t one size fits all in the emotions they feel or in how they best deal with things. Talking isn’t the only valid way.

If the posters on here who don't offer support to their partner when they need to talk about something upsetting them, as that is not their thing, do you offer support to your DC if they are upset or do you just say something along the lines of that's life get over it.

My genuine reaction to the OP is « what is there to talk about » and I really think some people need to talk about things more than others. Nothing to do with being cold or uncaring.

I had a group training about something similar at work, learn how to interact and work together etc. One Q was: you lend your car to someone and they call you saying they had an accident with your car: what do you answer?
50% would ask if the person was ok
50% would ask if the car was ok. Initial though: these people are selfish and uncaring! But then the trainer asked them why: because if the person is calling me it means they are ok so next item to check is the car.
The point of the exercice was to understand that people have different ways of communicating.

I wouldn't necessarily say it was cold. People deal with difficult situations differently. You're obviously the type who feels comfortable talking about it, which is great. But he may not. He is carrying a similar weight to you, and may not feel strong enough to get into it.

I am someone who is full of compassion, but I do often avoid conversations where it hits too close to home.

Interesting
but a call doesn't prove they are okay

they might have whiplash or broken bones but can still use a phone!

Good point.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee I'm assuming unless they are dead or in a coma, they could possibly use a phone

YABU. Everyone deals differently with this type of thing.

I think the only way I accepted my mum's death from cancer is thinking "that's life."

Death is part of life. It's totally shit and was the worst time for all of us but what else can you do? I do like a good cry now and again though...helps get it all out.

Spanish men are lazy and loud, however… I wouldn’t say “ lazy” it’s just they have a more chilled attitude towards life than the Anglo, and like to enjoy life (which might be seen as “lazy” to other cultures). They are definable louder than British. I’ve had quite a few Spanish boyfriends and would always pick them over the cold emotionally constipated English men.But that’s just me. Immigrant talking 🤣

I understand - its emotionally stunted. Why would he talk to you - cos you are his wife and there for support, he has his head in the sand over it by the sounds of it. My DH is like this he really struggles with any sort of emotion. Can't bear to see it in others or feel it himself then sometimes gets maudlin about stuff. He mentioned in passing Saturday is 2 yrs since his Mum died, he shed ONE tear for her ONE at the funeral which was awful as they had just relocked down in London in the November. He let me do 4 months of one to one care and worry during lock down and could barely bring himself to talk to me on the phone whilst I was there. Was completely emotionally detached and yes says things like - its Life - none of us get out alive...so weird

Yes, it's shit for them. But what purpose is served by emoting about how bad it makes you feel and it isn't fair it's happened to them at length?

I've experienced vampires like that in my life. Of neither use nor ornament when the person with the illness might have needed something or to be treated like a person, not an invalid, and then resentful that they couldn't continue going on about their fucking trauma and harvesting sympathy whilst the ill/once I'll person got on with their life.

My dh is like this too.
I can sympathize.

@toomuchlaundry @EmmaH2022 of course, the person calling could be injured but still it is an indication that they are ok to a certain extend. Most people who would ask about the car would also ask about the caller, just not instinctively their first question.
We were a group of 20 or so, quite diverse and it was almost a 50/50 split.

(also, it was what part of a training, not me making a point - even though I think it makes sense)

The comment you’re replying to sent ‘woosh’, right over your head. Stop digging.

Thank god. I thought I was the only one. I would be a bit upset with the lack of empathy too

People deal with things in their own way. YABU to expect him to approach these things in the same way you do. Tbh I'd be more like him than you.

You are entitled to be upset and it's normal to assume that you can speak to your DH about these sorts of issues. I'd be peed off if my DH response was 'that's life' too. It sounds cold and uncaring

I understand your feelings and your disappointment with his response, but it may be that it’s his way of dealing with it and that if he talks about it too deeply it will overwhelm him, and he will break down. Sometimes though holding it all in is not a good idea, and you need to have a good cry and let it out.

I find looking up some of those funny minions quotes on Facebook about life helps

YABU. People cope with these things differently - and he’s right, people get ill and it’s unfair and essentially yes ‘that’s life’. His way of coping is to acknowledge that and keep his feelings to himself or shelve them to one side. I presume you prefer to talk and cry and vent your frustration - that’s fine too. But it can also be draining for the person who is listening and maybe just wants to switch off from the situation. I could understand if it was only your parents and you need support, but it’s his parent too and talking about it might be difficult for him. It’s a two way street. He can let you vent - and you should let him not vent.

Wow! I’m utterly amazed how many people on this thread think it’s normal not to talk about difficult and upsetting life events or console your partner, wow! I think the comment your husband made was cold, also don’t know the context and if it was bad timing etc, but you said you never talk about it. I’d be upset if it was me and I was looking for comfort for my partner, is it a one of or does he never offer you any comfort?

My DH is a very kind man but we have different ways of dealing with difficult situations. If something upsetting happens he will usually go very quiet. He needs time with his own thoughts to process things, whereas I process difficult events by talking about them. That's what helps me. It doesn't necessarily help him. I don't think either of us is right or wrong. I realised this difference between us early on in the relationship and now if I need to talk in depth about something I will say to him "I don't want solutions, I just need to offload" and he is happy to listen. Perhaps your DH said "that's life" because he didn't know what else to say, or because he finds it difficult to talk about illness or maybe he just didn't understand what you were looking for from him. If your feelings are hurt then tell him, and tell him what you'd like to be different next time. He probably has no idea he's upset you.