He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

If they'd died/were still ill, he'd be really cold, but as everyone has recovered or is ok, I think you're being a tad dramatic.

My dad refused to be told his diagnosis. He accepted all the treatment for his cancer, but the word never passed his lips, even when he was finally dying.

My husband was asked how much he wanted to know, when his consultant told him his stage 4 cancer diagnosis. He said that he didn't want to be told how long he had, he just wanted all the treatment they could offer and to make the most of each day.
Apart from the practicalities of his treatment etc, he didn't want to talk about it at all. He just wanted to live life normally and not dwell on it. So we did.

My husband was far from cold or emotionless. He was the most loving and caring of people. But he wanted to focus on living, and on every moment he could spend with me and or daughters until he died.

It is life and there is no point dwelling on it. Your parents are ok, why the need to delve any deeper. My parents have both passed. We don’t discuss it often. We can sink or we can swim.

In the last 4 years my nanas died of throat cancer, my mums had treatment for breast cancer, my friend died of breast cancer, my grandad died of bowel cancer and my sons had skin cancer

I don't want to talk about any of it either

My sister is terminally ill with cancer and my family have had other losses this year . It is absolutely awful. I can discuss it with very few people . Mainly I just don't want to talk about it - this has surprised me , I work and volunteer in area of work where talking is seen to be all ( all important, necessary, healing etc).
Sometimes things are just too hard to get into a shape or narrative, and therefore it is too difficult or too soon to talk and make sense. My own experiences recently have re shaped many of my previous assumptions - I didn't understand at all about many things

I am guessing that your husband is struggling with worries , but just doesn't want to talk about it. I expect he cares alot.

Maybe share this with your DH - GP Dr Ed Rainbow https://mensmindgp.com/
I heard him as a guest on a podcast and will be sharing this with the men in my life. I’m sorry your DH didn’t want to talk to you but he may need to understand some of this.

If someone chucked that link at me when I was handling something in my own way, I'd not thank them for it. It would only make me feel worse, because they'd be denying me my own feelings and my own management of them.

I think it totally depends on what the goal was from your initial convo OP.

if it to create a space for you to discuss your feelings about your dads diagnoses then he is being unreasonable (as long as you clearly communicated that’s what you wanted to discuss and all you needed from him was an ear to listen)

or if your intention was to try and understand how he feels about all of the things you listed then YOU are being unreasonable as you don’t get to decide how HE feels and reacts to things, even if they are about your family too. That’s on him and if he’s happy with ‘that’s life’ then that’s fine.

Well maybe I'm a psychopath, but I'm definitely in the 'why talk about stuff you can do nothing about?' camp.

It IS just life and talking about the illness isn't going to stop them having it, improve their chances of living or anything else meaningful. It's just going to dredge up thoughts that might not be helpful. If there was a practical side to the conversation - like discussing choice of treatments or care, then absolutely I'd like to talk. Otherwise it's basically just gossip, which I find boring unless it's scandalous or bitchily cathartic.

@saraclara I’m not suggesting chucking anything at anyone, I will consider carefully how I share this Doctor’s work. I stumbled across him listening to a different podcast - he sounds like the best GP you’d ever be fortunate to meet (and not my experience of the NHS). He trains others to help patients open up and is trying to educate.

Importantly he’s a man, talking to men, about how men deal with things.

I agree the OP might be expecting the kind of conversation she’d have with a woman from her man and that some men just aren’t able to do that (social conditioning as much as individual nature and nuture). Men do need to acknowledge that they need ways to deal with their feelings, even if that’s not taking to their partner.

talking to their partner

A friend of mine has just messaged in a group chat that she has been diagnosed with cancer. Based on a number of posts on here, my response together with everyone else in the group should be ‘that’s life’ and show no empathy at all

Yep mumsnet is definitely an alternative universe sometimes!

You are having a difficult time at the moment and that response didn’t make you feel better. We look to people for reassurance at times and it’s okay that this didn’t work for you. Your husband should listen and be supportive, but some people struggle with how to do this in the manner that will help you. Let him know how you felt and that you would like to talk about it together sometimes.

It’s how you cope, surely. We all know it’s shit, but we need to just get our heads down and get on with it. Some find talking it out useful, some don’t.

@VerbenaGirl but if your partner is sad/worried surely you give them some support (even if you don't need support if your parent is in the same situation)

@toomuchlaundry I would want support myself (I think), but after 22 with DH I know that he works quite differently.

That's completely different! A friend reaching out for support is totally different to two people talking about someone else's illness for the sake of it.

I mean I'll caveat my earlier post and say to OP that if you were talking because you were upset and wanted him to help you process it, then you have more of a point about your partner's reaction, but it sounded like you were just bringing it up in conversation to chat idly about it.

Sometimes it is difficult knowing what to say when a sensitive matter comes up.

Sometimes you can say the wrong thing to a person whose very important to you.

Unless you have direct experience of the situation it's best to say less.

Not really.

Do those posters who think the DH should talk when it seems that he doesn't want to and it makes him uncomfortable, force their children to talk about things they don't want to regardless of whether it upsets them and makes them feel uncomfortable, and continue to do so when they try to end the discussion?

If anyone bothered to read the OP properly, she and her DH had been talking about it. It doesn't sound like he shut her down immediately and refused to talk at all.

Yabu. Agree with all those feeling we need his side of the story, and that talking about stuff at the wrong time for either person in the conv is not helpful. Feel sorry there are these health issues in your families but it is life. Also what type of skin cancer? Melanoma, basal cell carcinoma, huge differences in outcomes
Why ask random people this question? Get a grip would be my advice, harsh as it may sound and think about what a sensible answer he gave!

It does also occur to me that there’s a possibility the OP may have been Catastrophizing and it was her DH’s intention to try and shut it down.

Theres a lot of variables that make this a hard question to answer properly.

There is a theory in counselling/psychology that there are ‘circles of involvement’ with people suffering crisis or challenges. Basically, the person suffering the illness is at the centre, their immediate family in a circle outside them, then family friends/extended family, then acquaintances/colleagues, then outsiders. The key thing is that you can only seek support from those on the outside of your ‘circle’ as those inside have too much going on. I think OP’s cardinal mistake here is going ‘inside the circle’ for support. She’s not being selfish exactly, so much as emotionally naive - it’s natural to want support from your nearest and dearest, and to assume you can handle these things as a couple. But it often doesn’t work according to your ideals.

Fantastic explanation @ThomasinaGallico. I hope the OP sees it.

What is it about kids these days, if you don't react the way they want, they have a hissy fit. Dont be so judgemental, a lot of men internalise and don't want to advertise their grief, some people don't like drama, so grow up