He made a sad face and said ‘That’s life’

[Thismorninggoingdownhill]

Talking with Dh last night about my mums breast cancer last year (she’s ok now) and dad recently having skin cancer removal, plus his mums cancer and he said ‘That’s life’ and didn’t talk about it anymore.
Aibu to think this is quite cold and to think he’s unable to talk about sad issues in life

If it was just about her mums cancer and his parents were currently healthy then yes. But expecting her DH to provide a listening ear to her as she talks about his parents cancer as well is a bit much.

But as sad as these things are, it is life. And maybe it just that he doesn’t want to talk about it because maybe it’s too distressing for him? Maybe he has nothing more to say about it all, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have compassion and empathy. Some people, some times, just don’t want to about things, and that’s fine.

YABVU

Sorry OP but I'm a Spaniard and that's the reason I don't date English men, I find them cold, not affectionate and emotionally constipated. Your husband sounds like a typical English man.

Sending you lots of hugs and hoping your mum gets fully well. x

So he's going through both of his parents ongoing cancer diagnosis, dealing with stress and doesn't want to talk in depth about it??
I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to talk in depth about things that are really hurting me until I want to.
I work in a very emotional job (palliative care) and when I'm teetering on the edge with stuff at work and at home I just don't want to think about it for a little while and have a mental break.
Tbh it is life, he had a sad face whilst saying that... it sounds as though he's feeling helpless and there's nothing he can do about the situation

Sorry I read as the OP as his dad not your dad

I can understand both sides OP - I lost a parent to cancer and the other has had it multiple times and I hate dwelling on it. Sometimes I'm in the mood to talk about it, sometimes it's too painful to think about and I want to focus on the present. I'm sorry he shut you down, neither of you are in the wrong here but I do think it's best to talk to other people about it if he doesn't want to. I wouldn't be so sympathetic with him if his mum hadn't also had cancer but it might be that he just doesn't want to revisit how he felt when she was going through it. Hope your parents are all well now.

That’s bit of exaggeration, seriously!. There are plenty of warm, affectionate and emotionally open English men. Please stop generalising.

My father died of cancer 5 years ago, now my mum is having cancer treatments, I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it, I absolutely bloody hate it when ask me how I feel about,

That’s just how some people cope with things. It doesn’t mean he lacks compassion or doesn’t care.

In the nicest way possible, just because you want to speak about it, doesn’t mean he has to or is ready to.

I know what you mean, I try to avoid Spanish men as they’re invariably lazy and obnoxiously loud.

(I don’t think any of that, but do you see how that works?)

Maybe he feels talked out with it all. And sometimes, we’ll, that’s life might be all there is left to say. Other peoples’ feelings matter too.

I'm like your DH. Partly because of my typical English stiff upper lip.also my university degree was a lot to do with serous conditions like cancers of various types, so I'm very matter of fact, the emotion of it all just went.

Sounds bad writing it down, but that's just how I react

I don't like talking about the emotional side of these things either. I have a cousin who likes to talk about feelings and I'll sympathise with her while she she goes on about family/friends health and how much it upsets her but I don't give back. I remember her asking me how I was a week after my DD died (10 years ago). I would have thought the answer was pretty ducking obvious and her questions just annoyed me. I'm pretty certain she was talking to everyone about her own feelings when it happened. I was fine with that, it's how she deals with things but it's not what I do. She still tries to bring it up sometimes in the hope of having a deep and meaningful conversation about it.

What did you want him to say? What would you consider a "warm" response?

My dad had cancer too. I quickly learned that talking about it made it worse.

love your username btw.

OP I appreciate that you need a listening ear but as he currently going through that with his mum, it's very hard for him to do that.

That's a bit shitty, but I guess some people deal with things differently. It would have upset me though @Thismorninggoingdownhill So YANBU. Sorry about your mum xxx

@Sandra1984 To be fair I think Mediterranean men tend to go too much the other way as in very emotional and dramatic.

I think it depends, is he usually a kind and sympathetic person? If yes, then I'd put it down as his way of dealing with things.

My H would talk and visit the person, takes gifts etc BUT he also seems to quite 'enjoy' the drama of someone being sick (so far they have all been uncles and aunts and grandparents). I think he likes that it brings everyone together.

That's how a lot of people just deal with the issue. A "I can't change anything, so why let it upset me?" type of mentality.
I'm the same generally, an "it is what it is" type, so I can understand why your husband said it.

If you want certain responses you might need to actually ask. I know my DH would say similar. He's not outwardly emotional. So if I want a cuddle or a little cry on his shoulder then I say, "I'm feeling sad about XYZ, can I have a little moan and a cuddle?'

Part of compassion is understanding other people's responses to things. For example, understanding that your DH doesn't want to talk about it in depth.

There's a big misunderstanding that people who dont do big outward displays of emotions don't feel things. That's just not true.

As someone who went through cancer myself and have several family members going through it I honestly cant stand 'doomsayers' which is all it ever turns into when people want to harp on about it.

Life is for the living and while we are still alive we live it without needing if, ands and buts dwelling in every convosation and dampening everything.

Anyone can die any moment for any reason, yet the world cancer just seems to make people think its ok to dwell on morbid thoughts and push them on others.

People give sympathy to those actually going through it (if a chemo patient is sick thats obviously something they can moan about because its awful to go through) but everyone else jumping on the bandwagon and trying to turn the gossip into woe is them is insufferable and as someone whose been there quite offensive frankly (people talking about your death and how it will effect 'them' when they actually have no fucking clue whats going on or your outcomes).

Neither of you are wrong, everyone handles things their own way x

I agree that his comment is not very validating of your feelings ….which are understandably in a different place to his. So he could be more validating to you …100%. Tell him that.
As to HIS feelings, well they are what they are. You can’t expect him to feel differently. It sounds like he’s arrived at a plateau of radical acceptance, accepting life for it’s pains and it’s joys. There is a lot to be said for that.

I guess it is down to everyone's different ways of dealing with things.

That said, I can appreciate where you are coming from as his approach does come across as cold and unempathetic which can My parents are both like this and it irks me