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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby booked holiday without our baby

377 replies

Lookforstars89 · 06/10/2022 07:37

My husband has booked a holiday ( mon to fri) for us for next year as a surprise for our anniversary which is lovely....until he told me it is just for me and him and our baby (who will be 15months) is staying at home with the grandparents.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this as I wouldn't have dreamed of leaving our baby at home so young to go off abroad. I know he means well but he seems annoyed that I've questioned why he isn't coming and annoyed at to why I have asked him why he didn't ask me first how I would feel about leaving baby at home.
How would you feel if your other half did this?
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?
I know I probably sound super ungrateful but our baby is only 5 months at the moment and the thought of leaving him for almost a week makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 06/10/2022 09:45

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 09:38

@LightDrizzle and if he'd have done all or any of those things we'd have complaints about how men never think for themselves and put the mental load on to women

We really wouldn’t.

PoundShopPrincess · 06/10/2022 09:45

Even from a financial perspective, it doesn't make sense. It's a total waste to book a holiday that you might not be able to make rather than book one where there is the option of adding the baby. He's taken two nice events - an anniversary and a holiday - and stolen the sunshine from them. Also creating unnecessary stress when the baby is still small. That dynamic is concerning.
All he had to do was admit he'd messed up and book something they could all do instead.
I wonder how well he's adjusted to fatherhood outwith this.

SleeplessInEngland · 06/10/2022 09:46

Abouttimemum · 06/10/2022 09:44

I wouldn’t go on holiday without DS but I know plenty of people who would. Don’t understand it myself.

5 days may be pushing it for some but a weekend break is hardly the end of the world. More to the point: I envy anyone who has people in their lives who'd look after a one year old for that long.

qazxc · 06/10/2022 09:46

It does seem a bit odd (he would book without even asking), having said that the way you feel now about leaving your child might change as they grow from baby to toddler.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 06/10/2022 09:46

When my eldest was about that age, having been raised away from family due to work, we returned home and left him with Granny for one evening, the first evening we'd ever had out together since he'd been born.

Walking back home, we could hear him screaming from the bottom of the road. Apparently he'd been like it most of the evening, but she didn't want to spoil our night (this was sweet, not bad), so after everything else failed, she just sat with him, hugging him as he cried (he'd got well past the point of reason).

I will say that after another year, he was completely happy to overnight with his grandparents, although even now at 12, he's glad to be home after more than a couple of nights away.

BUT it depends on the kid, how familiar they are with Gran's house and Gran etc. Other children don't mind at all.

Hugasauras · 06/10/2022 09:46

I wouldn't have been happy about it at that age either. It was a nice idea but can he get a refund and you find something more suitable? It's not much of a gift if the other person doesn't want it ...

Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal · 06/10/2022 09:47

What a selfish wanker. This is not a ‘nice surprise’ for you, this is about him wanting 100% of your attention and body for a week without a baby getting in his way. If he cared about what you want, he’d have asked what you think about the idea.

I’d refuse to go. Baby will be devastated, you’ll spend the while time missing baby, and husband will spend whole time sulking because you’re not wildly horny when you’re upset.

SleeplessInEngland · 06/10/2022 09:47

PoundShopPrincess · 06/10/2022 09:45

Even from a financial perspective, it doesn't make sense. It's a total waste to book a holiday that you might not be able to make rather than book one where there is the option of adding the baby. He's taken two nice events - an anniversary and a holiday - and stolen the sunshine from them. Also creating unnecessary stress when the baby is still small. That dynamic is concerning.
All he had to do was admit he'd messed up and book something they could all do instead.
I wonder how well he's adjusted to fatherhood outwith this.

An incredible about of projecting and speculation going on here.

The funny part is you're just as likely to find a thread where someone complains their husband has booked a romantic getaway with kids.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 09:48

@LightDrizzle we really would. First rule of MN: the man is always wrong.

butterfliedtwo · 06/10/2022 09:50

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 08:14

Mumsnet logic:

My husband never sorts babysitters or plans anything nice for our anniversary
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

My husband has booked a holiday and arranged childcare almost a year in advance to give us time to get used to leaving baby for short period
LTB, he's a selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings

Yep.

It's a year away!

LovinglifeAF · 06/10/2022 09:51

I’d be quite happy tbh as holidays with kids that age are hard work and not relaxing in the slightest. But I’ve never been that bothered about leaving mine. He should have asked though.

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2022 09:53

girlmom21 · 06/10/2022 09:48

@LightDrizzle we really would. First rule of MN: the man is always wrong.

Literally BS.

Ther are plenty of threads where men are defended here. Sometimes very generously.

Here we have a man who didn't do any research, didn't discuss, booked something his wife didn't want and says it can't be changed. But yeah... defend that if you want.

MrJi · 06/10/2022 09:54

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2022 08:00

Does he always makes unilateral decisions? Or arrange a 'surprise'? It's a way of getting exactly what he wants.

If not, and this is a one off, I'm sure he'll be able to change it to somewhere else.

I wouldn't be going and I wouldn't be happy with not being asked.

This.
I wouldn’t want to be abroad without my daughters and they are teenagers. I wouldn’t have gone away at all without my baby. For a start you might be still breastfeeding then, I was. I didn’t mind meeting a friend for a coffee or something but not going away overnight, and I would have absolutely said no to being in another country !
Of course some women feel differently and that is fine, the problem is that your DH didn’t even ask you. A friend had to sometimes travel for work when her ds was a toddler, and both of them were miserable every time.
I would be really angry with my DH if he did this.

silverclock222 · 06/10/2022 09:54

He tried to do something mice and special and if he hadn't it would have been an issue. Men just can't do anything right these days. Disclaimer - 50 year old female with 30+ years solid relationship and main wage earner in household!

OrangePomander · 06/10/2022 09:56

My happiest holiday memories are from when the kids were toddlers, we had great fun. I wouldn’t have contemplated leaving them at home.

SleeplessInEngland · 06/10/2022 09:58

What a selfish wanker. This is not a ‘nice surprise’ for you, this is about him wanting 100% of your attention and body for a week without a baby getting in his way.

Another perverse MN trope: only men like sex.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2022 09:58

As the responses show, you'll get everything on here from "I went on a world tour and left my 7 day old" .... to .... "my DS is 18 and I've never spent a night away from him" (and I have seen that on here!!).

See how you feel in a few months, your DS will change a lot and you might welcome a lovely break just the two of you, siestas, out for drinks, lie-ins ... bliss.

From my point of view, with DCs in their early 20s, and friends in the same boat, kids at uni or left home .... the ones that did things separately with their partners, as their kids grew up, generally speaking, have coped better with the empty nest.

User839516 · 06/10/2022 09:59

I’m not the type of mum who could do this. I would absolutely not judge the type of mum who could. Neither is right or wrong. What is very worrying if that your DH has no idea what type of mum you are and didn’t care enough to find out.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2022 10:01

So many threads on here with useless blokes who haven't even planned a night out in the local pub in a decade ... this fella plans a lovely surprise and arranges childcare and gets called all sorts!! 🙄

diddl · 06/10/2022 10:05

this fella plans a lovely surprise

But for some of us 5 days away from our child wouldn't be a lovely surprise.

Rosehugger · 06/10/2022 10:06

Sounds lovely. You may feel different nearer the time. Try going away for shorter periods leading up to it to get used to it.

EthicalNonMahogany · 06/10/2022 10:06

yes because to do a lovely surprise you have to get it ALL right. Not some of it right and a bit of it uncaring and unhelpful. All of it.

Men (and women), when booking something/ doing a job of work / giving someone a present / generally interacting with anyone, do you have to
a) get it not at all right
b) get it a bit right but some of it actively worrying by thoughtlessness
c) get it right

C it's C

KimberleyClark · 06/10/2022 10:08

I wouldn’t want to be abroad without my daughters and they are teenagers.

It won’t be long before they want to be abroad without you. How on earth will you cope?

Rosehugger · 06/10/2022 10:09

But for some of us 5 days away from our child wouldn't be a lovely surprise

The kind of person who gets severely depressed in middle age when their child moves out of home, because they have made their life raising children and have never done a thing for themselves for 20 years. Don't lose your identity as an individual human being when you have children.

diddl · 06/10/2022 10:10

Rosehugger · 06/10/2022 10:09

But for some of us 5 days away from our child wouldn't be a lovely surprise

The kind of person who gets severely depressed in middle age when their child moves out of home, because they have made their life raising children and have never done a thing for themselves for 20 years. Don't lose your identity as an individual human being when you have children.

???