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Dd just isn’t very nice.

147 replies

Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 09:35

I know that sounds awful to say.
I love my Dd, just turned 4 more than anything in the world. She’s bright, funny, motivated, independent and can be v loving and sweet.
For quite a while now…maybe since 3.6 years old, she’s been so difficult, shouts when doesn’t get her own way, highly strung etc…there’s usually crying and an awful start to the day most mornings. She’s also great fun and full of energy…but these outbursts and the way she speaks are bringing me down. We’ve always brought her up to speak nicely and have manners etc but I find her shouting ‘I’m not going to listen to you!’ And ‘Be quiet!’ etc so much these days. I feel like so many things are a battle, is this normal, what am I doing wrong? I miss the more pleasant side of her!

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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BattenburgDonkey · 05/10/2022 09:38

So it’s only been 4-5 months… it’s just a phase, you can’t say she’s just not nice, that’s not helpful at all. Just be firm reminding her that she doesn’t talk to you/people like that and be consistent, it will probably pass. And yes it’s normal, don’t worry.

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ebri91 · 05/10/2022 09:40

No advice but just wanted to say you are not alone in not liking your kid.

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ferretface · 05/10/2022 09:43

:( she is just a little kid.

Why don't you try and get at some of the feelings behind the outbursts?

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SleeplessInEngland · 05/10/2022 09:45

They don't call it the 'threenager' phase for nothing.

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Beamur · 05/10/2022 09:48

Thinking about why she's doing this is a good place to start. Has something changed? Is she at nursery/pre-school? Maybe this is something she's hearing outside of the home and bringing back.
Find ways not to battle. Can you alter your morning routine, can you give her more freedom to choose? What are you clashing over?
I think it's also ok to have strong rules around how we speak to each other.

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Beamur · 05/10/2022 09:48

SleeplessInEngland · 05/10/2022 09:45

They don't call it the 'threenager' phase for nothing.

There is this too!

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UniversalTruth · 05/10/2022 09:52

I agree - behaviour is communication.

If my children request something rudely then I don't hear it until it's asked nicely - it's hard but ignore all behaviour you don't like and reward the good with praise. Kids learn from copying how their role models (you) speak to each other more than what you tell them.

Then I have book recommendation - how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. See if it helps.

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Upnorthen · 05/10/2022 09:54

I second pp- she is just a little kid!
I was a very highly strung child- I had four older brothers and sisters and I have to say, apart from one brother they all made me feel like a horrible person. If it wasn't for my mum and my lovely brother I would grow up believing this but it's just not true!
Just because someone is highly strung doesnt mean they are a 'not nice' person, usually they are scared, overwhelmed and need help.
Please don't let her hear you say that or intimate her tantrums make her bad. They do not.
It's really really really really hard- I have a highly strung girl (suprise suprise) and every time she needs my help (has a wobbly) I just think back to myself as a little girl and I do what my lovely mum and one brother did- I just love her, help her and hold on to boundaries gently.
I got there, yours will too.

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Upnorthen · 05/10/2022 09:58

Also- has she learnt this behaviour from somewhere?
I recently noticed my lo telling her dad to 'just be quiet dad!' all the time in a very rude tone- and eventually I realised she had picked it up from the bluey (now I usually love bluey) episode 'ragdoll'
Do innocently she thought it was a fun thing to say- we've explained and chatted it through and she's stopped it.
Sometimes there's a specific and unusual root cause.

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PeekAtYou · 05/10/2022 09:58

Have you heard the term threenager ? It sounds like your dd is going through this.
How did she cope with the Terrible Twos? If she was fine, she might be going through a delayed version of this.
Basically when kids are 2/3, they learn how to manage their emotions better. So they learn what it's like to feel disappointed/angry/jealous or whatever and how to deal with it.
It's not unreasonable for her not to like what you've said and it doesn't make her not nice. You are telling her what to do for her good (eg brush her teeth) but it's perfectly common for her to resist your requests and try your patience. Yanbu to be sick of arguing.
Is she awake in plenty of time to get ready in the morning ? I may be barking up the wrong tree but if you are getting up to maximise sleep (understandable) and have leisurely weekends, she may struggle with being told to get ready efficiently like an adult. Imagine someone telling you to hurry up or telling you what they want you to do next. It is annoying to get up way earlier than necessary but I found it reduced morning arguments and I wasn't constantly rushing them to the next stage of getting ready which made me feel better. Could you chat to her about making the morning routine better? Does she need an earlier bedtime?

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Bumpsadaisie · 05/10/2022 10:03

She's a little kid! It's how they behave and developmentally normal ... when she is in her 20s I am sure she will be a kind and likeable person.

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Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:16

I don’t not like her, I adore her! Her behaviour just isn’t that of a nice person for a while now 😢she was great during her twos’s, no problem at all, it seems to be getting worse after turning 4. She’s just very quick to anger. For example, we were playing a game last night and I did it *Wrong (according to her) and she shouted so loudly at me and almost went to him.
In the morning, she’ll wake up and straightaway shout downstairs to dh, who is getting ready to leave for work, that she wants this or that, she’s very demanding and shouts and cries, then Dh gets cross back, she won’t wait a second and gets so angry.

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Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:17

*Went to hit me

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Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:18

@BattenburgDonkey Its almost 10 months now

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Sticktothetopic · 05/10/2022 10:20

I find it very hard when my child (even younger) is unpleasant to me or to others. It’s a very human reaction to behaviour that is unpleasant.

It is upsetting. And worrying too.

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Autumninnewyork · 05/10/2022 10:22

Oh wow, this sounds just like my just turned 4 year old. He’s really emotional, gets worked up easily, things have to be done his way, he hits etc. Not like his older brother at all. He is however waaaaay more affectionate and imaginative. I think he is very full of feelings and emotions and they burst out

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Autumninnewyork · 05/10/2022 10:27

Also, in terms of how to respond, shouting back is never going to help. You/your DH would just be reinforcing that anger and shouting are the way to manage situations. All you can do, I think, is consistently say that certain behaviours aren’t how to deal with situations (shouting, hitting, whatever) but if she can explain with her words you’ll do your best to help. Don’t get cross and always offer cuddles and reassurance. I really hate it when I get angry even as an adult. It’s upsetting and I’d love some comfort afterwards

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Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:28

@Autumninnewyork She’s also v imaginative too and can be v loving. I just feel on edge sometimes as she gets angry/frustrated so quickly for silly reasons, it’s like she just needs to calm down, it’s v stressful

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Autumninnewyork · 05/10/2022 10:29

Ps FWIW, he’s been like this since he was 2 but he’s starting to be able to explain himself better. We sometimes talk briefly afterwards about how he was feeling at the time of an outburst and what would have been a more helpful way to communicate. I think it helps

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Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:29

@Autumninnewyork I know, Dh is working really hard on trying to be more patient, I get it though as she’s so full on shouting and demanding and crying, it’s hard to stay patient.

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Entstoryench · 05/10/2022 10:30

You can asserrt your own authority as a parent while speaking respectfully yourself. I don't believe in ignoring unwanted behaviour as I don't believe it gives children the boundaries they inherently crave. If your child hits you, physically block them and say 'I won't let you hit me'. If your child shouts at you, you can acknowledge the emotion behind the language without accepting it. For example :'I can see that you are feeling angry/frustrated/impatient. I will understand you better when you speak calmly.'

I have learned that when you acknowledge a childs emotions, it quickly diffuses their overwhelming feelings.
I highly, highly, highly recommend Janet Lansbury. Absolute gamechanger.

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Anonymouseposter · 05/10/2022 10:31

I thought you were going to say your DD was in her late teens when her personality will be clear. She’s a very young child who hasn’t learned yet and the networks in her brain are still forming. Yes, she has her own little personality but it’s your job to teach her and influence her. It’s hard work and takes a lot of patience and energy. She’ll grow up and hopefully you will get on well as long as you don’t let her pick up that you don’t think she’s nice. She’s just a four year old who can’t handle frustration yet.

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Autumninnewyork · 05/10/2022 10:32

Honestly, you could be me! I used to feel a bit teary by the end of the day sometimes. I jokingly say to a friend who has a similar ‘emotional’ child that it’s a bit like being in an abusive relationship! Not to be offensive/flippant but as animals to be shouted at and smacked is going to start your adrenaline going etc and you always have to remain calm and suppress your own feelings of anger or frustration. It’s hard. It absolutely will get better though, with a lot of patience…

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Regularsizedrudy · 05/10/2022 10:35

Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled · 05/10/2022 10:29

@Autumninnewyork I know, Dh is working really hard on trying to be more patient, I get it though as she’s so full on shouting and demanding and crying, it’s hard to stay patient.

Maybe you should give your dd the same allowances you give your husband. She is trying and learning too.. and she’s a child not a grown man.

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WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 05/10/2022 10:36

Wow, what is it with the threads this week, where mothers seem to really dislike their daughters? These poor girls. Sad

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