Dd just isn’t very nice.

[Autumndaysandthegrassisjewelled]

I know that sounds awful to say.
I love my Dd, just turned 4 more than anything in the world. She’s bright, funny, motivated, independent and can be v loving and sweet.
For quite a while now…maybe since 3.6 years old, she’s been so difficult, shouts when doesn’t get her own way, highly strung etc…there’s usually crying and an awful start to the day most mornings. She’s also great fun and full of energy…but these outbursts and the way she speaks are bringing me down. We’ve always brought her up to speak nicely and have manners etc but I find her shouting ‘I’m not going to listen to you!’ And ‘Be quiet!’ etc so much these days. I feel like so many things are a battle, is this normal, what am I doing wrong? I miss the more pleasant side of her!

It’s just a phase, I’m expecting it here. DD was lovely at 2, is now just 3. I’ve been warned that 3-4 will be hard as girls generally miss the terrible two's and do it later. They usually improve at 5 apparently.

It shall pass.

Yes it can be a phase, but it still needs managing. You can’t always rely on it ‘just passing’.

I know a boy who was like this at 3. He is still like it at 8. Yells, screams, stamps when things don’t go ‘right’ or he doesn’t get the outcome he wants.

His mum didn’t get tough with it, let him shout the house down and now this is what he’s like. He is ok with his peers and does well at school. But the lack of boundaries at home means he thinks he can behave like a Lord Emperor there who should be appeased.

Also, what’s with the deluge of threads recently by women whining about the daughters they chose to have, and raise, behaving in developmentally standard ways to their upbringing? Ffs.

@Rutland2022 Dd was also very different at 2, whilst friends kids were hard work…now my Dd is the most challenging in the group. She’s just very intense, she takes ages to get to sleep at night, doesn’t listen to us. It all feels like a power struggle at the moment, she’s very strong

She has so much love and affection from us, has an amazing life and wants for nothing, I just don’t understand what’s going wrong

sounds brilliant, but this isn’t amazing to her. This is normality.

I would be taking a tough stance on her behaviour, you’re allowed to upset her if you’re teaching her that her actions will provoke a reaction. For example, if you’re playing with her and she gets spiteful, tell her that you’re not playing anymore because she’s making you feel sad. Don’t hold grudges but she needs to understand consequences and why her behaviours will make people back off.

You’ve hit that point where we would have heard our parents talk about ‘being ungrateful’. It’s true, not in a way that means your dc is bad, just that they’ve not experienced enough of life to put their good circumstances in perspective and motivation to build social skills that let them deal with their emotions.

If she is just starting preschool part time it sounds as if you have a September born child who is probably wanting to be further ahead than she is.

Frustration is perfectly normal at this stage she is wanting to be independent and is getting upset when the reality doesnt match her expectations as to what she can do and is allowed to do.

It will pass!

What can you do - firstly accept this is a perfectly normal developmental stage. She isnt being horrible she is figuring out who she is and becoming a more independent person - vital for going to school.

Be patient - she is 4 you are adults. Keep your emotions in check. What she needs are clearly defined rules and boundaries but pick your battles. Work out what is non negotiable and what she can have control over. For example wearing clothes when going out is non negotiable. Wearing mismatching clothes, shorts when it is colder etc - let her that is her finding her way. She wont wear a coat out - fine say I will take the coat. If it is cold she is going to put that coat on fairly quickly. Allow autonomy within a set of rules.

Keep an eye on tiredness and hunger as well

Has she started at School /Nursery ? Any other major changes .She is still a little girl ,and has to work out how to communicate properly and in an acceptable way! Maybe say to her when she is calm that Mummy and Daddy dont like bing shouted at and it is much nicer to ask for what you want politely .Lots of cuddles and positive comments from you both .

This sounds like you have completely forgotten she’s 4 to be honest. Of course she has no idea or appreciation how great her life is. You haven’t ‘always raised her to be well behaved’ or whatever you said - it’s barely started. It’s not job done!

Firstly, I don’t think it is confined to daughters. Secondly, some humans (irrespective of gender) have difficult personalities. Some will be down to developmental phases and some will be inherent personality traits. It takes all sorts, and that’s OK, and just like it’s fine to point out that someone is easy-going, it’s also ok to point out that someone is highly strung. It doesn’t mean it’s easy and people are allowed to seek advice on how to deal with it.

It's awful isn't it? Speaks volumes about the parent who says this tbh.

a power struggle at the moment

This is key - at the moment she is starting to grow up - what you want is her to be independent but a nice well rounded person. This is the start of that but it involves letting her be independent when she can (so letting go) and working out what is a battle. And once you decide stick to it. Boundaries should be set that are always enforced.

She has so much love and affection from us, has an amazing life and wants for nothing, I just don’t understand what’s going wrong

What she wants is control - that is perfectly normal. The ability to be able to chose and do things that she wants to do. Frustration comes in when she either isnt allowed to or simply isnt old enough to physically/emotionally do so

My parents often come and my mum says I’m not strict enough with her and that we were never like this etc.

As a single mum of 3 adult DDs ( in their 20s all living at home). Please deal with this now. Stay calm. when she shouts : Never shout back or give a reaction. You need to let her know who is in charge from now on or you will NOT be liking that little angel for a long time. Always give words of praise and compliments.
Focus a lot on all her good behaviour. Do not major on the minor things.

@The2Omicronnies Thank you 🙏 I’m really struggling with this and want to do my best

Terrible twos
Trusting threes
Frustrated fours

A Canadian friend told me this many years ago. It’s true. Honestly it will get better.

@marykay1 It does feel
like she’s overpowering us at times, or really trying to, she’s very strong

And I say just his mum because there wasn’t a dad on the scene, not because I think it was only up to her!

No, you’re stronger. You have to be. But you need a united front.

It's a common phase. They do come through it, I promise.

You have to stay calm, consistent, firm and loving and ride it out.

I used to shut myself in the bathroom so they couldn't see me and 'flick the Vs' at them like a kid when I got too frustrated. Find silly shit that'll let off steam / make you laugh. It helps.

Oh I know it's hard OP - there have been times where i haven't liked my 6 month old for a fleeting moment because she just won't stop screaming and screaming! I love her to bits of course, but sometimes she makes me cry with her screaming!

I have no advice as my little one is just a baby so I've not got any 3/4 year old behaviour management techniques, but just wanted to say don't feel bad about your feelings of not liking her for a split second!

My stock phrases, and dd now uses them with dgs who is coming up to three and a half were "Excuse me, did you mean to be rude or did you forget your good manners?" This gave them a chance to reconsider what they had said and retract or rephrase it more nicely. And "You need to use your indoor voice or I can't hear you. Come and find me when you are ready to use your indoor voice" this gave me the opportunity to remove myself and them to calm down before speaking to me without shouting. It seemed to work and dd obviously remembered and thought it effective as she adopted them herself. It soon got to the stage where "Excuse me" and "You need to use your indoor voice" was all I and dd have to say.

Stay calm. stay positive. give her rewards for good behaviour ( stickers, a hug , kiss,) and when she does not listen set out a " listening corner" for her to sit for some time! You need to be FIRM. You have to do set the ground rules now or you will pay for it big time later! ( I should know)

Listen to your mum!

Sounds rough OP, and I’m sorry you’re getting berated for saying your DD sometimes isn’t nice. You are allowed those thoughts and feelings and it does not make you a bad parent, you are human!

Late 3 through 4 was also fairly tough with my DD, who just turned 5. The amount of times I had to leave the room and cry because she was being downright mean. Me and some friends had the phrase ‘no one tells you about 4’ because it seems that way, we’re told how tough the baby stage and then toddler stage is but for me when she became a little girl it really ramped up. On the flip side it was also a lot more fun as her personality developed.

it does get better. Stay firm in your boundaries and explaining unacceptable behaviour. It will pass, she’s just testing out all of the different ways she can express herself in the world. I distinctly remember having moments of ‘there she is’ when she came through tough moments which had lasted weeks or months.

you are doing great, give yourself a break, and if it’s at all feasible, try to get some time just for you without her. It will make you better equipped to deal with it.

<3

DS went through this phase and looking back he was just very anxious and not able to deal with those big emotions. This book saved us, it’s an easy read and lots of practical suggestions to implement.

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/B01N7BR3O6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2YCUUIZOC6431&keywords=how+to+talk+so+little+kids+will+listen&qid=1664966167&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjc4IiwicXNhIjoiMi4yOSIsInFzcCI6IjIuMzUifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=How+to+ta%2Caps%2C78&sr=8-1