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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents helping

110 replies

Sparklybutold · 05/10/2022 00:29

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2022 00:40

I think you are really. The grandma was having a moan, as people sometimes do. You don’t know what’s really going on in her family.

What is it you want help with? A few hours childcare every week from your mother in law sounds pretty good to me.

LightDrizzle · 05/10/2022 00:43

How old is your daughter?

Having your MIL take her for a few hours roughly once a week is a big help in my book. I know some GPs provide loads of childcare but I think it’s still a minority and I wouldn’t expect it. It’s lovely for all if it’s what everyone wants but I have felt sorry for older colleagues in the past who were struggling with the amount of care they provided.

My only living grandma lived a few hours away and it was the same with my children and for my childhood best friend so I suppose it’s what I’m used to. My daughters had lovely relationships with their three surviving grandparents but they never provided regular childcare.

DoodlePug · 05/10/2022 00:43

All families are different.

Both me and DH spent a lot of time with grandparents when we were young - after school, lunchtimes, over nights and short holidays. My sis usually went on foreign holidays with my nan.

My parents have practically brought up my sis'sDC (single mum), providing wrap around care plus every school holiday, taking them abroad for weeks at a time .

We live near the in laws and whilst retired and obviously loving sending time with DS they were also very clear that they weren't 'support' as such. One sleep over a month (2pm-10am) plus an hour after school once a week and that's it. We needed them to do 10am-10am once for best friends wedding and they really weren't happy, I must stress that my DS is lovely!

It's fine really, i didn't expect anyone else to raise my child but given how much help they had from their own parents I find it very strange.

I do think it's unreasonable to expect the grandparents to alter their retirement plans or even give up work to care for their child, which some people seem to do.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 05/10/2022 00:53

I think what it triggers in me is the fact I have zilch on my side. So to hear about this other woman's support structure was just mind boggling! Especially considering the fact serum looks after the horses and now her dog!

My DH mum is definitely trying, just a shame DH dad is unpleasant most of the time.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 05/10/2022 00:58

I only every see this on Mumsnet. I'm obviously a different generations (I'm late 50s). I worked part time when children were small and then went back full time because I needed the money.

It would never have occurred to me that my parents should somehow chip in to help out with my kids. They worked too. The liked to see the GC if we dropped in for a coffe, and occasionally we arranged meals together, but I didn't expect 'help'. Both my parents were still working full time when I had DCs in my 20s.

I was left a single mum too - and you just get on and deal with it, mentally accepting that this is now your responsibility. I'm bemused by modern families that seem to think help is someone due to be offered by others. One of the things about becoming an adult and parent is that you weigh up whether you are prepared to sacrifice a lot of time/money and stress to starting and raising a family. Maybe I didn't have a Pollyanna relationship with my granny - but both my mother and my gran would have made sharp comments on my parenting and offered outdated, unwanted advice had they been involved in child care. I wouldn't have wanted to revert to the 'child' status whilst they took over my kids.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 05/10/2022 01:00

You have tons of help compared to me. My parents have never had my son and my husbands mum has had him once, on our wedding day 😂 count yourself lucky

Thegreenballoon · 05/10/2022 01:02

I wouldn’t want that kind of “help”. My parents babysit occasionally and they’d be round like a shot in a crisis, otherwise they stick to grandparenting not childcare, which works well for all of us. I would absolutely hate to have my children live with my parents during the week (not that they’d ever agree to that, nor would my children be happy) - that’s not helping that’s practically being another parent. No thanks.

HoppingPavlova · 05/10/2022 01:03

Tbh I’m always gobsmacked when I hear people have parents/family living nearby to even be logistically feasible to assist. As with ourselves, most people I know have parents living in other countries, States or long distances away. How do people have situations where abundant/diverse/specialised work opportunities exist for both themselves and their spouse/partner around the corner from both sets of parents????

meateatingveggie · 05/10/2022 01:03

@MadMadMadamMim I agree.

The idea that grandparents are lacking if they don't give up great chunks of their time is awful.

Gonnabegrandma · 05/10/2022 01:15

Our dgd lives with us with her parents and some of their siblings ! I provide care every day and it seems natural to me to help out at anytime . My friends think it’s mad !! Her parents are quite happy. Our parents didn’t help out that much when our children were growing up and I suffered horrifically from pnd so I was determined that our dil would have all the support she wanted , but each family is different and I’ve never had to juggle working with caring for my dc or dgd

MintJulia · 05/10/2022 01:35

Every family works in a different way. I don't know why you are shocked or angry. You chose to have your dcs. Did you consult the grandparents first?

I'm a single mum with no family help at all, or a dh. I work full time, and do everything. It's just the way things are and I still love my life.

Oneortwo2022 · 05/10/2022 01:59

You were feeling more than a ‘little envious’. Feeling angry in response to hearing about how much support one family gets from grandparents is nothing to do with the people involved and everything to do with you.

BluSquid · 05/10/2022 02:22

I felt similar when my DD was 0-2. I didn't want any childcare, but it made me feel really angry that neither of her Grandmothers wanted to spend any time with her at all. It was a mix of anxiety that DD would miss out and be isolated, and (I realised later) I was finally realising how badly my own mother had failed me when I was a child. It made me feel awful seeing all these Grandparents who loved their Grandkids and spent lots of time with them, at the time it felt like absolutely everybody apart from my DD had doting Grandparents.

I'm fine now that I've had a little bit of a grieving process over my childhood. It would be lovely to have lots of family connections sure, but it would also be lovely to win the lottery. You can learn to be happy with your lot :)

ShippingNews · 05/10/2022 02:28

I never had one minute of child care from either side, it was never offered and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking. But I'm now like the grandmother you spoke to, and I love it.

DH and I stay at my dd's place for 4 days each week,, to take her 2 children to and from school and to after school activities. I also cook dinner most nights since dd and sil get home fairly late.

It wasn't planned this way - she was working part time, but was offered a huge promotion which entails long hours. I jumped in and said I was happy to come over and do this every week. It's been nearly a year and I love the closeness that DH and I have with the children - it's priceless.

When I think of my own mother who had no interest in doing this, I just think that she missed something really wonderful.

Coyoacan · 05/10/2022 02:38

Would you really want someone to take your child from Monday to Friday, OP? I know there is a difference between what we imagined and reality, but I think that is so sad

YellowTreeHouse · 05/10/2022 03:43

Of course YABU. Why shouldn’t she accept that help if it is offered?

I wouldn’t do it, but there’s nothing wrong with those who do.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 05/10/2022 03:53

Does it help to know that I am envious of what you get? In an average week, you get more help from family than I have ever had

Squeezedsquash · 05/10/2022 03:57

Ten years into this parenting lark and with a mix of friends with kids of different ages, I’m becoming more convinced that the greatest divide (and I get that’s something that is artificial but let’s name it) isn’t between SAHP and working parents, but between parents with reliable family support and those without. Though I’ve always worked full time or four days a week I have much more in common with my friends who don’t work with no local family than I do with those with grandparents/aunts/uncles etc who they can call on regularly for childcare.

And yes, keeping the green eyed monster at bay can be hard, but I’m afraid I’d be massively jealous of you! It isn’t just about the childcare, but about my children’s relationship with other adults.

but yes, comes at all sorts of costs too.

Autumnisclose · 05/10/2022 04:19

Mine are late teens now so no childcare needed, but I would have loved to have a GP to take them for a few hours a week when they were young so you're lucky.

We had very little help from anyone. I think the worse was all our friends having GPs with nice houses and £ who could take the GC away in the summer or have them for a few weeks at a time. Jeez I was envious of that. Not just because it saved the hassle of childcare, but also the lovely relationship it drveloped..

DHS parents were too old and far away to help. SIL is selfish and doesn't even remember their birthday. My father is absent and my mum is lovely but never wanted to babysit much. She probably did it about twice a year for a few hours and we had to pay her as she has no money. She looked after them for 36 hours once so we could go to a wedding and took them to the local town on the bus. My son who was 7 at the time accidentally walked too close and nearly tripped her up. It's all she talked about when we got back like it was this massive deal. It was one of only 2 day trips she took them on as small children. Our friends parents were taking their GC to theme parks and the beach etc for the day. My two love my mum but it's not the close relationship she hoped for mostly because they've not spent any length of time together. I will definitely do things differently I'm ever lucky enough to have GC and love close enough to them.

ChillysWaterBottle · 05/10/2022 04:39

YABU calling the daughter 'incredibly selfish' just because you are envious of her set up. Surely it can't be THAT shocking to you?? Most people I know have significant family support, it's absolutely the norm here. No doubt you would accept it if it was available and offered too. It isn't a one way thing. Grandparents who do this often do it because they want to and love spending time with their grandchildren. Many people are raising children within a wider family unit where everyone helps each other out, not just siloed couples.

YANBU to bemoan your own lack of support though. Not everyone has family support available or the relationships to make support offered acceptable. That makes things a lot tougher. It can be hard to hear when someone has things that would make your own life easier. I've certainly fallen into this trap myself. But it ultimately isn't helpful. And it is more to do with you than them.

Devilledmeg · 05/10/2022 04:55

Can't believe you're complaining about a lack of support when you get a few hours a week! 😂

Flabbydabby · 05/10/2022 05:03

You get a few hours a week! What are you moaning about? I’m lucky if I get a few hours a year.

Virgo2020 · 05/10/2022 05:27

I understand how upsetting it is, because I also find it hard hearing about other people's super helpful parents and the support they provide. However, your DC do have a Grandparent willing to take them for a few hours a week. My DS is almost 3 and grandparents have never had him for any length of time, ever. With the exception of when he's at nursery two days per week so I can work, DH and I have looked after him ourselves. DS was a really difficult baby and I developed PND, no one would take him for a walk round the block to let me nap. It's hurtful realising people you love aren't there for you or your child...

I've found it helpful to focus on what I do have,

Goatsanddogs · 05/10/2022 06:19

I am another Grandmother who spends a lot of time helping with childcare. I took early retirement so that I was available if needed and my granddaughter has not been an easy baby in that she sleeps so little. My daughter has pnd to the point it nearly wrecked her marriage. My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening.
I have no regrets in being so full on grandparent and I know this won’t be for ever. I absolutely adore spending time with GD, she gives me so much pleasure and my love for her keeps growing.

Worthyornot · 05/10/2022 06:20

HoppingPavlova · 05/10/2022 01:03

Tbh I’m always gobsmacked when I hear people have parents/family living nearby to even be logistically feasible to assist. As with ourselves, most people I know have parents living in other countries, States or long distances away. How do people have situations where abundant/diverse/specialised work opportunities exist for both themselves and their spouse/partner around the corner from both sets of parents????

Same. We moved over as expats and had to build a support structure from scratch. Now THAT is hard, being thousands of miles away from home in a foreign country not knowing a single person and trying to find your way. It's taken us years and years to build that support.