Grandparents helping

[Sparklybutold]

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

I was an older mum so no GP support at all and really my generation did not expect it. Maybe childcare was more affordable then. I do sometimes feel sorry for some of the quite elderly women I see struggling with a couple of tots on the bus. Grandpa is rarely to be seen. I think family finances are so squeezed these days that GP care is the only way they can both work.

I love my little fella beyond words, we have such a lovely relationship, we have fun, we laugh so much, we get into mischief, its wonderful and I feel very much that some grandparents are just not aware of what they are missing out on by not having much to do with dgc“

all of the above but one day a week in sole charge is plenty 😁

It's the expectancy of it....Ohh but we couldn't work if my parents didn't take him, we don't earn enough to cover childcare, we have no choice, Mum just loves having him from 7-5 every day, Nahhh she wouldn't want money for it, it's what grandparents do, it's quality time with their grandchildren, My friend's Mum has her kids all week including nights, my Mum won't do that, it really bothers me Dad really enjoys the school run, kids are better behaved for My Mum than they are for me at home, My Mum is only 63 and full of life.

All the while you see downtrodden older people trying to wrestle a 2 year old into a shopping trolley in Tesco who are getting old before their time by being full time childminders after already bringing up their own kids.

Selfish, entitled and wrong.

I have looked after my Dgs since he was 1 and my dd went back to work after maternity leave. Before he started preschool I used to have him for up to a day and a half a week and he went to a childminder the other one and a half days that his mum works. The reason it was up to one and a half days was because his dad works shifts - 2 days, 2 nights on four days off.

Since he started school I have him up to three mornings and three afternoons a week and since my dd went back to full time he goes to breakfast club and after school club two days.

I am very happy to have him and Dh and I have a wonderful relationship with Dgs. The reason we offered to look after him even before he was conceived was because we are older grandparents and if we were going to be able to give time to him the sooner dd had a baby the easier for us.

Originally dd’s mil had offered as well but she unfortunately died of a brain tumour two months after Dgs was born at the age of 57 and we are so grateful to be given this opportunity.

I have no childcare from GP on my side (DH's have both passed away and were basically too old too offer before they passed) and none is offered. I never expect it, even a couple of hours a week other than I'd have thought they'd actually want to spend time with their only granddaughter. I tried to broach the subject that DD might be able to come for a sleepover for my 20th wedding anniversary (fairly big milestone in my book) I've never asked before but the whole idea of providing any childcare was shut down fairly promptly.

looking after siblings pets seems ok though.
It breaks my heart if I'm honest for my daughter's sake as she's never so much as had a day out with them and she's starting to notice that other GP take an interest in their grandchildren's lives and hers don't.
The irony in the whole situation is that I have vivid memories of them complaining that my GP didn't do enough - to my mind they knocked spots off them!

My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening.

and others of this ilk: that is lovely and fine for you and your family. For others not so much, and these (often smug) posts are really just fanning the flames, as though other kinds of grandparenting are inferior and invalid.

FWIW, my DCs went to my parents every year for a couple of weeks in summer, to help us out and to foster a relationship. It worked for all of us, especially when one of us didn't have to fly over with them, and again to collect (or one of our parenty brought them back). Although that was always fun too.

My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening.

I would wonder how badly I had done raising my adult dd to be an independent adult if they needed that much support tbh and I say that with a daughter who has raised dgs singlehandedly since the day he was born and has been back at work since he was nine months old. That's not helping out that is doing it for them.

Sorry wasn't meant to quote you its a nightmare on this app to say something without quotes coming in error.
I do think people underestimate the exhaustion of childcare when your older its hard to put yourself in the shoes of someone twice your age or more. A full day can be too much a few hours of an easy child is different to full days of a tantrums. Most grandparents haven't had young children for 20 years its a big shock if your not used to it.
I love my grandchildren and happily give up my day off to care for them but I appreciate its not for all I think the entitlement of some is awful.

YABU. All families are different, people do what they want to. That grandma obviously wants to help, so does so. She's just venting to a stranger about it. If she didn't really want to do it, then she wouldn't. If it makes you feel better, I'm in the same position as you. Zero support here, and I care for an elderly parent. It sucks, big time. I too have been a little jealous of other mum's, who get lots of support. Just don't go down that path.

Yes this. I think there is a real modern 'expectation' that grandparents should adapt their lives to fit around their children's and grandchildren's needs, provide free childcare and be prepared to take on that load uncomplainingly.

As is shown by a couple of the posts on here, in a few cases some grandparents genuinely do relish being able to offer daily childcare and support, even if absorbs a significant chunk of their time. But I suspect they are in the minority, and I am sure many feel trapped/exhausted/frustrated/taken advantage of that they are having to do so much to look after grandchildren, but also feel they have no choice.

Every family is different but there should always be a balance and it's clear that many parents have unrealistic expectations of their own.

My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening

Your daughter sounds very helpless and dependent. She needs you every single day?
Your life just sounds like complete drudgery.

dirtyasadustpanlid · Today 11:52
My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening“

it’s really not good for a fully grown adult to be so reliant on their parent. How will she cope if you suddenly aren’t available?

It's all great if willingly given. MIL is frequently at SIL's doing childcare, and I genuinely believe there's nothing she'd rather be doing than hanging out the with grandkids. She's youngish (early 60s), early retired and no parents of her own to look after anymore. SIL use paid childcare for half the week so I don't think it's a pisstake.

However I have met grandparents who feel differently. I was chatting to one at a toddler group who said that she was feeling the pinch financially as she was always shelling out for groups, soft play, lunches and snacks, and her DD seemed oblivious.

And agree, I'm most jealous of @mountainsunsets FIL who does doggy daycare. We don't have a dog due to work commitments, but that kind of dog-share set up would be amazing!

I get jealous too. But it’s lovely knowing how much we can rely on just us to sort everything in some ways. Keeps it simple haha

Having read on from my last post I would like very much to point out that there is 'help' and doing it for them! We help our dd and sil because they help themselves and we respect the family they are building, they work hard, are very good parents, totally hands on etc very self sufficient. We love them, we help with money if we can, things like summer school club/beavers etc, it all adds up but its good for dgs to be with kids socially, the moment I feel we are taken for granted will be the moment it all ends and I really do believe that our children should be treated like competent adults once they are parents themselves.

@MrsSkylerWhite I quite agree one day a week is now quite enough! My little fella has form for sucking my life force away

I’m sorry about your mum.

But as it’s all so hard and expensive, why prolong the agony and have yet another child?

although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours

She's 'trying'? Do you think she should do more then? Why do you need her to look after your kid?

I think it’s all relative. I would have been awash with gratitude to have a couple hours a week TBH.
Neither my DP nor my PIL have ever looked after my DC.

Something linked to this that I sometimes see on forums is where there is a view that if grandparents don’t provide regular childcare then they can forget about seeing their grandchildren or having any support when they age, - a horrible transactional view of family relationships.

Most grandparents I’ve known over 50 years have sometimes had their grandchildren on their own once they are older but they’ve also spent time with the family together; lunches, days out, visits, Christmas etc… When I see a tetchy “They don’t do ANY childcare but expect to intrude on our family time…” - it’s really sad, I’m not talking about weekly visits which could easily be too much.

I’m not a granny yet and when I am I won’t be able to commit to regular childcare due to distance but will do as much as they want for chunks after the birth; cleaning, cooking, laundry etc… We will also be able to babysit and have them when they are older for a week at a time if the parents and their children are happy with it, but I know my DD and SIL will still want to do things all together too because they already choose to spend time with us. It will doubtless be similar with my daughter’s lovely in-laws for the same reason (distance).

Most people are able or aren’t cut out to be full time carers of aged parents and it shouldn’t be expected, but if there has been love and good-enough parenting surely it’s normal to help them where you can? Both ex-DH and I went to boarding schools from young ages and our parents didn’t provide regular childcare but were loving parents and grandparents. My ex is a selfish twat but neither of us felt our parents undeserving of support when they became infirm and I certainly helped out and did my best and he did less so, but still something.

Life isn’t fair, some people have more support at hand, some inherit wealth. It’s also not fair to punish our parents, if they have been good-enough and loving parents, for not giving us £££ for house deposits or providing free childcare, just because Sophie down the road gets everything.

I should clarify DH mum offered a few hours at the weekend when I started working weekends. DH works the week. I'll let you draw the conclusions from this.

@Squeezedsquash @Chicci1

Really interesting observation about the divide between parents with help versus those without. I hadn't actually been able to articulate this but it definitely changes the parenting experience and it feels having no or little help comes with a lot more personal and financial sacrifices.

@MRex and others that have mentioned the anger. Aot of this is from me and almost mounting what I could only ever dream off. My mum died when I was 2 and I am estarnged from my dad and the rest of the family. No one has met or spoke to my DC (2 and 12). To speak to another GP so invested and then for her to speak of how well her daughter is doing career wise when Ive had to make really hard decisions. I mourn all of this.

I think what I'm missing/am envious off is just having someone from my side who just cares. I struggled with PND and lots of mental health problems, but have had to navigate this without family support. It's felt very lonely at times especially when DH worked away a lot:

Did she think your husband might struggle looking after his kid? Why doesn't he want to see his child as much as possible at the weekend?