Grandparents helping

[Sparklybutold]

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

That woman’s daughter sounds pretty selfish. If my adult dd were talking about getting a dog and I said I didn’t want to look after it, and then she got a dog, I would
not be looking after it ever!! I feel sorry for the grandma.
i would love to be involved with my dc, but emergencies aside, I’d like it to be on my terms. I won’t be quitting my job or booking in 10 hour days 5 days a week.
An overnight once a month sounds quite nice!

I had no help with DCs, hence I am keen to help my grown up DCs with DGCs.
Perhaps it is the same with the lady you spoke to.

A bit of jealousy I think. Some grandparents move heaven and earth others don't want to know but not much we can do about it accept be grateful for any help we do get

My parents are both retired and young (60's) and I'm a single parent. They've offered very little help with childcare. Even when my youngest was a newborn and I'd had a csection, I was pretty much left to get on with it. They live a 5 minute walk away.
Nearly all of the families around me have the support of their parents so they can work and have evenings out.
I'm conflicted though, because my parents weren't great so I really don't want them spending a lot of time with them. My father shouts and gets easily irritated when they're just being exuberant and my mother is very controlling around food and gives them tiny portions so realistically, even if they were supportive and wanted to help, I probably wouldn't want them to!
Sometimes I just look at other family set ups and just wish that had been mine or ours, I guess that's it.

I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on my parents. That's incredibly selfish. We work full time - as do many parents - and still manage to look after our own children.

Grandparents shouldn't have a permanent caring responsibility IMO. They didn't choose to have grandchildren - they shouldn't have to take full responsibility for them. They should be there for the fun stuff.

I agree totally on this great divide. I haven’t thought about it like this before but it is so true. It is a little infuriating when the people who get so much help don’t recognise how different that makes to their lives. I think they have a completely different parenting experience to those of us who truly have everything fall to us. @

i would also be a bit envious of the help you have op!! I know you don’t think it’s much but a few hours every single week would make a massive difference to our lives. We get absolutely no help. It takes a toll on careers, marriage, mental health. My dh’s parents see the kids once every 18 months maybe. They have never been alone with them. My own parents live five mins away and will pop over for tea but will sit down and eat/drink and watch the children perform.

I don't understand why your response is anger, you don't know anything about this family apart from one person having a mild grumble. We've never had hours a week of support from grandparents, nor would we expect it, do you think I should be angry with you?

Lives are different; families, friendships, relationships, work - all different. There's an old aphorism that certainly applies to you - comparison is the thief of joy.

I got no help whatsoever from my family and I was a single mum. I struggled hugely and it really I.pacted my mental health.
They would send me pictures of the fun times and holidays they were having while DS and I struggled to find every penny. I worked full time.
Now they expect me to care for them in their old age. Fat chance. I'm not wasting my now stable life on them.
I cant understand it OP. Id do anything for my DS and my grandchildren. I want them to benefit from a warm loving family not the uncaring cold fish I had.

YABU. All families are different.

My parents were well in to their 70s when I had children, lived abroad half the year but did do the odd evening babysitting but that's it. My in laws never offered nor were ever asked.
I was more envious of the lovely grandparent- grandchild relationship I saw with some families. This doesn't have to be only when childcare is involved, but my parents passed away when my kids were young.
Some grandparents are emotionally guilted into providing care, and that's terrible. Some love it. I hope I'm fit and young enough (I had my kids in my 40s) to be able to enjoy my grandchildren if and when they come along, but I will not be providing extensive childcare.

And the funny thing is OP I was offloaded onto my own grandparents all of the time because my mother "couldn't cope". She's never worked. I dont understand what she couldn't cope with I was a very well behaved child who could amuse myself all day. Iearnt early on not to bother my mother. She was ways going off onions holidays leaving me with them. I got myself dressed and washed and walked .yself to school everyday a mile away at 5 years old while she stayed in bed. I find it quite astounding she expects me to sacrifice my owning now to be at her beck and call. She isn't infirm.

As pp have said, a few hours a week is amazing already, you are so lucky. My family is overseas (20 hour plane ride away), my MIL lives 6 hours away and only seen the eldest (2.5 yo) 3 times and the youngest (6m) once. FIL never bothered to meet the kids… don’t compare, it’s the thieve of joy

I think any grandparent support is a bonus and should be treated as such. Having none should be your expectation and what you get is what you should be grateful for. We got a morning a week, which saved a day at nursery pre pandemic but during that time they grew that bit older and whilst we might get a couple of nights a year that’s about it now. It wasn’t 100% reliable we’d miss at least 1 day a month, sometimes weeks at a time so I’d get a babysitter who was a lot cheaper than nursery. I could swallow that quite happily. Other grandparents are overseas and are virtually bribing a niece up, we’re more concerned how much they do than jealous.

My GM and GD provided childcare. I'd go on holiday and trips away with them. I moved by my Mum when I was widowed. I did evenings/nights so my children slept at hers. All of us looked after my Mum before she died, for us that's how families work. I've now taken temporary early retirement to help out my DD. I sympathise over the dog because when I haven't got the children, I've still got one of the dogs. I've told both DD's no more dogs. I have one of her children over night every Friday and my eldest DD (no children) has the other. My eldest then has them both every Saturday. I do school pickup, after school care, Wednesday to Friday. My eldest takes them on weekends away and on holiday during the summer. I think that looking after your grandchildren is the best anti-aging thing that you can do. I've had health issues and they've stopped me wallowing. I'm on a fitness drive mainly because I want to do activities with them and I'm vain, wouldn't be happy going swimming over a certain size. My Mum used to like doing my shopping and ironing because it gave her something to do. She was a morning and night lollypop lady as well. There's health benefits to being busy.

I wouldn’t want to be reliant on that level of support. What if the DGPs get ill and can no longer manage (as happened to a friend who works shifts).

MIL takes our DS after school twice a week because they both like it, but DS could easily go to after school club.

Some people are just more lucky than others and it depends on circumstances and their relatives, it sucks but it’s life.

My mum gave me so much support when I had my first daughter, had her once a week to help with childcare then on top of that where she could - she did this as she got no help from her relatives when we were little and knew the importance of having a balanced family life. Unfortunately, she passed away when my eldest was three and I lost all the support and help I was getting.

I now have 3 children and pregnant with a 4th. We get no family help now, our childcare bills are through the roof, we haven’t had a night away from the kids in 7 years and I’m wondering who will watch my kids whilst I go into hospital to have my csection and hoping DH will be able to be there. We have other family on both sides but neither offer any help.

I think you just have to choke it up to experience like my mum did and make the best of it…..my DH jokes that he can already tell we’re going to be the super involved grandparents that help with childcare all the time because have really struggled whilst ours are little not having any help and I don’t want that for my kids when they grow up and have families, similar to how my mum felt x

I think your post goes to show how easily people can fall in to these arrangements and not really appreciate them, after all you get help every week (that's 52x per year more help that most of us get) and you see it as you "get nothing" "zilch". Maybe this women in the story is also pissed because she gets no help from her in laws side. The moral of the story for you should be appreciate what you have.

My DD has a friend who lives in a similar situation. His mother works shifts and is a single mother so he lives with his grandparents for stints of up to a fortnight. It's not all rosy, the child struggles massively with never knowing if he's coming or going and as lovely as his grandma is, he needs his mum.

My parents offer 2 days a week childcare. And help out with babysitting every 3/4 months for special nights out. They are constantly buying for our child and have paid for big house things that (we never asked for or even mentioned to them) they knew we needed such as repairs.

We are incredibly fortunate.

I have a friend who has 3 kids and who lost her parents at 10 years old. She has had nothing and no one to help her. Life has been incredibly hard. I have offered what I can (bits of money/babysitting here and there/cups of tea and food at mine) but I work full time and have a second job. Life is incredibly unfair and sometimes I sit and think how bloody lucky am I. I keep saying to myself, when I have more money, I'm going to treat my parents to something wonderful. They don't have to go over and above but they do out of love for me and DC.

I’ve had zero help from grandparents and extended family, not even a cup of tea after my DC were born. It sometimes makes me feel sad when I see how much love, support and care other people get, but at the same time our grandparents are totally different people to the kind grandparents others have so I wouldn’t really want their involvement anyway. In some ways it’s a blessing because as a pp said they get zero support and interest from me now they are getting older. They reap what they sow.

@ChillysWaterBottle Beautifully written.

I think this a symptom of having kids far later in life tbh.

Grandparents "should" be in their 40s and still working full time and therefore unable to provide regular childcare.

But my parents are in their 70s and retired and (very happily) spend time with my niece (2.5) 1 set spend every Friday afternoon from 12 - 3 and the other set have other Thursday for an hour after nursery. This wasn't possible when my lad was wee. They were still working, so we saw them all of a weekend, and evenings as DS got older etc.

However,I'm all for community and familial support, it's natural that the whole family spend time with each other in natural settings.

I think every family is different, when I was pregnant my MIL said she'd look after DD 5 days a week when I went back to work... I think she's glad we didn't take her up on that offer now she's remembered what 1 year olds are like! She does do 1 day a week though, as does my mum (again, her choice - we didn't ask, she offered) and she has 2 days in nursery.

My big thing was I didn't mind our parents doing a day or so but I didn't want either of them taking care of DD more than DH and I do and becoming 'parents' rather than 'grandparents' iyswim.

Your poor DMIL provides once a week childcare and all you can do is moan about your FIL and compare it to other families with more support.
I know this comes from a place of being upset about your own family l but honestly count your blessings.

When I read your post OP I didnt feel envious I just thought what a horrible lady to take advantage of her mum like that, why get a dog etc if you can't look after it. It sounds like her mum has no boundaries and that's not healthy.

A lot of people I know have families who live too far away to provide regular support or parents are ill etc, amongst my friends it's the norm to do it all yourself.

What does piss me off is those people (and I've seen some on this thread) who chip in with 'I hardly have any support either, only picking the GC up from a school and giving them dinner once a week and a sleepover every other weekend, it's so hard', who don't seem to be at all grateful for the help they do get