Grandparents helping

[Sparklybutold]

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

[girlmom21]

@Sparklybutold

I should clarify DH mum offered a few hours at the weekend when I started working weekends. DH works the week. I'll let you draw the conclusions from this.

That she wants her son to have some time to unwind/relax?

[pinkyredrose]

@girlmom21

That she wants her son to have some time to unwind/relax?

😅

[Cantbebotheredwithausername]

Every family is different, I guess. I'd never rely on my parents for childcare every day. Also, my parents still work full time, so it's not an option. They take care of our son one evening a week to let us do our hobby, though, and sometimes a few hours during the weekend if we have plans (definitely not every weekend, maybe once a month, but it's not a fixed agreement). They're happy to do it, and want to spend time with their grandson, but I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to be abused for free childcare (and dog-care and horse-care, although they used to sometimes have our car over when we went on vacation).

I don't think grandparents should feel obligated to care for their grandchildren full time as the parents "have no other options", but it's nice if they do want to help out sometimes.

[Jaaxe]

@Abracadabra12345

I’m sorry about your mum.


But as it’s all so hard and expensive, why prolong the agony and have yet another child?

I guess because I haven’t found the agony comes from having children and I can see the bigger picture?……losing my mum was hard and striped me of the family support which does make life harder but as I said unfortunately that’s life and I was just explaining that not everyone has the support of grandparents for childcare and I personally find people who do very lucky.

Not quite sure what you mean….Just because we don’t have free childcare from grandparents I don’t feel should mean I should of stopped at the one child when my mum died or should mean I put a limit on how many I have, that’s like saying people who don’t have free childcare from grandparents shouldn’t have children at all?

We manage ours between the two of us….yes we pay a lot in childcare which sucks but we both choose to work and are fortunate in that we can afford to pay for this and realise this won’t be forever as they are only young and require childcare for such a short time of their lives and paying this and having children is more important to us than not having them and having more money. Yes we miss out alot of social events together but we find unless there is somewhere we both need to be then that’s ok and our children come first. I suppose the “agony” as you describe it but I would call it more difficulty only comes when we need to be somewhere together without the children which is rare but my csection will be one of those occasions and just requires a lot more pre planning on our part than people with family who provide childcare on tap have.

[Sparklybutold]

@Abracadabra12345

Wow - what an awful response? I'm actually hoping you were being goady than actually meaning this.

For me, the childcare issue is a symptom of deeper issues. I miss my mum at my core. I miss not having someone in my corner. I miss.not having someone who get me because we're made of the same cloth. I mourn not having a close family who supports each other.

[Sparklybutold]

@Jaaxe so.sorry for your loss 💐 ignore abracadabra - shitty unnecessary comment that requires no defense.

[JustABloodyMinute]

Your "very little family support" which seems to be a "few hours childcare every week" sounds pretty good to me. I'd consider myself very lucky if I had that.

[VickyEadieofThigh]

@meateatingveggie

@MadMadMadamMim I agree.

The idea that grandparents are lacking if they don't give up great chunks of their time is awful.

I agree. The OP says she's "angry".

OP, you've no right to be angry. If you choose to have children, nobody else is obliged to provide free childcare.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

My Mum helped out as and when when my two were very little, as did ex MIL. Neither live near by though.

We always paid for full time childcare but sometimes had to do extra on top of normal hours (used to be self employed as did exh).

Now it’s much more doable with normal wrap around - my youngest is 8 now though!

[Notamum12345577]

Me and my wife got married young (she was 18) and had our son 11 months later. My parents were early to mid 40s, and my mother in law was 38. So young enough to keep up with the kids lol. They were always willing, if not busy, to have our kids for us. Usually we asked for evening/over night as my wife was a SAHM so we didn’t need too much during the day. My SIL is less than 2 years older than my son, MIL was a SAHM so anything during the day wasn’t an issue either. We always appreciated how fortunate we were, and hope to be able to do the same when we are grand parents