Grandparents helping

[Sparklybutold]

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

[Notamum12345577]

Me and my wife got married young (she was 18) and had our son 11 months later. My parents were early to mid 40s, and my mother in law was 38. So young enough to keep up with the kids lol. They were always willing, if not busy, to have our kids for us. Usually we asked for evening/over night as my wife was a SAHM so we didn’t need too much during the day. My SIL is less than 2 years older than my son, MIL was a SAHM so anything during the day wasn’t an issue either. We always appreciated how fortunate we were, and hope to be able to do the same when we are grand parents

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

My Mum helped out as and when when my two were very little, as did ex MIL. Neither live near by though.

We always paid for full time childcare but sometimes had to do extra on top of normal hours (used to be self employed as did exh).

Now it’s much more doable with normal wrap around - my youngest is 8 now though!

[VickyEadieofThigh]

@meateatingveggie

@MadMadMadamMim I agree.

The idea that grandparents are lacking if they don't give up great chunks of their time is awful.

I agree. The OP says she's "angry".

OP, you've no right to be angry. If you choose to have children, nobody else is obliged to provide free childcare.

[JustABloodyMinute]

Your "very little family support" which seems to be a "few hours childcare every week" sounds pretty good to me. I'd consider myself very lucky if I had that.

[Sparklybutold]

@Jaaxe so.sorry for your loss 💐 ignore abracadabra - shitty unnecessary comment that requires no defense.

[Sparklybutold]

@Abracadabra12345

Wow - what an awful response? I'm actually hoping you were being goady than actually meaning this.

For me, the childcare issue is a symptom of deeper issues. I miss my mum at my core. I miss not having someone in my corner. I miss.not having someone who get me because we're made of the same cloth. I mourn not having a close family who supports each other.

[Jaaxe]

@Abracadabra12345

I’m sorry about your mum.


But as it’s all so hard and expensive, why prolong the agony and have yet another child?

I guess because I haven’t found the agony comes from having children and I can see the bigger picture?……losing my mum was hard and striped me of the family support which does make life harder but as I said unfortunately that’s life and I was just explaining that not everyone has the support of grandparents for childcare and I personally find people who do very lucky.

Not quite sure what you mean….Just because we don’t have free childcare from grandparents I don’t feel should mean I should of stopped at the one child when my mum died or should mean I put a limit on how many I have, that’s like saying people who don’t have free childcare from grandparents shouldn’t have children at all?

We manage ours between the two of us….yes we pay a lot in childcare which sucks but we both choose to work and are fortunate in that we can afford to pay for this and realise this won’t be forever as they are only young and require childcare for such a short time of their lives and paying this and having children is more important to us than not having them and having more money. Yes we miss out alot of social events together but we find unless there is somewhere we both need to be then that’s ok and our children come first. I suppose the “agony” as you describe it but I would call it more difficulty only comes when we need to be somewhere together without the children which is rare but my csection will be one of those occasions and just requires a lot more pre planning on our part than people with family who provide childcare on tap have.

[Cantbebotheredwithausername]

Every family is different, I guess. I'd never rely on my parents for childcare every day. Also, my parents still work full time, so it's not an option. They take care of our son one evening a week to let us do our hobby, though, and sometimes a few hours during the weekend if we have plans (definitely not every weekend, maybe once a month, but it's not a fixed agreement). They're happy to do it, and want to spend time with their grandson, but I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to be abused for free childcare (and dog-care and horse-care, although they used to sometimes have our car over when we went on vacation).

I don't think grandparents should feel obligated to care for their grandchildren full time as the parents "have no other options", but it's nice if they do want to help out sometimes.

[pinkyredrose]

@girlmom21

That she wants her son to have some time to unwind/relax?

😅

[girlmom21]

@Sparklybutold

I should clarify DH mum offered a few hours at the weekend when I started working weekends. DH works the week. I'll let you draw the conclusions from this.

That she wants her son to have some time to unwind/relax?

[pinkyredrose]

@Sparklybutold

I should clarify DH mum offered a few hours at the weekend when I started working weekends. DH works the week. I'll let you draw the conclusions from this.

Did she think your husband might struggle looking after his kid? Why doesn't he want to see his child as much as possible at the weekend?

[Sparklybutold]

I think what I'm missing/am envious off is just having someone from my side who just cares. I struggled with PND and lots of mental health problems, but have had to navigate this without family support. It's felt very lonely at times especially when DH worked away a lot:

[Sparklybutold]

@MRex and others that have mentioned the anger. Aot of this is from me and almost mounting what I could only ever dream off. My mum died when I was 2 and I am estarnged from my dad and the rest of the family. No one has met or spoke to my DC (2 and 12). To speak to another GP so invested and then for her to speak of how well her daughter is doing career wise when Ive had to make really hard decisions. I mourn all of this.

[Sparklybutold]

@Squeezedsquash @Chicci1

Really interesting observation about the divide between parents with help versus those without. I hadn't actually been able to articulate this but it definitely changes the parenting experience and it feels having no or little help comes with a lot more personal and financial sacrifices.

[Sparklybutold]

I should clarify DH mum offered a few hours at the weekend when I started working weekends. DH works the week. I'll let you draw the conclusions from this.

[LightDrizzle]

Something linked to this that I sometimes see on forums is where there is a view that if grandparents don’t provide regular childcare then they can forget about seeing their grandchildren or having any support when they age, - a horrible transactional view of family relationships.

Most grandparents I’ve known over 50 years have sometimes had their grandchildren on their own once they are older but they’ve also spent time with the family together; lunches, days out, visits, Christmas etc… When I see a tetchy “They don’t do ANY childcare but expect to intrude on our family time…” - it’s really sad, I’m not talking about weekly visits which could easily be too much.

I’m not a granny yet and when I am I won’t be able to commit to regular childcare due to distance but will do as much as they want for chunks after the birth; cleaning, cooking, laundry etc… We will also be able to babysit and have them when they are older for a week at a time if the parents and their children are happy with it, but I know my DD and SIL will still want to do things all together too because they already choose to spend time with us. It will doubtless be similar with my daughter’s lovely in-laws for the same reason (distance).

Most people are able or aren’t cut out to be full time carers of aged parents and it shouldn’t be expected, but if there has been love and good-enough parenting surely it’s normal to help them where you can? Both ex-DH and I went to boarding schools from young ages and our parents didn’t provide regular childcare but were loving parents and grandparents. My ex is a selfish twat but neither of us felt our parents undeserving of support when they became infirm and I certainly helped out and did my best and he did less so, but still something.

Life isn’t fair, some people have more support at hand, some inherit wealth. It’s also not fair to punish our parents, if they have been good-enough and loving parents, for not giving us £££ for house deposits or providing free childcare, just because Sophie down the road gets everything.

[Lovemelovemydoggie]

I think it’s all relative. I would have been awash with gratitude to have a couple hours a week TBH.
Neither my DP nor my PIL have ever looked after my DC.

[pinkyredrose]

although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours

She's 'trying'? Do you think she should do more then? Why do you need her to look after your kid?

[Abracadabra12345]

@Jaaxe

Some people are just more lucky than others and it depends on circumstances and their relatives, it sucks but it’s life.

My mum gave me so much support when I had my first daughter, had her once a week to help with childcare then on top of that where she could - she did this as she got no help from her relatives when we were little and knew the importance of having a balanced family life. Unfortunately, she passed away when my eldest was three and I lost all the support and help I was getting.

I now have 3 children and pregnant with a 4th. We get no family help now, our childcare bills are through the roof, we haven’t had a night away from the kids in 7 years and I’m wondering who will watch my kids whilst I go into hospital to have my csection and hoping DH will be able to be there. We have other family on both sides but neither offer any help.

I think you just have to choke it up to experience like my mum did and make the best of it…..my DH jokes that he can already tell we’re going to be the super involved grandparents that help with childcare all the time because have really struggled whilst ours are little not having any help and I don’t want that for my kids when they grow up and have families, similar to how my mum felt x

I’m sorry about your mum.


But as it’s all so hard and expensive, why prolong the agony and have yet another child?

[thebabessavedme]

@MrsSkylerWhite I quite agree one day a week is now quite enough! My little fella has form for sucking my life force away

[thebabessavedme]

Having read on from my last post I would like very much to point out that there is 'help' and doing it for them! We help our dd and sil because they help themselves and we respect the family they are building, they work hard, are very good parents, totally hands on etc very self sufficient. We love them, we help with money if we can, things like summer school club/beavers etc, it all adds up but its good for dgs to be with kids socially, the moment I feel we are taken for granted will be the moment it all ends and I really do believe that our children should be treated like competent adults once they are parents themselves.

[Thehop]

I get jealous too. But it’s lovely knowing how much we can rely on just us to sort everything in some ways. Keeps it simple haha

[TheTurn0fTheScrew]

It's all great if willingly given. MIL is frequently at SIL's doing childcare, and I genuinely believe there's nothing she'd rather be doing than hanging out the with grandkids. She's youngish (early 60s), early retired and no parents of her own to look after anymore. SIL use paid childcare for half the week so I don't think it's a pisstake.

However I have met grandparents who feel differently. I was chatting to one at a toddler group who said that she was feeling the pinch financially as she was always shelling out for groups, soft play, lunches and snacks, and her DD seemed oblivious.

And agree, I'm most jealous of @mountainsunsets FIL who does doggy daycare. We don't have a dog due to work commitments, but that kind of dog-share set up would be amazing!

[MrsSkylerWhite]

dirtyasadustpanlid · Today 11:52
My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening“

it’s really not good for a fully grown adult to be so reliant on their parent. How will she cope if you suddenly aren’t available?

[dirtyasadustpanlid]

My children will always come first no matter how old they are so by helping out daily I am helping my daughter. I have my GD 4 days while DD works. Husband out of country at present. I walk my dogs at 6,30 am round to daughters by 7.40 come home at 4 ish, walk dogs again, have tea and back to help out until 9 pm. The days DD doesn’t work I do her ironing and study for an Open University degree and catch up on chores but still help out in the evening

Your daughter sounds very helpless and dependent. She needs you every single day?
Your life just sounds like complete drudgery.