Grandparents helping

[Sparklybutold]

In a nutshell - I have no family to help and my husbands side is pretty lacking, although his mum is trying and will have our daughter roughly once a week for a few hours. I was sat next to a grandma today who spoke at length about how her granddaughter lives at her house during the week as her mum (grandmas daughter) and dad work. She also cares for her daughters horses and has taken in her dog depaite the grandma advising her daughter to not get one owing to her work schedule. I was sat there feeling angry, shocked and slightly envious of how much support this family got in terms of childcare and how lucky this mum was to have such a selfless grandma. I couldn't help but think the daughter was incredibly selfish to expect and accept so much help from her mum. In the same conversation the grandma spoke about how she wished things were different and she would love her own time, but she's committed to her daughter. I just left aghast. I've had to make really hard decisions based on having very little family support so to hear this was incredibly difficult and shocking.

So aibu or not?

I also think a few hours a week is good. I'm a bit envious of the level of support you get

So far we have been refused one night so we could go away for our 10th wedding anniversary, support when dh was ill in hospital for a couple of weeks with a septic infection, I was struggling with working ft and solo parenting a 2 and 4yo (and with no childcare I was unable to visit him), or to have Ds for an hour whilst we took DD to park run. We stopped asking after that.

We've also found that babysitting in areas where there is high gp involvement is hard. Wed offer to swap with friends - you baby sit for us and we'll look after yours next weekend kind of thing - and although we could find friends to look after ours, they never needed/wanted us to baby sit their kids. I then felt uncomfortable asking.

I help my dd by doing childcare for dgs because I love her and wouldn't let her struggle but I'd be lying if I said that it's what I signed up for when I became a Granny. For me a few hours once a week would be the ideal for me so I think what your MIL offers is very generous.
I think though that when Grandparents are over involved it smacks of them not cutting the apron strings for their children and them enjoying that co-dependency. I would think I had done a pretty poor job if dd needed so much support outside childcare whilst she works tbh.

Everyone is different, all families are different.

We don't have children but my FIL provides "doggy daycare" for our dog while we work. He volunteered, refuses to take money and they have a wonderful relationship. We've said multiple times that we'll pay for daycare if he finds it too much/ to give him a break and he was genuinely offended at the idea

Yes, we're incredibly lucky but he also volunteered to help and we never asked or pushed it on him.

@00100001
" I think this a symptom of having kids far later in life tbh"

The area I live in is deprived. The women have babies from eighteen usually into their twenties. Retail, cleaning and carework are the main jobs of the women who live here. The local employers will allow the established staff to leave and come in late by fifteen minutes. So many Mother/Daughter combos are working opposite shifts to manage the children in the family. A lot of men in their sixties also do childcare. My DD works afternoons and evenings. I'm planning on going back to work nights and early mornings in two years. Her children will be eight and ten and we will only need holiday club type provision.

Now I'd be very happy to provide doggy daycare free of charge every day as well. All the joys of a dog without the responsibility or expense sounds great

YABVU to say that you get "zilch" and to imply that your DH's family are "lacking" when yoour MIL offers childcare for a few hours roughly once a week. That is actually quite a lot of airport, and certainly not nothing. How much do you expect?

It's weird because you have reacted angrily with regard to this other woman regarding the level of support that she gets, but equally, you don't seem to feel that the help you get is enough. What do you think would be an acceptable level of grandparent input?

You sound quite entitled to me, tbh. Also, I find it a bit weird to be envious of a situation in which children are barely even living with their parents...I would hate that arrangement and can't imagine that people would put it in place merely for convenience, I would assume that something else is probably going on.

Why not just focus on your own stuff and be grateful that your MIL is kind enough to help out as much as she does. Lots of people get a lot less support than you do.

Our family are great and happy to babysit so we feel lucky but we only take it up once every few months when we have something we need to do. DD goes to school and we work full time so we feel like we hardly see her anyway. So a few hours a week of not being switched on for work or parenting seems like a bit of a luxury! Perhaps the first daughter is unstable and the grandmother says she works full time as a bit of a cover. And what else can grandma really do? Leave the kid? Let the dog bark alone for hours? Report her to animal and child services?

Totally agree.
At one time people wanted to be independent adults now a lot is about getting me time etc.
I always thought having children was being grateful if you got the odd hour off but basically you choose to have a family so regular nights out, weekends only happen with children including weddings and paid childcare is normal any extra is lucky.
We seem to have a generation that often feel they are owed by their parents rather than now we are adults its our turn to be giving back. It's like grandparents have no right to a life and we want them to carry on being the parent until they drop.

What does piss me off is those people (and I've seen some on this thread) who chip in with 'I hardly have any support either, only picking the GC up from a school and giving them dinner once a week and a sleepover every other weekend, it's so hard', who don't seem to be at all grateful for the help they do get

Totally. And the OP is in this category too.

My SIL bangs on about how she only gets 6 weekends away a year without her kids even though she knows that I haven't even had one.

Same here, both sets of grandmothers (granddads not an option unfortunately) weren’t happy to look after our DC as babies and toddlers so we did that bit all on our own. I didn’t go back to work until they were school age. We didn’t go out on our own together for seven years.

Now they’re school age my mum is willing to look after them on her own under very special circumstances but she worries herself silly about it so we’ve only asked her twice.

The school run is about 50/50 split grandparents and parents picking up. DCs friends have regular ‘sleepovers’ and days out with their grandparents, even aunts and uncles, which is just not an option for us.

I think it’s the natural way of things that grandparents are very involved in their children and grandchildren’s lives as they grow old and have more time on their hands. It takes a village and all that. I hope to be a helpful grandparent if I get the chance.

I think those who do help have a very special bond with their grandchildren, keep fit and active for longer and are ‘down with the kids’ which is great mentally! If you’ve got that help, enjoy it but don’t take advantage of it and realise how lucky you are.

A few hours support a week sounds loads to me - it's a few hours support a week more than we got. I think you know that your reaction is based on jealousy. Of course it would be nice to have more support, but instead of berating family for not doing more, appreciate what you've got.

Personally think YABU. Family support is lovely to have, but imo should never be expected. You made the decision to have children, why is it anyone else's responsibility to look after them?
My mum works during the week and my in laws aren't in the best of health, so while they do have the children occasionally for us, we work our work out between ourselves to ensure that one of us is always home with them (2&1y/o) and if we ever ask for help and they say no, for whatever reason, we would NEVER be annoyed by it because it's not their responsibility to drop everything for us.

The only time I ever felt jealous was when I heard "His mum with have her on Mondays, my mum will have her on Tuesdays, she'll be at nursery Wednesdays and Thursdays and I won't work Fridays." We had no family support simply because we had no family nearby. Or grandparents able to visit and child care.

It's okay to be envious of what other people have for a bit. But comparison is the thief of joy. You have to start counting blessings and turn your attention to what you have got, or you'll be eaten alive by bad feelings.

I think it's natural to feel envious when other people's set up sound better than yours but all families are different, all grandparents have different preferences in terms of how involved they want to be with childcare and that's ok. I don't think grandparents help should be taken as a given. My mum has my daughter two evenings a week, one is overnight and the other she comes home after tea. This is her choice. My grandmother used to look after me 5 days a week before I started school and in holidays. I don't think there was a lot of choice, my mother had to work, she was a single mum and would have struggled with childcare costs. I don't think my grandma minded but some would prefer not to start this role again in their retirement or indeed aren't yet retired themselves.

Most grandparents are working themselves nowadays and are expected by their children to give up any time they are not at work yet the parent moans about exhaustion and no time to themselves why isn't granny helping....they forget exhaustion is worse at 60 that painful joints etc are worse and most 60 year olds have health issues.
Grandchildren are a lovely special bond but we should be grateful that the child still has grandparents not moan they don't do free childcare. My children lost all 4 of their grandchildren in 6 months my daughter was 2 my son 5 all appeared fit and well just a year before.
Get a grip and adult

Wow… comparison really IS the thief of joy. I would have loved a one day a week granny to look after my kid.

Why do people so desperately want their parents to look after their children? I've never understood it. Spend time together and have a good relationship yes, but this aching desire to palm your children off on your parents for great swathes of time absolutely baffles me.

Having your daughter weekly isn't just "trying". That's a huge amount of help.

@jannier not sure why you’re quoting me, you make a good point but hope you’re not telling me to get a grip and adult. If you read my post I get very little help, don’t expect it but think it would be nice if grandparents wanted to and people who have that are lucky. Both my mum and MIL are retired, have a few hobbies but mostly complain that they are bored and lonely while my life is hectic and I’d love the occasional break.

I think a few hours once a week is fine 🤷‍♀️

I think you're being unfair on your MIL, her having your DC a few hours a week is a great help.

I feel sorry for the grandma in your description - I am mid 60s and some of my friends are GPs and they nearly all say they feel taken advantage of by their adult DC and their demands and expectations around childcare. I think they are being too passive in not laying down boundaries but some of them seem scared of saying 'no' as they are threatened with not seeing their DGC or not being 'perfect' GPs. Many of my friends who are grandparents are still working, have elderly parents themselves, volunteering commitments, hobbies and interests etc but are expected to drop everything to be available for their grandchildren.

You are v.vfortunate to get what you do.

Both my parents passed away before my DS17 was born and DH's parents who are alive and well have not even had him once for 10 mins in all those years.

DS is severely disabled and as his full time carer, I would kill for what you get OP.

I think what it triggers in me is the fact I have zilch on my side.

Frankly? when i hear this and similar i just roll my eyes. Part of being an adult is making adult decisions and choices. You have children and you have to work out how to handle childcare. And backup childcare. Nobody is obliged to help you out, they can if they want and they can cease at any time.

Harsh? yes. sorry.
What you need to do as a parent with little support, is to try to let the feelings of jealousy (because that's what it is) and regret go, and do what you can to mitigate it. It's hard we live in a different country to the entirety of our families, it was very very hard at the beginning. Hard and expensive. I get it. But you really have to try to be glass-half-full and i-can-do-it about this. Otherwise you just feel as though you want to get off the planet.

It all depends on attitudes, I am 60 (this year), I have one grandchild, I adore him! I have done quite a lot of 'looking after him' over the years because I was lucky enough to be in a position where I was able to and because I was happy to do so. I don't refer to it as 'childcare' because i am his Nana, not a nursery worker, teacher etc - my daughter has been able to work and we are very happy to have him if her and sil want to go out, provided me and DH have got a free diary!

I love my little fella beyond words, we have such a lovely relationship, we have fun, we laugh so much, we get into mischief, its wonderful and I feel very much that some grandparents are just not aware of what they are missing out on by not having much to do with dgc.

HOWEVER, I'm no doormat, I have my own life to live and enjoy, my own social life and my marriage is very important to me so I take care to have time with Dh.

That said, it is not compulsary that gps do what I do and parents should not simply expect them to.