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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted by friends salary?

514 replies

Emeraldi · 04/10/2022 15:20

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 04/10/2022 16:09

She hasn't done anything wrong and there isn't really anything to discuss. Just stop treating her as much especially if it's not reciprocated.

RequiemForAcat · 04/10/2022 16:09

fairycakes1234 · 04/10/2022 16:05

@ncncncnc123
shes using her as she just said, letting her buy drinks, dog sitting, she is a tight arse so stop defending someone , id be horrified too. I hate meaness, most people do.

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t you let your friend buy you a drink just because you earn well?

Why wouldn’t you ask your friend to look after your dog whilst you were on holiday? It’s better for the animal than kennels and good friends do that for each other either for free or cheap.

ladydimitrescu · 04/10/2022 16:09

If she's not asking for handouts and you're offering to buy a round, she's done nothing wrong - you assumed you're better than her because of your uni education, you're wrong. She's done better for herself and you've learned a valuable lesson about assuming you're above everyone else.

fairycakes1234 · 04/10/2022 16:09

VatofTea · 04/10/2022 15:29

You agreed a doggy sitting rate with her, no need to be bitter now you think she could afford to pay you more.

You are way out of order - and I doubt you have been treating her for drinks or meals, more than she has you, I'm sure there have been rounds that got messy as people got more drunk. I doubt your friend was purposefully draining you financially. The snooping is way out of line, followed by the resentment.

@VatofTea mumsnet makes me laugh, you doubt shes being buying drinks for her???Why would you doubt it, why cant you assume OP Is telling the truth, rather than thinking shes lying, says a lot about you tbh

Blueberrywitch · 04/10/2022 16:09

This must be a troll post! We are on good salaries and our friends dog sit for FREE as a favour, we buy them wine as a thank you. Buying rounds also normal and not related to salary between friends. You also don’t know about her debt or mortgage etc - she could actually have the same amount of “disposable” income as you at the end of the day, so have very similar visible spending habits.

Bit weird of her to have house heating rules but maybe she is also panicked about the rising costs so said those as a reminder incase you forgot about her heating system…

I don’t think this is real though.

Bananasweetlady · 04/10/2022 16:09

Yeah all these women on mumsnet who earn six figures! The top earning 1% in the country . It's amazing. And they all end up on mumsnet,by chance.Yeah sure OP, crack on with the pal. Charge her double next time .😉

AlviesMam · 04/10/2022 16:10

I would always ask my friends or family to dog sit before asking a kennels she might wanted someone she knows to look after her dog rather than it being about the money?
A few rounds and taking her dinner isn't exactly screwing you over. You only know her wage not her outgoings. I've learnt not to assume.

outtheshowernow · 04/10/2022 16:10

Disgusted ? Why

Mfsf · 04/10/2022 16:10

I do t see why this is anything to do with you ? I just does this have to change anything between you ? Are you sure you are her friend ? Because of my friends had no money issues I would be happy and what they earn would not make me think any different of them ?
are you jealous qnd bitter maybe ?

BrokenWing · 04/10/2022 16:10

I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package.

What "something else" were you looking for? Her medical records? 🤣

When(if) you "stumbled" 🙄 across it you shouldn't have read it.

slashlover · 04/10/2022 16:10

shes using her as she just said, letting her buy drinks, dog sitting, she is a tight arse so stop defending someone , id be horrified too. I hate meaness, most people do.

Given that some of OPs examples of 'meanness' are expecting a mate to dogsit for money (instead of free like most mates do) or turning things off at the mains after use, I'm not sure how much of a tight arse her mate actually is.

Blueberrywitch · 04/10/2022 16:11

Also maybe she has made the same assumptions about income and actually thinks you earn the same as her and hence doesn’t realise you might need the extra money or more rounds bought.

Lampzade · 04/10/2022 16:11

You are jealous and bitter.

The end

NCFT0922 · 04/10/2022 16:11

@Emeraldi due to her lack of university education it seemed reasonable to assume she earned less. What a load of shit. You don’t seem well educated at all OP. All that my friends who went to uni have different to me is less money for house deposit, more years workint before they can afford children and a shit load of debt.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/10/2022 16:12

I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else,
Oh yeah? What was this conveniently un-named "something else" then?

Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two
Why did you 'naturally' think this? Do you believe your university education automatically confers a right to out-earn people you call friends?

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels
How is it clear?
It wasn't "clear" before you went snooping was it? You've just arbitrarily decided on that now, because your nose is out of joint that someone you felt comfortably superior to has surprised you by easily out-earning you.

When I do my mates pet-sitting favours, I don't need to check their income in order to decide if they're using me. Because their salary has precisely zero impact on the quality of their friendship, their pets' needs, or reciprocal favour-giving.

Stop with the sour grapes - unless you're prepared to lose a previously good friend over them.

SunshineAndFizz · 04/10/2022 16:12

Karma sometimes has a way of evening things out.

You made a silly assumption about her and you've paid the price.

Sounds about fair to me.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2022 16:12

Wow. I am literally lost for words. 😂

DameHelena · 04/10/2022 16:13

YABU. You're arrogant ('Naturally I thought I was the higher earner') and a snob ('due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.').

Wind your neck in, have the decency to stop judging her, and get a life; why the fuck does it matter what others earn, what they spend it on and how they behave about the lighting and heating?

RagingWoke · 04/10/2022 16:13

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

My gosh, have you reminded her she's an uneducated fool and directed her to the appropriate gutter?

It says more about you, go ahead and bill her because she's better off without a judgemental snob as a 'friend'.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/10/2022 16:13

Why do you believe she should be earning less than you because you went to university, it’s honestly a ridiculous attitude!

All you’ve done here is went on assumptions you’ve concluded and nothing to do do with your friend, she doesn’t have to tell you what her financial situation is and you’ve offered to buy her drinks/ offer cheaper services…. You’ve done that and she’s paid the price you’ve asked for.

your behaviour and attitude is frankly unacceptable. YABU.

Hanleys · 04/10/2022 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kinneddar · 04/10/2022 16:13

Hell mend you for snooping. Not sure what you plan on 'approaching' Shes done nothing wrong.

If you mention anything about money its going to be very clear you've been nosing around

She earns more. Big deal. She hasn't lied about her income you're the one that's made assumptions

bostonchamps · 04/10/2022 16:13

@Emeraldi this is one of the most spiteful, bitter posts I have ever read. 'Get my money back' wtf - are you planning on sending her an invoice for all the drinks you've picked up?

Although I sincerely doubt the OP will be back now anyway.

fairycakes1234 · 04/10/2022 16:14

Riverlee · 04/10/2022 15:45

I’m guessing she plays the ‘I’ve got no money’ card, and so you have supported her, buying drinks etc, and now you discover she’s wealthy. Maybe she started off needing the help and got into the habit of being the receiver of gifts. Or she’s a cf taking advantage of your generosity.

I can understand how you feel a bit used if this is the case.

at last someone seeing it from OP point of view, i would be disgusted too if someone is pretending not to have money, and then finding out they do, its just downright mean behavior, but of course mumsnet will never go with the OP, that's just the way it is on this site. Always say the opposite and make sure and insult her while you're at it...

user29 · 04/10/2022 16:14

I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else
Sure you did!