To be disgusted by friends salary?

[Emeraldi]

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

She’s probably careful. Been careful her whole life. But perhaps they’re learned behaviours and she doesn’t know how.

you can’t treat her differently because she earns more than you thought she did. You’re being judgmental and from the sounds of it that judgment comes from your shadow self!

maybe don’t be so generous with your time or money but maybe look deep down as to where this anger is coming from. It’s your own insecurity and nothing to do with her.

People like you piss me off. People like you change their attitudes to others based on their money. It. Shouldn't. Matter.

I live in a bigger house than some of my mates. Have more expendable cash.

But my mates still offer to buy me drinks/do favours etc. As do I for them.

What job does she do?

Did you not realise she earned a good wage from knowing what she does?

How much does she earn compared to you?

As PPs have said as she’s your friend many people would do things for cheap/free out of friendship.

However, it sounds like you believe she has misled you and maybe intentionally played poor to use you.

I would not mention anything but in future not be so willing to help out if it’s going to impact you.

I do know of someone who is financially secure but will play poor and try and get as many freebies as they can, borrow money off people without paying it back or refuse to pay for their food at restaurants for some made up reason.

Must be awful to accidentally open someone's drawer, accidentally open a payslip that wasn't addressed to you, accidentally read it and accidentally discover something that's absolutely none of your business. And all after she didn't even have the decency to go to university. I really feel for you.

The only thing you can/should do is set boundaries for what you're comfortable doing or paying for in future interactions with her. If she's paying you to dog-sit, ask for more next time, but you have to let past gifts and favours go; you can't ask her to give you more money for past "services" or to pay you back anything that wasn't originally a loan.

If you can't get over the disparity in your pay or you feel differently about her now, that's your business, and you can distance yourself from her.

But she isn't doing that the OP herself said

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me

The OP has decided that her uneducated friend must be hard up and has treated her like a poor relation to make herself feel superior.

Also fair to assume that if you don't know how much she earns, she doesn't know how much you earn either. So she's no reason to think you earn less than her and maybe accepts your drinks rounds and cheap dog sitting on similar assumptions to yours?

This is really unpleasant. It comes across like you have always looked down on your friend and are shocked to discover that you aren’t better than her after all.

I have friends who make 6 figures and friends who don’t make enough to pay income tax. I’d do a favour for any of them or buy them a drink because they are my friends.

I admit I was wrong to read the letter and I really wish I didn’t
I think you're only regretting reading the letter because you've found out she's a high earner, if the letter had said she earns minimum wage I don't think you'd be so bothered.

I have friends that earn well into 6 figures. I would still do them favours, why wouldn’t you for friends? And they are careful with their money, just because you earn a lot doesn’t mean you have to be wasteful. YABU

@Smilelesstalkmore youre right it is patronising , but isnt that exactly what the OP friend did? Let her buy her drinks all the time??

Ah fuck it, it's good you read the letter, now you can stop subsidising her!

No more mates rates and free coffee!

Wow, the jealousy is strong with this one.

You are jealous i dont know why you're pretending you're not. Buying her a drink, helping her decorate and watching her dog is something that friends do for each other and you're kidding yourself if you think that was 'helping her out'. You liked thinking you were better than her in your education and your salary and now you've had a reality check and learnt her salary is bigger than yours you're angry. Get over yourself. You're being a crap friend! If you don't want to watch her dog then don't but stop pretending you're a good friend because you're acting like a childish jerk just because she has more money than you. So what if she has house rules, if you can't respect those then you don't respect her and by the sounds of it you never did. She doesn't owe you a thing.

But she isn't doing that the OP herself said
She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me
The OP has decided that her uneducated friend must be hard up and has treated her like a poor relation to make herself feel superior.
@Chikapu - yes and the OP friend was happy to let her assume and buy her drinks wasnt she???

You honestly sound bonkers.

You were snooping which is out of order-- you can't accidentally read a document in someone else's house tucked away.

Just because someone makes a good wage doesn't mean they can't also be frugal / sensible out of necessity (you don't have her full financial picture) or desire.

Good friends buy rounds and do each other favours. She hasn't taken advantage of you and of course has no idea how much you make presumably.

To be disgusted by how much a friend earns makes you sound bitter and jealous.

"whilst her and her partner are away on holiday" That university degree was a waste of time wasn't it? It's SHE!

So she hasn't ever SAID she's got no money, you just assumed it. (But you're still charging her for the 'cheap" dog-sitting?)

It might have been mean to leave a note about turning off appliances if this post was from last year, but have people not seen energy prices? I think it's fairly reasonable these days to ask people to keep an eye on what they're using!

It's not her fault. And am assuming she has no idea what you earn either, so it's possible she has also assumed you earn more, especially as you have been generous. Stop blaming your friend and think about how you can increase your own earnings, if that's what you want. Maybe you feel cross with yourself because theoretically you should be earning more than you are. However, now you know, you can reign in your generosity if that's what you feel is appropriate - but it has come from your own wrong assumptions rather than having been deliberately misled.

My friends, wealthy or not, have always offered up their house for dog sitting. It's nicer for the dog <misses point of thread>

WTF 😳

I do so hope the dog-owner friend reads Mumsnet.

Same. Hope it gets picked up by the DM and friend realises what OP actually is - jealous nosy snob.

It sounds like this friendship is over. You have no idea whether she actually accepted that job offer or what her other financial commitments might be - she could be supporting other family members, paying off other debts, or goodness knows what. Every interaction with her in future is going to be tainted by this knowledge because it is bothering you so much. Suggest you bow out of the friendship before it inevitably sours.

YANBU if your friend has let you pay more than your share when she is a much higher earner.
Did you offer to help with things like decorating or did she ask? Does she help you with those things too?

I wouldn't feel bad for reading the letter. You now know and can change your behaviour if you want to. Tbf she probably doesn't know your salary and thinks you earn more than her.