To be disgusted by friends salary?

[Emeraldi]

I’ve spent the past week staying at a good friends dog-sitting whilst her and her partner are away on holiday. I mistakenly stumbled across an offer letter for her current job in a drawer whilst I was looking for something else, which set out her salary package. I wish I hadn’t, as I was absolutely shocked to see that she is earning very close to 6 figures and I can’t get it off my mind.

I had no idea she was earning a salary like this, we are both just under 30, she never went to uni whereas I did and I’m not even earning half of her salary and up to my eyeballs in student debt. Naturally I thought I was the higher earner of the two and have always been generous to help her out, such as cheap dog sitting when she’s away, buying her a drink when we’ve gone out etc.

She’s always been very money conscious so I had no reason to believe otherwise. This time she’s even left me a list of “house rules” during my stay about turning off all electrical items at the mains after use and keeping the heating at a set level to reduce heating costs.

It’s clear that she’s been using me to dog sit as she is no doubt paying me far less than she would pay for boarding at a kennels and I think of all the other times I’ve let her off financially for things in the past, like rounds of drinks or when I’ve brought dinner round. AIBU to feel used and to want to get my money back? Not sure how best to approach this. TIA

You didn't have to do any of these things for her. Friends do these things all the time without expecting payment for them.

You really are jealous but you're not admitting it which makes it worse.

I suppose the next thing is this will get in DM or you'll have this thread requested to be taken down due to privacy issues/being identified.

If I knew a friend of mine had snooped in my personal drawers for documents I'd be appalled and would probably cut off or limit contact with that friend.

Hmm. Part of the problem seems to be that you didn’t offer to help her because you are her friend. You offered to help her because you felt you were patronising someone worse off and it made you feel good. You’re cross that smugness has been snatched away.

But you chose to do those things, based on nothing but your own rather random assumptions. (I mean, what does she do for a living where you thought it likely she earned just a fraction of what she actually does?!) It was nice of you. But she didn't ask you to, she didn't lie to you, so I can't see what she's done wrong.

I mean, not to blow my own trumpet but DH and I cleared our neighbours garden over weekends because she couldn’t. She is rich, an author. I didn’t ask for or take payment offered. She made a donation as it turned out, to an animal rescue in our name because she knew we would like it. But that was only after. Come Lockdown and we were already sick inside with covid and running low on food and no ibuprofen! She got our neighbours to drop off food and medicine to all of us and I never even spoke to any of them before. It’s called community. Humanity. I don’t know but it’s not that unusual!

Don’t blame your friend for being a success without a degree. Blame yourself for earning a shitty salary despite having one 🤷🏻‍♀️ that must burn.

DH and I are big earners yet we don’t have degrees. We’ve have had to work extra hard to prove ourselves in our chosen fields. We are v proud of what we have achieved. Try and be proud of your friend; instead of being jealous, use her success as inspiration.

You have made a whole lot of assumptions and judgements and are blaming your friend for your thinking.

You are still making judgements about her frugalness. You can still be frugal and not wasteful, while having a decent income. Nothing wrong with it at all in fact, I would think that it is a better attitude than throwing your money away just because you can. Much less respectful to people who don't have money if those that do treat it as if it's nothing.

She likely thought you were offering to help her as you were a good friend. Wasn't aware that friends only help you out if you are poor!?!

I'll tell my neighbours that next time they want us to look after their cat for them. I'll ask to look at their pay checks first.

Is this about the balance of power which you assumed was in your favor until learning she earns more?

It seems sad to offer things to friends only on the assumption that they have less money than you do.

How unpleasant.

So, you assumed that she needed a helping hand based on the fact she didn’t go to university so in your mind is clearly beneath you.

Newsflash. University is overrated. Most people who go to university end up in dead end jobs with average salaries, unless you have a vocational degree then most people come out with more debt than they can ever possibly be able to afford to repay.

If you don’t feel you earn enough go and get a better job.

But snooping through her drawers, and no, you don’t accidentally come across and read someone’s personal mail, you have to go looking for it, and then being angry because she hasn’t been subbing you all along and has dared to accept when you bought a round of drinks makes you look like an unpleasant snob.

Emaraldi
Talk about education snobbery 😳I’m pleased that you saw 😉how much she earns.
My step daughter and Son in law both earn that money and more !!!
Neither went to university so they aren’t hobbled with that debt, as you are 😊

What?

My husband doesn't have a university education and he earns more than you. My dad doesn't, and he earns more than you. My mum does and she doesn't earn anything like the amount my husband and dad do.

You need to get your head out of the higher education asshole and look around a bit. Going to university gives you debt. Not going to university and working your ass off to progress in a field is often the more lucrative choice. And I'm currently studying for a degree, and I know it's not going to make me rich

Going against the grain here. You don’t sound jealous to me, OP. More like you you feel used that you’ve been subbing her for years trying to be generous and now feel she has taken advantage of your kindness.

I have a good salary and I am mindful to sub my friends who I know are not as fortunate as me. I don’t want them so feel under pressure if we are on a night /day out (and I know I have more disposable income). If would feel hurt that they accepted my generosity over the years if I found out my assumptions re our unequal earnings were wrong.

So you only helped her out of pity because of your sense of superiority? Nice. You aren't a friend.

You are jealous not disgusted. She would be disgusted in you if she found out you had been snooping.

The way you've put it is as if she's never subbed you but you've been subbing her loads, that's why I put the reply I did.

Is that not the case? Has she back and forthed with you like friends do and bought rounds here and there? Like I will take my friend for lunch and expect nothing back, but she will one day take me for lunch and expect nothing back. There's no tally of whose turn it is, it's about who has money to spare at the time.

My partner (mid-thirties) earns six figures and has had a high salary ever since leaving university. While our academic background is similar I don’t envision that I’ll equal his salary anytime soon. But that doesn’t bother me. Instead of holding resentment, be happy for your friend. It doesn’t sound like she’s taken advantage of you at all. It appears, from what you’ve said, that your ego has been slightly bruised – that’s all. But there is nothing wrong with upping your rates if you feel it’s justified.
P.s. Although we are a high-income household I'm always turning off lights and appliances when they're not is use. Why opt to waste energy - and money?

YANBU to feel a little taken advantage of but if you are honest with yourself I think your pride is wounded because the balance of wealth in your relationship is not what you thought it was. You need to consider why it made you feel so good to bestow your benevolence upon her. You don't need to be Lady Bountiful to keep a friend.

I don't get this either.

I have postgraduate degrees as does my partner but we're poor as church mice compared to a few friends that left school after A levels , some started their own business, another one does really well working for a property company, another one works in music production, all earn a huge amount.

I've never assumed people who don't have a degree earn less, thats just doesn't add up.

A big chunk of the richest people in the world have no university degree -Richard Branson, Alan Sugar , the Barclay brothers, Ralph Lauren, Jay Z, all loaded.

Oprah Winfrey dropped out of college, and of course the biggie Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Uni to follow their careers. Elon Musk dropped out of his PhD, everyone of them a billionaire.

But maybe it’s a good thing, in that you don’t give her freebies anymore.

Despite her wage, maybe she assumed you earn more than her because of your degree!

It really isn't reasonable at all...

yet still - you chose to do these things.

You're the one coming off badly here by making assumptions.

You cant be mad at her because you offered things based on a wrong assumption.

It sounds like you want others to think well of you for helping out the downtrodden, and now that shes better off than you - youre embarrassed.

She hasn’t said she doesn’t have money, but due to her behaviour and lack of university education it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume she was worse off than me.

Her behaviour?! 🤣

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate perhaps the wording of my post could have been better. To clarify I’m not at all jealous.
You are. You just won't admit it. If you aren't jealous then why is it bothering you so much? Why have you got a thread title saying you are disgusted by her salary?

My wonky issue comes from the fact I’ve done an awful lot for her, due to the fact I believed she could use a helping hand e.g. dog sitting for a small fee, helping with decorating etc. If I’d have known she had the means to fund these things, I wouldn’t have offered my time.
You offered though; she didn't ask you, did she? So she's only deserving of your help if she's poorer than you?

I admit I was wrong to read the letter and I really wish I didn’t
You wish you hadn't because it's bothering the hell out of you that she's not the poor relation in your friendship. You were looking for something else - clearly not a letter concerning her new employment. And you read it, despite the fact that you knew you shouldn't and it's none of your business, because you are nosy and judgemental.

And now it's backfired because you thought you were playing Lady Bountiful by helping her out, and feeling big about how charitable you were being, safe in the knowledge that your degree made you better than her.

I sincerely hope she finds a better friend than you.

Sorry OP but more fool you for snooping. It sounds like your friendship had a very strange dynamic even before all this.