Have people forgotten "Be Kind"

[Steppymum]

I only joined mumsnet recently. I've been a stepmum for around 2 years so relatively new to the role. I thought joining mumsnet would be good for getting advice and tips as well as venting about some of the stresses of parenting amd everyday life.

I've started 2 threads about 2 separate topics and commented on others posts. Of course eveyone is entitled to their opinions and it's always good to get another perspective. But within a week I've been called a cunt, an arsehole, told I don't deserve friends, I'm too involved with my DSD, my DSDs care is non of my business, I sounds like an nightmare etc. etc.

Of course there have been some positive comments as well but it's the negative ones that always stick. If people think I'm being unreasonable I'm happy to hear their reason but I think calling a stranger a cunt etc is unnecessary. People seem to read part of the post, miss out a chunk, make assumptions and twist every word you say. And it seems as a stepmum I'm already public enemy number one. 🤣

How have other people found the site? Am I just being too soft? Is it worth sticking around?

Is this in AIBU? Can be very mean here. Could you post in Chat or Parenting?

Nobody deserves to be called names and you are certainly not too soft. I have huge respect for stepmums myself ( I am not one).

I certainly hope the “Be Kind” nonsense has died a death.

I think you might be looking for flouncer’s corner?

Which threads?

If you’re going to start a thread then not everyone is going to agree with you op

There isn't much excuse for abuse.

Being forthright is a different matter. Problem is that much of the more valuable advice comes from people being brutally honest, but a lot of people don't like that very much.

"you're wonderful" and "love and hugs" doesn't really cut it when some practical advice is really needed to rearrange finances etc.

I imagine the internet forums as a bit like pubs. They'll be some people at the bar, very welcoming with chit chat. Others sitting quietly around tables talking to each other. And some crazies sitting on their own ranting at their pint glasses. You wouldn't talk to the crazy yelling at the pint glass in the pub, so best not to bother here. The problem is in the pub it is obvious who the crazy are. In a forum it's a lot more difficult to tell.

If someone’s attacking you report the post to MNHQ and they’ll take it down if it breaks guidelines. This is the only thread under your current username so no one can see evidence of what you’re saying.

Be Kind is a load of bollocks quoting a domestic abuser. It’s brainless and used to shut down discussion and silence women.

If MN isn’t for you there are other forums you may prefer.

There's no Be Kind in AIBU unfortunately.

Be Kind is a load of bollocks quoting a domestic abuser. It’s brainless and used to shut down discussion and silence women..

This is it.

Sorry OP, sadly people that are faceless feel bold and say things they wouldn't say in real life.
It speaks more about them than you.

People lack skills to critique and provide advice/opinions without resorting to name calling.

I don't much agree with " Be Kind" myself. It's too treacly for me. But have found immense support in Chat and Parenting forums. Lots of very supportive people here.

Mumsnet is absolutely vicious to stepmothers. You’d get a better reception stating that you skinned a litter of puppies alive as admit to being a SM on here. And, no, I’m not a SM, so have no skin in the game, but I’ve definitely observed that on here.

As for “be kind”, YABU. I think we all know by now that the “be kind” chanters are by and large narcissistic bullies who simply want to shut other people up.

Be Kind is a load of bollocks quoting a domestic abuser. It’s brainless and used to shut down discussion and silence women.

That sums it up. I hope people do stop with the 'be kind' crap

Same. Nobody forgets to be kind. Its a choice and kindness is often subjective when used in the context of a hashitag.
Hopefully people will forget #bekind and leave it #behind

I often wonder what happens to the people who don't use social media and never got these ranty posts screeching at them 'whatever happened to #bekind' ?
Do they just blindly flail around their lives being unkind forever ?

"Be Kind" was a social media trend that people who aren't kind use in order to manipulate people with boundaries.

It's the internet. Some people take the opportunity of an anonymous forum to be deeply unpleasant in a way that would get them a poke on the nose in real life. Negative comments can be constructive in the right spirit, but just being rude isn't clever or helpful and says a lot more about them than it does about you. I work in a public facing role that attracts some abuse and I just shrug and think "that's all you've got". But at least I'm not a stepmother...!

Basically, arseholes, like the poor (a proportion of whom may also be arseholes), are always with us. Biblical quotation there.

Report every abusive comment. The issue is that people don’t.

It's overused by the same people who use Karen as an insult and call people snowflakes

I'm with you OP! I was on Mumsnet for ages (with a different account) and after starting what I thought was a light-hearted thread,was gutted at the nasty, abusive comments. It was like a game to see who could be the most cruel or sarcastic. I ended up deleting my account and staying away till I dared to tiptoe back in.

When you do start a thread, you have to read it back to yourself SO many times as you can be absolutely sure there'll be someone who is looking to find fault with what you've said so they can use that as leverage to say something abusive.

I'm 100% up for being disagreed with but there's no reason for name calling. The people that do that are usually happily hiding behind their keyboards.

Ha, as usual, by the time I've typed out my screed someone else has already said it in far fewer words!

I'm not expecting them too like I explained. But should I just expect to be called names from total strangers?

I never post here about being a step mum after being bitten a few times. The mums of MN absolutely hate step mums. Nothing you do will ever be right for them. I stick to other topics now.

YABU. “Be kind” is used to silence women and we shouldn’t have to pussyfoot around everything and say it in “nice” ways just because you’re oversensitive.

People can be very abrasive on this website. It doesn't even need to be explicitly abusive to be harsh.

Go to the threads where someone has called you an arsehole and report them to MN (there is a link by every comment). You will be able to get the comments deleted if they are personal attacks, which calling someone a cunt etc is. However, if the poster has been cleverer and said "I think that kind of behaviour is cunty" instead of "you are a cunt" then it might not get deleted. But you can always try - report anything you think is nasty or not in the sprit of the website.

Step-parenting is going to be a very difficult issue anyway. Where there is a step parent, there is almost always a broken marriage/serious relationship in the background, whether that is the man or the woman. Parenting a child with 2 parents is hard enough. Add in a step parent or two and the situation is even more complicated.

I changed my username as I didn't really want everyone traipsing though every post I've made.

I don't really think it's relevant. I certainly haven't posted anything that merited abuse.