Have people forgotten "Be Kind"

[Steppymum]

I only joined mumsnet recently. I've been a stepmum for around 2 years so relatively new to the role. I thought joining mumsnet would be good for getting advice and tips as well as venting about some of the stresses of parenting amd everyday life.

I've started 2 threads about 2 separate topics and commented on others posts. Of course eveyone is entitled to their opinions and it's always good to get another perspective. But within a week I've been called a cunt, an arsehole, told I don't deserve friends, I'm too involved with my DSD, my DSDs care is non of my business, I sounds like an nightmare etc. etc.

Of course there have been some positive comments as well but it's the negative ones that always stick. If people think I'm being unreasonable I'm happy to hear their reason but I think calling a stranger a cunt etc is unnecessary. People seem to read part of the post, miss out a chunk, make assumptions and twist every word you say. And it seems as a stepmum I'm already public enemy number one. 🤣

How have other people found the site? Am I just being too soft? Is it worth sticking around?

But you ignored the advice anyway

@Doingprettywellthanks I took plenty of advice, as the majority of the posters advised me to do as I did. I sought out therapy with my DH and together we made a decision. Mumsnet doesn't get to make the final call on posters' lives, and just because some pieces of advice were considered and not followed doesn't mean that asking for advice in the first place was wrong.

But surely you can see your situation was one that posters would have very strong views about.

@Doingprettywellthanks It doesn't matter if it could have strong views. What matters is that it is wrong to name-call, make accusations, and bully posters.

If it’s about being a step mum - then there are some amazing posters here who are also step mums.

There are also a LOT of non step mums, who are on the step parenting board, who post a lot and who have done for years. They have an Ex who married again and they have a lot of baggage about this generally.

In AIBU they are generally anti step mum.

On step parenting - if you want some good support and advice - go on the step parent board. Post something fairly thoughtfully - a specific issue and follow these golden rules

• make explicit you are not the ‘other woman’
• leave the mother out of it unless she’s the problem (then tread carefully)
• if posting about difficult step children - be prepared for the ‘but you took this all on’ and be careful to name the problem - not blame the children for the problem - problem not people
• expect to be told that you have to ‘be a mum’ and also ‘how dare you try and replace the mum’ and ‘treat them like your own’ but also ‘how dare you feel like they are your own’

Then do not respond to any horrible posts - but wait until some posters show up who have actually been in your position.

Alternatively join a similar post to yours which is active and has some good advice and then add some of your experience.

OP you must remember that any views expressed on AIBU are not necessarily those of the people posting them.

Gosh! Ive never been
Called those names

What did you say to provoke people?

Well not really

It's used primarily by women to put other women in their place

You're not wrong, OP. I usually only stick to Chat whenever I create threads and find the vibe there to be a lot more normal and nicer.

I once used AIBU for a very sensitive and traumatic topic that I needed advice on immediately. The thread was literally about the most traumatic thing I've been through, going on at that exact moment and I was scared for my safety - I still got pointless insults designed to kick me when I was down. I've never posted there since! (I don't think...)

Chat and Style & Beauty are the boards that I prefer, I feel you get sound advice, people are understanding and you don't get any of the dramatics that you get on AIBU, so stick with those and you'll be fine :)

The fact that people are focusing on me using the phrase "be kind" rather than the actual point I was trying to make kind of proves my point. Your title is Have people forgotten "Be Kind".

I'd say you need to be crystal clear with your language and tone on here because comprehension skills vary hugely. Before you know it there are 200 posts commenting on some minor detail. And some deliberately miss the point.

I really like the straight talking. I was once called a dick. I reflected, decided I wasn't and moved on with my life.

AIBU is full of keyboard warriors who have had a bad day, been on the wine, so let loose on strangers on the internet.

If you have a specific issue, then post on the appropriate board. You are far more likely to get a more rational and helpful response.

Half the trouble on this board is OPs asking if they are BU, then getting shitty for being told they actually are.

You regard name calling as “irresponsible” and “bad mother”

on the basis of some of the threads I see statues involving moving new partners in to their childrens homes when he doesn’t work and children doesn’t like - for example - is very fair and not “bullying” but a statement of fact

If you ask if yabu and you are, you're going to be told. And when you then whine and cry about bullies and mean girls, you are going to get your arse handed to you.
Generally, if you get told you're being a dick its because you are. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask.

I've just seen an OP claim that anyone who answered negatively (at all!) is being "totally uncalled for". In an aibu where the OP was in fact BU. What on earth did she think was going to happen, 100% affirmation?

1. Find a supportive forum that doesn't have so many posters that love to stick the boot in when someone is down.

I remember one post from a stepmum with severe post natal depression and suicidal thoughts who's partner was shit and the way some posters laid into her was fucking disgusting.

I would never recommend this forum for a step parent or support just because of the vocal nasty people. Some people don't have the strength or resilience to sort through that kind of crap to get to the helpful posts.

This 100%. You can almost guarantee that when a poster comes on whining about people being mean to her, it simply means that she has been called out on her shitty behaviour, and she doesn’t like it!!
Such as has been the case here!

Find a supportive forum that doesn't have so many posters that love to stick the boot in when someone is down.

Yes, thinking about whether MN is the best forum is a good idea. For safely venting feelings about step-parenting, a closed forum for step-mums only is probably better. On MN anyone can read and post, including people who have been on the other side of whatever you are venting about.

I remember one post from a stepmum with severe post natal depression and suicidal thoughts who's partner was shit and the way some posters laid into her was fucking disgusting.

I don't know what kind of forum is best for someone who is as vulnerable as that. Maybe focussing on "partner is shit" and going to MN Relationships, or on the PND and suicidal thoughts and going to one of the MN mental health boards, would be better than the step-parenting board.

If a poster picks a board that's really about a side issue then people do home in on the side issue and miss the rest of the picture, and they don't always realise how vulnerable someone else may be.