Have people forgotten "Be Kind"

[Steppymum]

I only joined mumsnet recently. I've been a stepmum for around 2 years so relatively new to the role. I thought joining mumsnet would be good for getting advice and tips as well as venting about some of the stresses of parenting amd everyday life.

I've started 2 threads about 2 separate topics and commented on others posts. Of course eveyone is entitled to their opinions and it's always good to get another perspective. But within a week I've been called a cunt, an arsehole, told I don't deserve friends, I'm too involved with my DSD, my DSDs care is non of my business, I sounds like an nightmare etc. etc.

Of course there have been some positive comments as well but it's the negative ones that always stick. If people think I'm being unreasonable I'm happy to hear their reason but I think calling a stranger a cunt etc is unnecessary. People seem to read part of the post, miss out a chunk, make assumptions and twist every word you say. And it seems as a stepmum I'm already public enemy number one. 🤣

How have other people found the site? Am I just being too soft? Is it worth sticking around?

[LikeAStar1994]

You'll probably get slated for using "Be Kind" as well.

Apparently that term is solely used to shut women up but that's a load of rubbish. Be Kind applies to absolutely everyone. If people don't like the term then maybe don't be a arsehole then.

[Blocked]

I've been given a few sharp shakes on MN before and it's done me the world of good. It's a place where women aren't expected to be nice or be kind. There are huge opportunities for personal development in gathering honest opinions and thinking on them, using them to grow. If we are all just bland and kind, we allow each other to go around being happy idiots. We should be challenging ourselves, and each other, more than that.

No need for name calling though, although I just laugh it off now. The poster calling you a cunt doesn't actually know you and they don't know if you're a cunt. No point getting upset about it. Just report it to MN.

[Alltheholidays]

@HRTQueen Could well be yes! . Obviously the people who said those things believed there were were some grounds for saying that.
Again, context is everything. Would have to see the thread.
There are lots of stupid and irresponsible people in the world. We are sadly being governed by one of them.

[WeepingSomnambulist]

The "be kind" nonsense started after a domestic abuser, who smashed her boyfriends head and he called for help thinking he was going to die, decided to kill herself instead of standing trial or pleading guilty.

I certainly hope it is over. It's always aimed at women and used to silence us. It's also little girls who are raised to be kind and quiet and bend over for other, whilst boys are not and continue to rule the world.

[MooseBreath]

@Alltheholidays The thread has since been deleted at my request because I didn't want to make a decision about having a child whilst being made to feel like an awful person.

[HRTQueen]

The PM is making decisions that impact our all our lives

that is not comparable to a women coming on here asking for advice or explaining her situation. Why is it acceptable to call her stupid, irresponsible or a bad mother

Or are you going to make out that on this particular thread MooseBreath defended her right to allow her inflame child to play on the street at 130am with fireworks, or was sleeping with 15 men and didn’t know how the father was or only feed her children only McDonald’s 🙄

if you want to help be empathetic and reply well could your try x,y or z or just don’t say anything at all if you want to make personal derogatory remarks. Many posters manage not to it’s not difficult

ive seen similar threads too many times and I’ve seen the defending of tell it like it is all to often (and once again on here today)

[HRTQueen]

*infant

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello @Steppymum we're really sorry you had a negative experience. We can't see any reports from you and so in case you were not aware, you can always report any posts like the ones you describe and they would almost certainly be deleted by us. Unlike many sites, we read and respond individually to each one and we do not tolerate personal attacks towards other posters.

[Alltheholidays]

@MooseBreath So you had the thread deleted because you disliked the responses!

You need to understand that you can’t force people to respond to you in the way you deem appropriate.
it really is as simple as that!

[MrsPelligrinoPetrichor]

@Doingprettywellthanks

I certainly hope the “Be Kind” nonsense has died a death.

If I never hear it again it'll be too soon.

[BaileySharp]

Many on here aren't 'kind' (some are!), I think quite a few are brutally honest with the emphasis on brutal 😆 overall I enjoy my time here though. Lots of people on here look at things a different way and it can be interesting to hear their perspective

[Doingprettywellthanks]

Why is it acceptable to call her stupid, irresponsible or a bad mother

perhaps because the posters do believe that based on what the op has posted…. The op is stupid and / or irresponsible and / or a bad mother.


some OP’s leave me reeling with their threads

[HRTQueen]

Step away if they do

if they are struggling and you can offer kindness and/or advice that isn’t attacking them do so if not just click on to the next thread

particularly when the subject is so emotive

[Soproudoflionesses]

There are some proper nasties on AIBU.
I have been told on there what a wicked stepmum l am (totally not true) and called or sorts so now l don't bother starting threads as l can't be doing with getting into arguments with randoms l will never meet

[Doingprettywellthanks]

@HRTQueen

Step away if they do

if they are struggling and you can offer kindness and/or advice that isn’t attacking them do so if not just click on to the next thread

particularly when the subject is so emotive

So mumsnet threads where for example someone is considering moving a man in to her childrens home that she met 3 weeks ago who is unemployed and her children don’t like… you would like the thread to comprise of “there there love”.

Nope, I will say - you are being utterly irresponsible and, worse. Do NOT move this man in. Focus on your children. For example

[fleurdelee]

@AnneLovesGilbert

If someone’s attacking you report the post to MNHQ and they’ll take it down if it breaks guidelines. This is the only thread under your current username so no one can see evidence of what you’re saying.

Be Kind is a load of bollocks quoting a domestic abuser. It’s brainless and used to shut down discussion and silence women.

If MN isn’t for you there are other forums you may prefer.

Hello @AnneLovesGilbert
love your user name 😍

Can you explain what you mean by "be kind was invented by a domestic abuser"

[MooseBreath]

@Alltheholidays

@MooseBreath So you had the thread deleted because you disliked the responses!

You need to understand that you can’t force people to respond to you in the way you deem appropriate.
it really is as simple as that!

You're not making yourself look particularly compassionate here. I deleted the thread because I needed to be in the best mental state possible to decide whether or not to bring a child into the world. That was the reason, not "disliking the responses". My decision was far more important than a Mumsnet post. People don't need to agree with anything I post, but berating posters isn't helpful or respectful.

[Alltheholidays]

@MooseBreath and yet, here you are. Leaving yourself open to comments that you will deem uncompassionate
Strange that you wanted to come back for more, if the comments in the other thread affected you so much!

[Doingprettywellthanks]

@MooseBreath

You're not making yourself look particularly compassionate here. I deleted the thread because I needed to be in the best mental state possible to decide whether or not to bring a child into the world. That was the reason, not "disliking the responses". My decision was far more important than a Mumsnet post. People don't need to agree with anything I post, but berating posters isn't helpful or respectful.

The thread in question was very serious.

and many were understandably shocked and very worried and yes angry, that you were remotely considering the action you wanted to do given the circumstances.

you can’t expect to post on the matter you did without it seriously impacting some posters who may have had experiences like this as a child with a parent such as your DH

[Doingprettywellthanks]

And your last post on the thread in question was

Thank you all for your help. It is very much appreciated.

[MooseBreath]

@Alltheholidays The comments did affect me, but time has passed. I am no longer making such an important decision. The example of my past thread is an example of how some posters aren't kind, as is the point of this thread.

[Alltheholidays]

So it seems that the other thread was not exactly the OP described!
What a shocker!

[MooseBreath]

@Doingprettywellthanks That isn't the thread in question. I had posted a previous thread a few days prior under a namechange that had very different responses. I tried again a few days later when I felt I was able to deal with responses.

[LightDrizzle]

l agree that a small minority of posts can be disproportionately aggressive and unhelpful, I’m thinking of the ones who always trot out “Why did you have a SECOND child with this POS man-child?” - when someone is tearing their hair out about their crap DH, or yes, sneering about the poster’s presumed incompetence around contraception.

However, one of the great things about Mumsnet as an anonymous forum is that you WILL get unfiltered genuine opinion that we rarely get from our friends and family. You see this often when a wounded poster yelps that their friends all think that X was being unreasonable and agree with her so they are a bit surprised at everyone piling on them on the thread. Most people don’t want to jeopardise a friendship or family relationships by telling you that actually your failure to control your “spirited” 5 year old means people will avoid inviting you round to their houses, or that your wedding plans are batshit and the bridesmaid’s inability to attend your hen do is reasonable considering her situation.

The step-parenting forum does seem particularly polemical and attracts posts from some people who seem predisposed to think the worse of would-be step parents, but then there is also the fact that long time observers see the same red -flag situations posted time and time again so jump in with a directness that startles a poster whose only experience is their own.

For example there is a steady trickle of dewy-eyed girlfriends who have unquestioningly bought into their lovely, struggling bf’s narrative of his ex and current situation and who are already one foot into relieving him of his parenting burden; falling into the “Look how different I am to your ex! I would be an amazing mum!” trap, that finds them a few years down the line wondering why their DH’s life is so much easier than theirs and why even though they are doing most of the domestic shitwork around parenting, they get their heads bitten off if they venture an opinion regarding their step-children. These posters are dismayed that their wonderful, loving intentions with regard to their bf’s children are critiqued by the embittered old harridans of Mumsnet.

I'm a step mother as well as a a mum and I always wince when someone uses the abbreviation bm or word bio-mum for their step-child’s mother. That’s never going to go down well and rightly so.

[Doingprettywellthanks]

@MooseBreath

@Doingprettywellthanks That isn't the thread in question. I had posted a previous thread a few days prior under a namechange that had very different responses. I tried again a few days later when I felt I was able to deal with responses.

So you got the thread deleted?

but my point stands

your situation was extremely controversial and naturally would have got people very fired up