Have people forgotten "Be Kind"

[Steppymum]

I only joined mumsnet recently. I've been a stepmum for around 2 years so relatively new to the role. I thought joining mumsnet would be good for getting advice and tips as well as venting about some of the stresses of parenting amd everyday life.

I've started 2 threads about 2 separate topics and commented on others posts. Of course eveyone is entitled to their opinions and it's always good to get another perspective. But within a week I've been called a cunt, an arsehole, told I don't deserve friends, I'm too involved with my DSD, my DSDs care is non of my business, I sounds like an nightmare etc. etc.

Of course there have been some positive comments as well but it's the negative ones that always stick. If people think I'm being unreasonable I'm happy to hear their reason but I think calling a stranger a cunt etc is unnecessary. People seem to read part of the post, miss out a chunk, make assumptions and twist every word you say. And it seems as a stepmum I'm already public enemy number one. 🤣

How have other people found the site? Am I just being too soft? Is it worth sticking around?

I hope Be Kind has died a death. It’s a suitable motto for Kindergarten.

But should I just expect to be called names from total strangers?

No, you absolutely shouldn’t. The words themselves aren’t a problem in other contexts, but if they’re used as a personal insult, you should report - against MN guidelines.

Isn’t there a T-shirt or something out there along the lines of… “No, YOU be kind.”

I like that.

'Be kind' was in response to a tragic event, it was of it's time, so yes, people have forgotten about it in the main. People are not generally kind these days, I find. Especially not on anonymous forums, where they respond in ways i'm guessing (I hope) they would never do in real life.

Rather than focussing on the negative replies, focus on the positive ones. Forums are generally combative, but you will find some really helpful replies amongst the 'you're a cunt' dross.

Follow these rules:

1. Stay away from AIBU.
2. A SM's place is in the wrong. You are either too involved or not involved enough, you can't win.

Post on Chat, or The doghouse, or Style&Beauty or anywhere else and have fun. Even post in parenting or education, but don't mention you are a SM.

The fact that people are focusing on me using the phrase "be kind" rather than the actual point I was trying to make kind of proves my point.

Of course "be kind" shouldn't be applied in abusive situations. But generally is there any need to name call etc when someone's done nothing to you?

I agree you don't deserve to be called names. Parenting is rarely black and white anyway, unless there is active abuse. AIBU tends to be very black and white though.

The question is, are you too involved with your stepchild? Some step mums need to back off and remember the child has a mum. Often it's the father that pushes lots of parenting responsibilities onto their new girlfriend. It certainly happened with my own dc and other people I know personally. Without seeing your other threads then I don't think people can comment much but generally be kind can fuck off. No excuse for name calling though.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. And yes, I absolutely write and the-write everything but people still manage to nit-pick.

Like some of the posters on this thread are attacking the header I used. Maybe a poor choice by me. I didn't realise it was such a hated term. But my point still stands. If I simply changed the header would that have made a difference?

@Steppymum

I changed my username as I didn't really want everyone traipsing though every post I've made.

I don't really think it's relevant. I certainly haven't posted anything that merited abuse

Of course it's relevant! You are asking us to agree with you when we have no idea what actually happened! Posters here complain of being "bullied" when simply asked to clarify a situation which seems unusual or hard to fully understand. Personal attacks are routinely removed by mods if reported so did you report them?

Content is everything

IMO OP, the main reason some people join forums, is because they enjoy having a safe, anonymous, nasty go at other people. Maybe they’d never have the nerve to do it in RL - who knows? But to me they are pathetic and best ignored. Easier said than done, though, I know.💐

You should watch 'Keep Sweet' on Netflix about the FLDS and how they bring their girls up to 'keep sweet'. Then they can dominate them.

should I just expect to be called names from total strangers?

Yes you should expect it, this is the InterNet. Some strategies:

1. See what the general tone is on the MN board you want to post to. The boards are very different here. e.g. AIBU is very combative, Behaviour & Development more thoughtful and supportive.
2. See which topics, opinions and wordings from other people have already led to flames on the board that you want to post to.
3. Do not start "light-hearted" threads unless you are prepared to manage flames. What is"light-hearted" to one person easily comes across as dismissive or insulting to another.
4. Remember that you are not just talking to the people you can "see" as posters, there will be far more people just reading and your light-hearted post that goes down well among the usual posters may offend the others. You may or may not care what they think!
5. Be especially careful what you say about sensitive topics like step-parenting. It's up to you but I wouldn't make jokes or light-hearted remarks about it online.
6. Apologise if you accidentally caused offence. And not a defensive "I was only joking can't you take a joke how could you take it to heart" type non-apology. That only feeds the flames.
7. Don't respond to name-calling and personal abuse. Ignore the post. Any response to name-calling just feeds the flames.
8. Report all posts with name-calling and personal abuse. MumsNet will delete them but someone has to report and that someone is probably going to have to be you.

I hope this helps, good luck!

I don’t subscribe to ‘be kind’ either. It is a mealie mouthed way of shutting people down. There is a reason why people have honed in on that phrase OP.

I’m happier with ‘don’t be an absolute cunt’ rather than ‘be kind’.

I’ve been called left right and centre on here lately for something that didn’t actually happen the way the bandwagon jumpers have decided it did. And they won’t let it drop because they are high on the drama.

It says more about them than it ever will about me.

Folk will be forthright in their opinions. And that is appreciated by a lot of folk. But if some chose to be arseholes and personal? Try to let it slide past you. Gobshites are going to gobshite.

Gaspanic’s pub description is pretty much bob on.

DP is an excellent dad and certainly doesn't dump the responsibility onto me. He deals directly with DSDs mum. I do the nursery run as I work from home as it's easier. We have girls days and bake cakes together etc. DP of course makes all decisions to do with parenting but often asks my opinion. I'd say we make a good team and I have a great relationship with DSD.

I don't know how you can't be involved with a child who lives under your roof 50% of the time.

100%

There are occasions where kindness is the required thing. And other occasions where straight talking (not abusive, but blunt if necessary) is more appropriate.

You see it in many environments. For example, women have higher expectations of 'kindness' (essentially subservience) placed upon them than men do in the workplace. A woman who is direct and assertive at work will be called 'bossy' or 'strident' and treated as if her behaviour is a problem. Whereas men can be outright aggressive without anyone raising an eyebrow

The expectation of kindness from women can do one.

100%

There are occasions where kindness is the required thing. And other occasions where straight talking (not abusive, but blunt if necessary) is more appropriate.

You see it in many environments. For example, women have higher expectations of 'kindness' (essentially subservience) placed upon them than men do in the workplace. A woman who is direct and assertive at work will be called 'bossy' or 'strident' and treated as if her behaviour is a problem. Whereas men can be outright aggressive without anyone raising an eyebrow

The expectation of kindness from women can do one.

I agree with you, OP - the actual being kind, respectful and genuine rather than just the hashtag.

I left and became a lurker for a couple of months earlier this year, as I just got so irritated with certain people waiting to start an argument and be nasty over nothing. Like most people on here, I relish a proper discussion, and I'm more than happy to be challenged by views that are very different from my own. We're also not children on here, so fair criticism and huge disagreement is par for the course.

It's just the people - probably former school bullies - who are not interested in thoughtful, intelligent discussion and interaction, but just dominating, gratuitous ad hominem attacks and the online equivalent of a punch-up behind the bike-sheds.

It's a shame they can't all set up their own forum where they can all just call each other names and shout "Your mum", believing it to be hilarious; and leave MN for the many people, from all backgrounds and with all kinds of perspectives, who genuinely want a discussion forum for grown-ups.

Agreed, maybe "Don't be an absolute cunt" would have been more suitable but then I didn't really want to be calling people cunts either.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this. It seems that all it takes is for one person to be rude and all the others pile on.

I probably should have done some research before I joined. I've been a member of other forums before but never seen comments quite like the ones on mumsnet.

I also think the word 'kind' is widely misused as a synonym for 'doormat'. It's perfectly possible to be kind but totally unyielding to pressure to ignore/hide your own beliefs and standpoints.

Often, it's not what you say, but how you convey it.

It's the sheer numer of people who behave like this that has shocked me. Like "there's always one" but jeezo it's rife on here!

Even the response to basically asking if it's too much to ask not to be called a cunt by strangers has an overwhelming vote for yes. I don't think this is the forum for me to be honest.

Know that you will get some fabulous advice here. Over the years I’ve had tremendous help and support.

You just have to filter out those who are here for the drama. Don’t give up yet.

Yes, everyone has stopped using #bekind, and everyone seems to have forgotten the reason it started in the first place. People seem to have forgotten that words said, words typed hurt. No one knows why someone has posted on MN, or on any social media platform. Sometimes its not as clear as it might seem. Yet the ones who take delight in being abusive, 'taking someone down a peg' or however they want to explain just nastiness and bullying. I have been subject to some very nasty comments, not just here but on other platforms aswell as my opinion wasnt the same as others, and calling out bullies, and bullying behaviour is likely to lose me a role I love and have done for years. I do wonder how many deaths it will take to make people think about what they are typing

If it’s about being a step mum, it’s brutal on here!

I was a step mum going through hell, with some really awful experiences but they weigh in heavily here on mumsnet on certain topics.

On the other hand - I used it as a way of growing a thicker skin in some ways - and got some absolutely amazing advice when I learned to ignore the horrible comments. It can be done and there are ways of phrasing the original posts to stop a lot of the unkind comments. But yeah, some people here are arseholes frankly. Really nasty in a way that I hope to god they aren’t in real life.

Big difference between not agreeing and calling someone a cunt that deserves no friends.