DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

[Eliza667]

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

Gosh, what a melodrama. You're making a mountain out of a molehill and he is rude and thoughtless. You've bent over backwards and he's been an arse, regardless of why. If I were you I should go about my business, go to bed, in your own bed, sleep on the row if you must and carry on as normal tomorrow but as when he wants to talk about his overreaction. But yes, carrots do go from raw to burnt in a flash.

I think you are doing a good job looking after a husband who is sick, as well as trying to please him cooking meals you hope he will eat. You are stress out.
Maybe he is worried but if I were you, I would like to know what he spending his time reading on his phone, Dr. Google or other is not good as it makes the imagination work overtime. Could you go with him on his next visit to the surgery.

Jeez. Puts me off doing a roast.

I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Obviously there is something going on with him. As the cook, I might have said fxxk it and stormed off 😁

I hope by now you've been able to have a conversation and have sorted things out x

Tricky situation. I’d ignore it and carry on as normal BUT I’d tell his GP you think there’s a medical problem and don’t know what.
I’d keep my eye on him as something is happening. Perhaps keep a journal.
I'm watching Jeremy Paxman and his programme re Parkinson’s disease. As we get older, illness can be a worry even if we don’t have a diagnosis, we can worry. Bye bye youth xx

I think a roast is the easiest thing ever to cook.

My DH is chronically unwell. This behaviour happens from time to time. I ignore it. I didn’t in the past, but these days it’s just not worth it. Sometimes he’s just too tired to articulate how he feels and when pushed, it can degenerate into a row. Do yourself a favour. Put his dinner in the oven. Don’t engage. Tell him that’s where it is (I’ve found a mid, non-sarcastic delivery works best), pour yourself a tea/glass, leave him be and relax til the following morning. Be kind to yourself. Stop trying so hard. Following day when things are calmer (and I find him less annoying) I’m generally more sympathetic and he’s more reasonable. Ill health, worrying about ill health, living with ill health can be pants. It’s also pants for the nearest and dearest. Courage.

Yes. Simple meals. Fresh pasta in a packet this evening. Save yourself! Just don’t rise to the argument it’s really not worth it and it doesn’t help.

Sorry but that behaviour is abuse. feeling sick or not, you don’t treat people like that. Call him out and label it for what it is.

Why the drama over a roast dinner? I haven’t cooked one for ages but wouldn’t have a problem cooking one without help. It’s not difficult.

YABU. DHs behaviour out of character. Clearly stressed over his illness and feels ill and you banging on about cooking the carrots!! You should cook him a nice meal without pestering him and show sympathy and care. You might be ill in the future and expect to be cared for and shown sympathy and given support.

Two things I know are true in my household:

1. The kitchen is where frustrations come out
2. My dude is super cranky when he has any ongoing health issue

I think that's what is happening here in your case, honestly. You were tired, he's anxious about health and feeling shit.

Pent up frustration goes somewhere. I throw things sometimes when my frustration boils over. Never at anyone, but it happens. I'm generally a calm person. You say your husband is too.

Holding things down while your partner is unwell is really rough. They are dealing with their private fears of youth ending / catastrophe happening / what if I can't provide? / / what if this is something big?, and your'e dealing with having to take on more than you normally do, juggling so much, and then on top of that dealing with what feels like total lack of gratitude and lack of care for everything you're doing.

Truly, I'd go talk it out, hug, have a laugh about it, forgive, forget, and move on from it.

He owes you an apology. You've been thoughtfully cooking his meals and wanted a bit of help with this meal and he has the gall to throw a tantrum and sulk in bed on his phone. You said you took laundry up, so did he ignore you when you entered the room? You also mentioned you work full time yourself yet you went out and bought his lunch for work while he's got the hump upstairs. Its not your fault he's ill. It's unbelievably childish and silent treatment can be very abusive.

Carrots. Burnt carrots. That is not the hill that I would choose to plant my flag. Both of you are upset. Let it be, talk tomorrow. Ease off. If it is something catastrophic you’re going to need to use all your energy efficiently. I wouldn’t be preparing 3 meals for him, it might even make him more scared that you think he can’t even manage to feed himself. Let him stand up for himself, DH tipped the pasta in the pan, he’s cooked a meal, he feels he’s contributed, most people want to feel useful, and one day that’s going to be almost impossible, in the meantime, just muddle. You shouldn’t be doing all that, it’s not good for either of you. Tired and resentful and scared (both of you) are a recipe for falling out. Sleep well.

Get a Toby Carvery delivered next time
Job done

lf it’s not typical it is worth considering if medication or illness is having an impact. Both can different for different people. Eg codeine in our family makes us really angry in an irrational way. A heart condition made my dad tearful and emotional and other illness has made other people in the family snappy and bad tempered at particular points. It doesn’t excuse but it can be an understandable reason. It may be good to step back and really get to the underlying issues especially if this is not typical.

I thought it was just me. I have been surprised by the number of people saying it’s a big and complex undertaking. One of the easiest and most straightforward meals.

Unless the OP was giving it a twist by fusing it with another type of cuisine.

Anyway all sounds like way too much drama.

Good morning op.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and this morning is better.

Just wondering if he apologised or expected you to cook breakfast today?

I have often felt rather low a few days after starting on amoxicillin; DP was on one type of antibiotic that made him feel irrational towards the end of the course.

We chatted it through. He came downstairs and didn’t talk so I started the conversation. At first he refused to apologise so thank you to whoever suggested saying that the throwing things was unacceptable as he did eventually apologise after I explained that was what had upset me (not the carrots, I really couldn’t care about burning the carrots, it’s the way he reacted).

He continues to insist there’s nothing else wrong or anything going on. I don’t think this is anything sinister and he’s not on weird meds, just an illness picked up overseas that’s carrying on a bit.

I explained the extra pressure I felt and feeling unappreciated for my effort. I think he felt a bit bad as yesterday he did some other jobs around the house.

I’m really surprised so many people think it’s over dramatic to be upset about someone throwing things and feel for those people saying this, I’m not sure how bad your home lives must be to consider this an overreaction. It certainly made me realise we must have it really good most of the time..

To those analysing my cooking ability, I had 7 things on the go at once, none of it was aunt Bessie’s, and to the person who asked, yes there were Yorkshires! :) Someone said this is hardly a bake off, I’ve actually won a baking competition before so it just goes to show different people find different things harder or easier.

I’m glad he apologised. Throwing stuff and door slamming really stress me out too. Hope you have a better day. Roast dinner timings are tricky, only ever attempt it at the weekend round here.

Personally I find it’s toast, but hey you do you.

Throwing things is most certainly not normal.

I call that violent behaviour exhibiting a lack of control.

I appreciate people can become frustrated but it is not normal behaviour to be dismissing.

She’s also used him and he a lot. What’s your point?

My DH can be a bit petulant. Occasionally he gets arsey on a Sunday and won't have tea I used to try and jolly him along and make suggestions. I don't do that any more I just get something for me and leave him to it.

What a twat he needs to grow up - mean idiot ! 😕