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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

158 replies

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 20:51

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/10/2022 22:25

Suggest a big bowl of empathy is on the menu tomorrow 🤷

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:27

ColourMeExhausted · 03/10/2022 22:22

He's out of order OP. Ill or not, he's stropped off like a child and you're owed an apology. Not sure why others are being so rude about it?

thanks @ColourMeExhausted. I don’t understand why people have to be so horrible about my cooking either, I usually do just fine, I’ve had a long day at work and a headache all afternoon so obviously not going to be at my best cooking wise, but I still tried for him, no issue admitting I made a mistake with the carrots but not really the point of the thread. It’s not the carrots it’s the excessive reaction to what was a small tiff.

OP posts:
TorviShieldMaiden · 03/10/2022 22:28

I always mess up the timing of roast dinners! My oven is small and I’m usually waiting around for the stuffing or something.

I really want a roast dinner now 😂

BatsAtDawn · 03/10/2022 22:29

Go upstairs, tell him you don't want to fall out and the food is still downstairs if he wants it.

I dont think there's anything for you to apologise for, and he is obviously stressed so best for both of you to let it go and move on.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 03/10/2022 22:32

OP, I think you are getting a hard time on this thread. His sulking seems excessive to me, whatever the actual cause of the upset between you. Get some sleep - in your own bed - and I hope he can apologise tomorrow.

SpidersAreShitheads · 03/10/2022 22:35

fatgirlslimmer · 03/10/2022 22:00

A roast dinner isn’t difficult how can you forget how to cook one? If you struggle with timings write a plan or don’t offer. You’re both BU

Storming off to bed is not good, but if it’s out of character maybe the carrots were just the final straw for both of you in the worry building over his illness, is you snapping at him out of character too?

I agree with this. You sounds as if you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill and to be fair, some of your replies on here have been a wee bit dramatic and OTT. On the flip side, he’s been short tempered and a drama queen.

Maybe his illness and the uncertainty over a diagnosis are affecting you both in different ways. Neither of you come out of this looking good, but stress and illness might be to blame if this is unusual behaviour from you both.

ColourMeExhausted · 03/10/2022 22:35

I always get stressed making roasts, maybe I'm not a super chef like most on here appear to be, and it does lead to bickering between me and DH.

Feeling particularly sympathetic to your plight, as me and DH had an argument over tonight's meal which I cooked (I do most of the cooking) and I'm really annoyed with him and considering just letting him crack on with making his own meals!

Hope all feels brighter in the morning @Eliza667

Oldoldold · 03/10/2022 22:35

I would be telling him that you've put a blanket on the couch for him and telling him to GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR BED so that you can sleep in peace.
What an utter prick he is.

I'm sorry OP that you're living like this. He's being a dick.

He's able to work but not able to stir gravy?
Tell him to FUCK OFF from me.

HeckyPeck · 03/10/2022 22:37

tillytown · 03/10/2022 22:02

HikingforScenery, she asked him to make some gravy, and then asked when the gravy would be done, how is that unfair?

I agree.

People have some incredibly low bars for men on here.

There are also a lot of people who love to kick people when they are down and deliberately misunderstand posts so they can stick the boot in.

Try not to take the carrot obsessed weirdness personally OP. That's what people are like on here nowadays.

FWIW, I'm also awaiting investigation for a potentially serious illness and I have managed to refrain from throwing cutlery and storming off in a huff in any disagreements I've had with my husband.

It sounds like you've been looking after your DH by cooking all his meals and he definitely owes you an apology.

mrsbyers · 03/10/2022 22:38

I’ve had this before over a burst egg yolk or a toasted sandwich that got stuck to the maker - ends up in the bin and I just leave him to sulk

it’s just a mantrum

SeaToSki · 03/10/2022 22:38

Go upstairs. Tell him you are going to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is ill and you love him, but tomorrow you would really like to have a chat about what is really bugging him, because clearly something is and you would like to help. Then tell him you love him and jump into bed next to him

cantley · 03/10/2022 22:39

He over reacted and is behaving like a complete fool, sick or not.
Adults who sulk like this are unbearable.
I'm sorry he's obviously rattled you, you sound over worked and totally stressed by him.

Grumpusaurus · 03/10/2022 22:40

If my DH behaved this shitty over food, guess who would not be getting any cooked dinners anymore! OP, I am sorry you were treated this appallingly. His only tiny, partial saving grace is that he has been so unwell. But unless he completely grovels for forgiveness, I would not forgive that kind of behaviour!

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/10/2022 22:41

Blix · 03/10/2022 21:16

You are both being a bit dramatic over a simple roast dinner.

Simple roast dinners aren't difficult - but the timing of things can be complicated, and if you're faffing with different vegetables which all have different cooking times than it's easy to end up with something overcooked.

Not the end of the world, OP. He's behaving like a toddler - treat him like one. Let him have his tantrum, cry himself to sleep and if he's still the same in the morning let him get on with it.

Life's too short to run round after a man baby.

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/10/2022 22:44

TorviShieldMaiden · 03/10/2022 22:28

I always mess up the timing of roast dinners! My oven is small and I’m usually waiting around for the stuffing or something.

I really want a roast dinner now 😂

SO do I.

And I really want a chicken dinner . . .

<eyes freezer>

Blueink · 03/10/2022 22:46

Given all you have going on it seems you were expecting a bit much of yourself to cook a big dinner. Cooking 3 meals a day for someone who is on a restricted diet when you are working also seems excessive. It seems like you are both tired, stressed and got annoyed with each other. Even though you told him not to worry after he said no, he felt obliged to help and then found he was feeling too ill even to make up a bit of Bisto (max 2min job), which must be a bit worrying.
He’s going to be a bit bored eating the same things he can tolerate at the moment and that’s ok, that’s not your responsibility.
If you want an apology you may or may not get one. I would probably just get into bed, but if you prefer to take some space for yourself and to sleep in the spare room, you could say/do that.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2022 22:50

Well this is easy. You don't have to cook for him ever again. Let him sort himself out from now on. You might be able to rethink your stance if you get a suitably contrite apology.

Mariposista · 03/10/2022 22:54

YANBU OP. You went to a huge effort (a roast seems simple but getting the timings right is hard) and he slobbed about not helping and then criticized. This would have driven me mad too. He owes you a nice meal in return!

OldFan · 03/10/2022 22:57

I would feel the same as you @Eliza667 . How he acted isn't ok. I hope he gets back to his normal self soon. x

JuicyMumma63 · 03/10/2022 22:59

I wouldn't stand for it! Mind you, a Yorkshire pudding wouldn't have gone amiss.

octoberfarm · 03/10/2022 23:03

bellsbuss · 03/10/2022 22:10

How can you forget how to cook a roast ?

Really?

OP, I cook roasts regularly and often screw up the carrots. DH never mentions it. If he did feel the need to take issue with my cooking, I would have said exactly what you did - he'd be welcome to take over if my skills weren't up to his (exacting) standards.

That being said, it's clear your DH is unwell and probably not at his best. I don't think you were remotely unreasonable and it sounds like you're under a fair amount of pressure with work and caring for him. He's probably (understandably) worried about what is going on with him too. If it were me and this was out of character for him, I'd go upstairs now, give him a cuddle and say that you're sorry he's feeling so unwell. If he doesn't apologize for being a bit of a twat, I'd follow it up with "that being said, I didn't love you criticizing my cooking skills when I was trying really hard to make you a meal you wanted. I'm trying my best." I'd assume he'll probably apologize then. Sorry you're both having a hard time. Hope he's feeling better soon Flowers

billy1966 · 03/10/2022 23:04

HeckyPeck · 03/10/2022 22:37

I agree.

People have some incredibly low bars for men on here.

There are also a lot of people who love to kick people when they are down and deliberately misunderstand posts so they can stick the boot in.

Try not to take the carrot obsessed weirdness personally OP. That's what people are like on here nowadays.

FWIW, I'm also awaiting investigation for a potentially serious illness and I have managed to refrain from throwing cutlery and storming off in a huff in any disagreements I've had with my husband.

It sounds like you've been looking after your DH by cooking all his meals and he definitely owes you an apology.

I agree.

Stop with your 3 meals a day.

So bloody what if he has stomach issues, throwing a utensil and you cooking dinner.

He sounds like a rude arse.

Comtesse · 03/10/2022 23:10

Throwing something, storming off and refusing to eat the meal? And yet OP should #bekind? I don’t think so! Ill or not, he is being unreasonable

IvegotanAIBUforyou · 03/10/2022 23:17

My husband is currently experiencing stomach problems and has done for a year and a half (it's being investigated). His symptoms match up to bowel cancer which I was very worried about. He mentioned this to the nurse who told him 'It might be, it might not'. Whilst waiting for a scan, he had a few moments were he seemed snappy though he denied he was worried. After having the scan and cancer being ruled out, he only then admitted that he was actully worried about it being cancer, hence the snappiness.

Let your husband calm down and suggest having a casual chat with him about how hes feeling? He might be really worried. Hope you get things sorted :)

Laureline · 03/10/2022 23:19

He’s behaving like a toddler. Throwing a ustensil? He needs to get a grip.
I’d let him deal with his meals going forward.

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