DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

[Eliza667]

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

[newnamethanks]

Sounds lovely round yours, got room for another?

[Hymnulop]

What's wrong with him and what treatment is he getting as nothing should go on for this long unless its a chronic condition.

[Needwine999]

It is an extreme reaction, is this unusual for him? Maybe have a chat, find out whats really bothering him

[Eliza667]

@Hymnulop

What's wrong with him and what treatment is he getting as nothing should go on for this long unless its a chronic condition.

He’s been on antibiotics and is having more tests done. They don’t know yet. :( I feel for him but at the same time its like he’s taking his frustration at still being ill out on me. He’s not usually like this.

[DottyLittleRainbow]

What a dick, does he always treat you like this OP?

[Valhalla17]

If he's been unwell I'm not sure why you kept on insisting that he help tbh

[cooolio]

Are there children there too? What an absolute tosser

[Mum2jenny]

Sorry to say mine has done similar in the past.I now just ignore it as I feel he is trying to control me.

He eats if he wants, not my hill to die on.

You eat what you want and ignore the toddler tantrums would be my recommendation. Put his portion in the fridge if you want to be kind!

[MerryLeg]

Why did you go get it to buy him stuff for lunch?

I wouldn’t be cooking or providing food for him again.

[Darbs76]

You didn’t over react. You’re cooking a roast dinner which is not easy and you’ve asked him to stir the gravy. He needs to get a grip. I’ve lived with a chronic very painful condition for years and can manage to not resort to being rude to my family

[LadyHarmby]

He’s feeling ill and probably worried about what’s wrong with him. I’d have a chat with him if this is not his usual behaviour

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

What made you choose a roast? That's a big meal to do by yourself even if you're confident.

And why did you go get him food from the shops while he's sulking?

It sounds like you're treating him nicely despite him being an arse. I would have got decidedly cool towards him by halfway through this.

[Eliza667]

@DottyLittleRainbow and @LadyHarmby no it’s really unusual behaviour for him :( so I’m sure there must be something else going on that he won’t talk to me about, but I’m worried that trying to talk to him while he’s still sulking will make me come across like a pushover/like he can just get away with that behaviour.

@Valhalla17 i only asked him once and when he said no I told him not to worry, then he changed his mind and said he’d help. I asked as I was struggling, and he’s often up and down with how well he feels and how much he’s able to do. If he was bedbound of course I wouldn’t ask.

@MerryLeg I wanted to be the bigger person, and not leave him hungry tomorrow because I would feel like I was being petty then.

[AutumnCrow]

@Valhalla17

If he's been unwell I'm not sure why you kept on insisting that he help tbh

People with chronic illnesses are enouraged to be active these days. Some rest, absolutely - but also movement and mindfulness, not dressing gowns of doom and unpleasant tempers.

[HyggeandTea]

There must be a bit more to this? Why were you worrying so much about it being perfect?
Leave him to sulk for now, and both of you talk when things are calmer. It's more than carrots!

[LuciusMeowFoy]

I’d have done as he’d asked and thrown his in the bin 🤷‍♀️
Certainly wouldn’t have gone out to get him more food!

[ChaToilLeam]

Is he twelve? It sounds like it.

[HyggeandTea]

And btw, even ill and worried people can control whether they are acting like an arse or not.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Definitely don't play to the sulk by trying to talk him out of it. Wait till he talks to you. Presumably with an apology, if this really is out of character.

[UWhatNow]

There sounds a lot going on here. A roast dinner shouldn’t cause this much angst and his reaction is way OTT. Is he worried his stomach issues are something serious? People react in strange ways when they’re scared.

[LivingMyBestLie]

Massively disrespectful of him.

Sounds like you need a good sit-down to let him know you won't accept that again. And he's a man, not a toddler, start acting like one.

Is he usually like this?

[Hawkins001]

He needs to be able to not be a big pickle

[Eliza667]

I think you are all right that there has to be something else going on as it IS out of character, I remember only one other time (we’ve been together over a decade) that he acted like this and there was something else underlying. I just don’t know how best to approach it, he can be REALLY stubborn so if he thinks he’s in the right maybe he won’t come to me to talk first.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I wanted to make something that had leftovers to make cooking a bit easier for a couple of days and something that was tasty but not overpowering for a sore stomach. I used to be able to do them by myself, it’s just when you get out of practice it takes a bit to get back in to it.

[Blix]

You are both being a bit dramatic over a simple roast dinner.

[SimonaRazowska]

Do you always cater to his whims?

he acted ridiculously. If my DH did this Zi would laugh at him so hard, and if he sulked after I’d tell him I was going out and leave him to fend or himself

ehh buy him lunch? He can eat the roast he did not touch. Or plain toast

stop rushing around doing stuff for him

get some self respect, and maybe he’ll start to respect you too