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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

158 replies

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 20:51

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

OP posts:
Dirtylittleroses · 03/10/2022 23:26

I’d sssume something going on with you both. I can’t imagine this amount of stress over a simple meal. And all the “I was out of practice”, it was hardly cordon blue cooking, it was carrots and gravy and instant gravy at that

it just sounds like an odd stressful situation where you both could not cope with cooking a simple meal

SuSen · 03/10/2022 23:37

I've not read the whole thread but you're working full time and cooking your husband 3 meals a day? Why?!

MrsMorrisey · 03/10/2022 23:40

Why does no one show people any Grace anymore?

OP it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress and the dinner has nothing to do with it.

Sit down and reconnect.
Often posters have an argument with their spouse and post on here before they calm down, responses feed the fire.
He's your husband and you love him and are trying to care the best you can.
Give both of yourselves a break, talk and move on.

MrsMorrisey · 03/10/2022 23:42

And your comment on being the next MasterChef was really funny.
Did a snort 😂

Ihavehadenoughalready · 04/10/2022 00:03

Team Eliza here.

I struggle with roasts and timings too. I'm sorry he's not feeling well, but that doesn't give him the right to criticize and throw things in anger and stomp away and pout and go disappear to bed. That is unacceptable. He should have expressed his gratitude for all your meal preps for him in the last few weeks.

Hopefully he gets a diagnosis soon. Hopefully he apologizes to you. I guess I would tell him also that being criticized for your kindness and having to be around someone who throws things does not make you inclined to continue the extra effort towards him.

BluSquid · 04/10/2022 00:18

It honestly wouldn't surprise me to see an 'AIBU to think that all adults should know how to cook a roast dinner?' thread pop up soon. People must really be feeling that back to work slump today!

What's your DH usually like with illness? Any chance he's gone down a google rabbit hole of cancer and survival rates and that's why he's been on his phone all evening too?

Lucidas · 04/10/2022 00:20

Burnt carrots, copious hand wringing and a gravy that isn’t ready after 10 minutes (?). No come dine with me awards being dispensed here

knittingaddict · 04/10/2022 02:54

We've had weird arguments like this over the years and my husband has also had a few years being treated for cancer (ok now).

My advice would be to de-escalate the situation. It's a daft situation probably caused by stress and anxiety. If this was us we would end up apologising to each other, having a talk and putting it behind us. If that meant apologising first then that's what I would do.

Don't sleep in the spare room. That's just keeping the drama going.

Obviously this only works if neither of you are complete arses.

Oh and don't attempt complicated, high maintenance meals if one is ill and the other can't manage on their own. Have something simple fgs.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 04/10/2022 03:04

Mum2jenny · 03/10/2022 20:57

Sorry to say mine has done similar in the past.I now just ignore it as I feel he is trying to control me.

He eats if he wants, not my hill to die on.

You eat what you want and ignore the toddler tantrums would be my recommendation. Put his portion in the fridge if you want to be kind!

Yep my Dh is doing toddler tantrums at the moment like this. I’m happy to just eat pasta with the kids, he can just fuck off with a toastie if that’s how he thinks he can punish me 😖 Kids are easier to cook for anyway so it’s like a reward for me 😉 ( he’s not usually like this )

SomethingVexesThee · 04/10/2022 05:09

mrsbyers · 03/10/2022 22:38

I’ve had this before over a burst egg yolk or a toasted sandwich that got stuck to the maker - ends up in the bin and I just leave him to sulk

it’s just a mantrum

Your so called partner strops at you about the food you prepare for him not being perfect?

Why would you put up with that?

Quitelikeit · 04/10/2022 05:25

I’d be seething with rage if this happened in my kitchen!!

how dare he

i would put his dinner in the bin for a start

worried people do not throw things!! Nasty, selfish, rude or abusive ones do though

Softplayhooray · 04/10/2022 06:07

Tbh how bad can it be if he can manage a full roast? If he's that ill to have a bad stomach he should be having plain toast or something.

Aishah231 · 04/10/2022 06:18

If your husband can work and eat a full roast he can't be that bad OP. Stop making him three meals a day.

GloriousGlory · 04/10/2022 06:58

Sounds like far too much drama from both! It's a roast dinner for two, not high tea for the entire royal family!

PorridgePowered · 04/10/2022 07:08

NeverCleanAgain · 03/10/2022 21:34

It’s an argument over carrots ffs. Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, it sounds like he was being a dramatic twat. It’s hardly relationship ending though, is it? Talk about it tomorrow after work once you’ve both realised how silly it is.

This.

Just get to bed when you are calm with minimal fuss.

Tomorrow, when you have time, ask him about carrrot-gate. Tell him you know he's stressed and you are here for him.

If its just an out of character moment of drama accept it with Grace and move on. None of us is perfect.

ILoveMeSteakIDo · 04/10/2022 09:01

His little tantrum got him 4 hours peace and quiet and got him out of doing any housework. You even went to get him his special food for tomorrow!

Unless he's bedbound, he's capable of getting himself meals. You don't have to cook 3 meals a day. Why do you feel that you do?

Certainly don't go and give him a tight hug and extra pats on the fucking head. Who is looking out for you, who is currently doing everything around the house, working full time and now he's got you tying yourself in knots trying to work out how to placate this huge baby.

Its possible to be ill without also being a knob about it.

diddl · 04/10/2022 09:09

SuSen · 03/10/2022 23:37

I've not read the whole thread but you're working full time and cooking your husband 3 meals a day? Why?!

Ikr!

I'd struggle to think of 3 cooked meals!

Unless porridge counts for breakfast!

Keroppi · 04/10/2022 19:50

Stop cooking 3 meals a day 😳😱 I'm sure he can turn on a slow cooker or do a one pot/sheet meal?!?! You have stepped up to care and nurture him & his health (like a married spouse should do) and in return he is treating you like a Mum he doesn't like and is having a tantrum and sulking! And to top it off you're now worried about his feelings and running up to tell him his tea is ready but he's continuing the mood. Well, okay then. Stop cooking for him since you clearly can't get it right.

Hopefully you've both woke up feeling better and he has apologised and feels sheepish! It would be more of a drama if he continues it and refuses to talk about it.

AnnieSnap · 04/10/2022 20:21

Given that you say “he’s not usually like this” and he’s ill with an, as yet undiagnosed condition, I’m surprised you are even airing it on a website 🤷‍♀️ He’s feeling ill and sensitive, give the guy a break!

lilstarr99 · 04/10/2022 20:27

My ex used to be like that all the time with me. He could literally sulk for England. I put up with it for way too long and now he’s my ex.
If it’s unusual behaviour then maybe cut him a little slack. However, if there’s no real reason and it becomes a pattern, then you will need to have a proper chat with him. My stroppy teenagers wouldn’t do that, a grown ass man ought to know better.

Couldyounot · 04/10/2022 20:34

He'd be wearing the fucking dinner which he asked for (!!) in this house, illness or not. Having an ongoing condition isn't a free pass for behaving like that.

slowquickstep · 04/10/2022 20:39

He is an idiot and needs to be told to grow up, you need to stop stressing over the making of a very simple meal. You both sound like teenagers.

Gottagetthruthissss · 04/10/2022 20:44

FFS. Neither of you have v good coping strategies..it's a Sunday roast, not junior bake off! I just don't understand the reactions (from either of you) from such irrelevance.

You sound needy. He sounds childish.

happy66 · 04/10/2022 20:53

if out of character I would guess he is worried that his health issues are serious.

Fingers crossed all is well.

Fluffmum · 04/10/2022 21:19

He needs to see his GP not have a tantrum

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