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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

158 replies

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 20:51

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 03/10/2022 21:55

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. My guess is that he's reaching breaking point with his illness and has (wrongly) taken it out on you. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but I think it might explain it.

I have a chronic illness that is life-limiting. Because I'm not bedridden my DH often seems to forget that it's still there, still affecting me, all the time. He sometimes has to be reminded that the fact I'm out of breath after one flight of stairs, for example, isn't because I'm hilariously unfit but because I'm fucking SICK (not saying that you're like that!). I'm constantly exhausted, I'm stressed by it and I'm aware that I can sometimes be a grumpy bastard as a result. I imagine after some weeks/months your DH feels similarly - especially as he doesn't even have a diagnosis.

I'd just go and give him a cuddle when you go to bed and then try to have a chat tomorrow.

expat101 · 03/10/2022 21:56

These things happen from time to time.

I would say he was feeling off, the smell of the cooking roast (through no fault of your own) was making him feel worse and he was aware this was going to be dinner when he was probably at the stage of not feeling like anything to eat at all.

Go to your normal bed, try and get some sleep. Don't try and solve it tonight.

Roasts taste better the next day.. 😘

HikingforScenery · 03/10/2022 21:57

It was unfair of you to expect him to help when he’s unwell. Why didn’t you just Google the timings? Stressing over to timings for a roast? Geez!

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2022 22:00

Blix · 03/10/2022 21:16

You are both being a bit dramatic over a simple roast dinner.

This.

A roast is simple so I don't get all the angst. However, that's irrelevant as his behaviour is entirely unacceptable. He needs to apologise & talk properly about whatever is going on for him.

fatgirlslimmer · 03/10/2022 22:00

A roast dinner isn’t difficult how can you forget how to cook one? If you struggle with timings write a plan or don’t offer. You’re both BU

Storming off to bed is not good, but if it’s out of character maybe the carrots were just the final straw for both of you in the worry building over his illness, is you snapping at him out of character too?

Anonymous48 · 03/10/2022 22:01

Montymorency · 03/10/2022 21:50

how would you actually burn carrots

What a ridiculous question! The same way you would burn any other food cooked in the oven. Too high a temperature and/or too long in the oven.

RewildingAmbridge · 03/10/2022 22:02

If you can't cook a roast, don't cook a roast.
Especially when the other person isn't really eating rich foods. He was wrong to throw the utensil, but you made an issue where there was none by guilting him into helping cooking a meal he wasn't even bothered by, he feels unwell, is probably anxious about lack of diagnosis. You then burn the carrots and blame him, whilst banging on about gravy. I'd probably go to bed at that point.

tillytown · 03/10/2022 22:02

HikingforScenery, she asked him to make some gravy, and then asked when the gravy would be done, how is that unfair?

IrisVersicolor · 03/10/2022 22:02

PortalooSunset · 03/10/2022 21:52

Absolutely this.

Show quote history

Yup.

Paperdolly · 03/10/2022 22:03

Just go and give him a hug and hold him tighter than usual. He’s ill and needs compassionate nurturing. Kind regards OP.

LuluBlakey1 · 03/10/2022 22:04

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 21:30

I’d give it the benefit of the doubt and go with that @purplethings if he hadn’t said he had wanted a roast, and his appetite has been fine for days now, just limited on types of food he can safely eat. I didn’t want him to “save” the meal, and didn’t ask for help with the timings, I just wanted him to carve the meat and stir the gravy. I screwed the carrots up but I would have let that go as a side effect of not making a roast for 6 months, it was him who decided to tell me I was doing everything weird and telling me what I should be doing instead. I didn’t ask him to tell me all the things I was doing wrong.

If he doesn’t want certain foods, (e.g. if when we bought the stuff he did but now he’s changed his mind) he needs to tell me the truth not let me spend hours of my time prepping and cooking it just for it to go to waste. The stuff would have kept.

What do I do if he’s still in bed when I want to go to bed? We’ve NEVER gone to bed on an argument before, I’ve got work in the morning and will have to leave early with no time to sort this out before I go, which is dragging in on to 24 hours at that point.. do I try and talk to him or hold me ground? Do I give in and sleep in the spare room? I’ve seriously never been in this situation with him before.

He's an adult- even if he is behaving like a child. Let him get on with it. Sleep in the spare room and get a good night's sleep.

Original poster
Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:07

As I’m being asked this a lot, he asked for the roast dinner. I didn’t guilt him in to it, I didn’t make him something he didn’t want, are you guys really attacking me for cooking a meal for him because it was the wrong meal? How about, I’m cooking him 3 meals a day right now and trying to think of variety of meat and veg he can eat so he doesn’t get fed up? I also didn’t force him to help, I just asked if he would be able to and when I said no I actually told him not to worry and he was the one who changed his mind.

I don’t think he’s actually asleep @NeverCleanAgain , he was lay on his phone when I went up with some laundry earlier.

What upset me wasn’t the carrots but the way he reacted and how he’s been since. I also never blamed him for the carrots, not sure where some of you are getting that from, he blamed me for doing it wrong?!

I’ve never been in this situation, so sorry if the bed thing sounds weird but we always sort stuff out well before it’s gone on this long over bigger stuff than this. I don’t know why people usually sleep in different beds or what leads to it, and what the “right” thing to do here is.

@coffeeandpoetry He’s had a stomach upset for a few weeks, not months. he handled a burger (that he wanted) totally fine the other night. I didn’t have a go at him, he started telling me I was doing everything weird.

@Avidreader69 only what I said in the OP, I just said “do you want to cook?”. It was a flippant response to him trying to tell me I was doing everything weird, just felt a bit harsh to start pulling me up on my cooking skills.

the only thing I said about the carrots was “oh no the carrots are burning”. That was it, I didn’t go on about it. I get it, roast carrots are easy, but I screwed the carrots up because I put them in too early. It’s not a big deal but I’d really appreciate people not getting caught up telling me how easy carrots are and I shouldn’t have needed his help. 🙄 sometimes stuff goes wrong, we’re all human, and usually we rely on DH to support us when things go wrong not fight us over it. Why did I offer if I was out of practice? Because he asked for it and I wanted to do something nice to try and make him feel better. More fool me.

I agree, gravy takes minutes, he’d been stirring it for 10 and it wasn’t ready, other stuff was going to burn if I didn’t put it out and our kitchen is too small to store it elsewhere, was it really so bad to ask how much longer it would be so I knew if I could start putting everything else out?

I’m working full time and he knows I’m having a particularly hard time right now at work, I’m cooking him 3 meals a day, it just felt a bit unreasonable for him to complain that the way I was cooking was wrong and then huff all night about it and not talk to me.

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 03/10/2022 22:10

How can you forget how to cook a roast ?

Glitteratitar · 03/10/2022 22:12

So you snapped at him and are now upset he reacted to you snapping by getting annoyed himself.

Whilst he’s obviously stressed about this mysterious illness.

You both need to act like the grown ups you’re meant to be.

Original poster
Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:12

bellsbuss · 03/10/2022 22:10

How can you forget how to cook a roast ?

I just got the timing wrong for when to put the carrots in the oven and put them in too early. It’s been 6 months and carrots start to go quick.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 03/10/2022 22:13

I'd go upstairs calmly OP and ask him if he's ok and wants to talk about things. He's clearly more worried than he's letting on. If he doesn't, say you'll discuss it tomorrow and give him a hug.

He's been a bit of a dick, but if it's totally out of character I'd say he's stressed. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but if this is a one off I'd give him the benefit of the doubt here and ask if he needs a hug.

justasking111 · 03/10/2022 22:13

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:07

As I’m being asked this a lot, he asked for the roast dinner. I didn’t guilt him in to it, I didn’t make him something he didn’t want, are you guys really attacking me for cooking a meal for him because it was the wrong meal? How about, I’m cooking him 3 meals a day right now and trying to think of variety of meat and veg he can eat so he doesn’t get fed up? I also didn’t force him to help, I just asked if he would be able to and when I said no I actually told him not to worry and he was the one who changed his mind.

I don’t think he’s actually asleep @NeverCleanAgain , he was lay on his phone when I went up with some laundry earlier.

What upset me wasn’t the carrots but the way he reacted and how he’s been since. I also never blamed him for the carrots, not sure where some of you are getting that from, he blamed me for doing it wrong?!

I’ve never been in this situation, so sorry if the bed thing sounds weird but we always sort stuff out well before it’s gone on this long over bigger stuff than this. I don’t know why people usually sleep in different beds or what leads to it, and what the “right” thing to do here is.

@coffeeandpoetry He’s had a stomach upset for a few weeks, not months. he handled a burger (that he wanted) totally fine the other night. I didn’t have a go at him, he started telling me I was doing everything weird.

@Avidreader69 only what I said in the OP, I just said “do you want to cook?”. It was a flippant response to him trying to tell me I was doing everything weird, just felt a bit harsh to start pulling me up on my cooking skills.

the only thing I said about the carrots was “oh no the carrots are burning”. That was it, I didn’t go on about it. I get it, roast carrots are easy, but I screwed the carrots up because I put them in too early. It’s not a big deal but I’d really appreciate people not getting caught up telling me how easy carrots are and I shouldn’t have needed his help. 🙄 sometimes stuff goes wrong, we’re all human, and usually we rely on DH to support us when things go wrong not fight us over it. Why did I offer if I was out of practice? Because he asked for it and I wanted to do something nice to try and make him feel better. More fool me.

I agree, gravy takes minutes, he’d been stirring it for 10 and it wasn’t ready, other stuff was going to burn if I didn’t put it out and our kitchen is too small to store it elsewhere, was it really so bad to ask how much longer it would be so I knew if I could start putting everything else out?

I’m working full time and he knows I’m having a particularly hard time right now at work, I’m cooking him 3 meals a day, it just felt a bit unreasonable for him to complain that the way I was cooking was wrong and then huff all night about it and not talk to me.

Gave up counting how many times in this post you've used the words .

I - IM - ME. Think about it

Original poster
Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:13

Glitteratitar · 03/10/2022 22:12

So you snapped at him and are now upset he reacted to you snapping by getting annoyed himself.

Whilst he’s obviously stressed about this mysterious illness.

You both need to act like the grown ups you’re meant to be.

He snapped at me telling me I was doing everything weird, and I snapped back asking if he wanted to cook instead. I agree, minor. I absolutely wouldn’t have thrown something, refused to eat the meal and sat upstairs for 4 hours afterwards though.

OP posts:
TheSausageKingofChicago · 03/10/2022 22:16

Leave him be. This is one of those stupid rows that happen when people are tired and stressed. Put some foil over his plate and leave it in the fridge for him and crack on with your evening.

If he’s asleep, he probably needs to be. Get in bed with him as usual, and I reckon it will have blown over in the morning.

Quick cuddle before work, chat tomorrow evening to find out what’s worrying him, but I’d bet it’s his health and he’s feeling frustrated. Long term illness affects your confidence and a lot of men aren’t good at expressing that.

maddiemookins16mum · 03/10/2022 22:18

Blix · 03/10/2022 21:16

You are both being a bit dramatic over a simple roast dinner.

This. To be honest I think this is more than a tiff over carrots.

Original poster
Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:18

justasking111 · 03/10/2022 22:13

Gave up counting how many times in this post you've used the words .

I - IM - ME. Think about it

Show quote history

Weirdly because I’m the one seemingly being interrogated for cooking my DH the wrong meal despite it being what he asked for, and for some bizarre reason, defending myself over how I got the timing of roast carrots wrong?

I was after advice on how to handle the situation with DH, not tips to be successful on the next masterchef.

OP posts:
PutYourBackIntoit · 03/10/2022 22:18

Buy some Bisto

Original poster
Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:21

PutYourBackIntoit · 03/10/2022 22:18

Buy some Bisto

It was bisto 😂 just mixed with some stock from the beef instead of all water.

OP posts:
WinOutdoors · 03/10/2022 22:21

Eliza667 · 03/10/2022 22:18

Weirdly because I’m the one seemingly being interrogated for cooking my DH the wrong meal despite it being what he asked for, and for some bizarre reason, defending myself over how I got the timing of roast carrots wrong?

I was after advice on how to handle the situation with DH, not tips to be successful on the next masterchef.

Show quote history

You've said he's ill and this is out of character and people have told you how to handle it. Go and be kind to him, stop making it such a drama.

The man must be some sort of saint normally, if the two of you don't usually go to bed upset with each other.

ColourMeExhausted · 03/10/2022 22:22

He's out of order OP. Ill or not, he's stropped off like a child and you're owed an apology. Not sure why others are being so rude about it?