DH refused dinner over a carrot, 3 hour+ sulk

[Eliza667]

DH has been unwell for a few weeks. His stomach won’t take rich foods but he agreed a roast dinner would be ok as it’s just meat, vegetables and gravy really.

I haven’t made one all summer and was stressing trying to remember the timings. Near the end I asked if he could help, but he said he wasn’t feeling well, I said don’t worry and went to do it myself (I’d asked if he could cut the meat and finish the gravy). He then started talking to me from the other room, extractor fan going so I had to keep walking back to the other room to hear him, whilst trying not to let stuff burn. He said he’d come in and help in a minute, so I thought great, he’s well enough to help a bit.

When he comes in he’s making the gravy and I ask how long till it’s ready, he’s just giving awkward answers like “I don’t know” rather than having a best guess. I need to get in the oven as the roasted carrots are burning, and he starts telling me I should have put tin foil on them before they got to that stage and saying to me that I was doing everything weird. At that point I admit I got fed up and asked if he wanted to cook instead. I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit.

He threw the utensil he was holding across the room and stormed off swearing, saying to throw his in the bin, that was 3 hours ago and he’s still in bed. I finished cooking, put his out and went upstairs to tell him it was ready and he just said he wasn’t hungry. It’s still on the plate.

AIBU that this is a severe over reaction (ill or not) and is also massively disrespectful to not even eat the food I’d spent effort on? I’ve cleaned up in the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, sorted the pets, been to the shop to buy food for his lunch, and he’s still in bed and hasn’t said a word to me. Am I in the wrong that much for snapping about the carrots and the tin foil? I’m starting to think there’s something else going on with him to react in this way.

[purplethings]

He's Ill with undiagnosed illness so probably worried. He's not got an appetite. Your idea to make a roast was well Intentioned but it seems like you expected him to come and save the meal and sort out the timings, which probably felt like a lot for a meal he probably didn't want to eat anyway.
I'd let it go and be kind

[WinOutdoors]

He's been completely unreasonable and I expect he knows it and that why he hasn't reappeared, but being ill with an undiagnosed mystery illness must be very worrying and none of us are at our best when stressed.

The roast did seem unnecessarily difficult. It seems like you offered it rather than he asked for it?

[maddiesmam]

Put the roast dinner in the fridge, if he doesn't eat it then you have it for your tea tomorrow and let him sort his self out. And stop going out and buying him food for his lunches.

[Eliza667]

I’d give it the benefit of the doubt and go with that @purplethings if he hadn’t said he had wanted a roast, and his appetite has been fine for days now, just limited on types of food he can safely eat. I didn’t want him to “save” the meal, and didn’t ask for help with the timings, I just wanted him to carve the meat and stir the gravy. I screwed the carrots up but I would have let that go as a side effect of not making a roast for 6 months, it was him who decided to tell me I was doing everything weird and telling me what I should be doing instead. I didn’t ask him to tell me all the things I was doing wrong.

If he doesn’t want certain foods, (e.g. if when we bought the stuff he did but now he’s changed his mind) he needs to tell me the truth not let me spend hours of my time prepping and cooking it just for it to go to waste. The stuff would have kept.

What do I do if he’s still in bed when I want to go to bed? We’ve NEVER gone to bed on an argument before, I’ve got work in the morning and will have to leave early with no time to sort this out before I go, which is dragging in on to 24 hours at that point.. do I try and talk to him or hold me ground? Do I give in and sleep in the spare room? I’ve seriously never been in this situation with him before.

[NeverCleanAgain]

You’ll have to go to bed on an argument. Waking someone asleep up to settle an argument when they’re already ill and in a sulk (justifiably or not) isn’t going to end happily.

[NeverCleanAgain]

It’s an argument over carrots ffs. Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, it sounds like he was being a dramatic twat. It’s hardly relationship ending though, is it? Talk about it tomorrow after work once you’ve both realised how silly it is.

[Getofftheladder]

@Eliza667

He’s been on antibiotics and is having more tests done. They don’t know yet. :( I feel for him but at the same time its like he’s taking his frustration at still being ill out on me. He’s not usually like this.

He’s not usually like this.

has he been googling and stressing himself out?

I’ve had months of stomach issues, and honestly I can’t describe how utterly exhausting it is. Doesn’t excuse being snippy, but bigger picture here, sounds like he’s struggling.

[Floralnomad]

Talk about over dramatic , why would you sleep in the spare room , just get into bed like normal . Your husband sounds like he has issues be it his illness or something else and you sound like a drama llama . Roast is one of the easiest meals to do , I really can’t imagine why anyone needs help with it .

[WinOutdoors]

You've said he's never normally like this and he's been quite ill with something undiagnosed.

You and get into bed. Tell him he acted like an arse, but you understand he's unwell and worried, does he want to talk about it.

[diddl]

It seems a bit of 6 of one & half a dozen of the other tbh.

If you were then & saw him doing the gravy then you've probably got as much idea as him as to when it would be ready.

He has obviously overreacted very badly, but it seems a bloody great fuss about a roast!

[FurAndFeathers]

tbh if it’s an otherwise good relationship and this is totally out of character I’d go for conciliatory/concerned approach not be teaching him a lesson about snapping in the kitchen.

I’d approach him with something like “look you were clearly upset last night and it’s worried me. We both know you wouldn’t be that upset over burned carrots. I love you, Do you want to tell me what’s worrying you?”

[Twillow]

I have lived with abusive behaviour from an ex, throwing things and sulking etc, but if this is unusual behaviour from him I would take it as a sign of his health and anxiety about it. Doesn't make it easy to live with, but take tomorrow as a fresh start?

[RJnomore1]

Excellent, you’ve got your dinner plated up for tomorrow and toast is gentle for his stomach isn’t it.

[Cw112]

He's a grown man, if he wants to sulk and not eat his dinner that's up to him Id let him get on with it. I'd put his plate in tupperware in the fridge and throw it if he doesn't eat it. You've said this is really unusual behaviour for him so I'd be inclined to put it down to him feeling unwell and maybe worried about his health but I'd also want him to come back to you in his own time and apologise and recognise that throwing things and storming off is not an acceptable way to treat you regardless of how he's feeling. If he doesn't come to that himself I'd wait until he's feeling better and then I'd sit down with him and talk about that. It's fine to be angry and some people don't make great patients but throwing things is a hard no for me.

[FurAndFeathers]

@Eliza667

I’d give it the benefit of the doubt and go with that @purplethings if he hadn’t said he had wanted a roast, and his appetite has been fine for days now, just limited on types of food he can safely eat. I didn’t want him to “save” the meal, and didn’t ask for help with the timings, I just wanted him to carve the meat and stir the gravy. I screwed the carrots up but I would have let that go as a side effect of not making a roast for 6 months, it was him who decided to tell me I was doing everything weird and telling me what I should be doing instead. I didn’t ask him to tell me all the things I was doing wrong.

If he doesn’t want certain foods, (e.g. if when we bought the stuff he did but now he’s changed his mind) he needs to tell me the truth not let me spend hours of my time prepping and cooking it just for it to go to waste. The stuff would have kept.

What do I do if he’s still in bed when I want to go to bed? We’ve NEVER gone to bed on an argument before, I’ve got work in the morning and will have to leave early with no time to sort this out before I go, which is dragging in on to 24 hours at that point.. do I try and talk to him or hold me ground? Do I give in and sleep in the spare room? I’ve seriously never been in this situation with him before.

Don’t sleep in the spare room!
thats weird

honestly the whole roast dinner stress is a bit weird.
don’t dramatise it further!

[coffeeandpoetry]

This is ridiculous behaviour from you. He's been struggling for months with illness, you've decided to cook a big meal all on your own (which he probably doesn't want anyway, with his stomach troubles), you then ask him to come and help because you inevitably can't do it by yourself, then when you burnt the carrots YOU had a go at HIM

I can see why he's fucked off with it tbh

[Avidreader69]

I’d been trying really hard to get everything right but I was months out of practice and felt attacked so snapped a bit

How much did you snap? It sounds like an overreaction on his part but I think we're only hearing your side of the story.
The main issue is that your DH has been unwell for months. It sounds as if he's worried that he might be seriously ill, and that is bound to affect his behaviour. Can you talk to him when you're both calmer and find out what's behind his temper outburst? Something is obviously upsetting him, it's not about a roast dinner.

[CuriousCatfish]

You both sound like drama llamas. Cooking a roast dinner is not that difficult or stressful. He shouldn't have kicked off over carrots.

[HangOnToYourself]

Trying to be objective it sounds like he might have felt a bit harassed by you asking him questions and going on about the carrots and he lost his temper. I've overreacted when in pain and frustrated, we are human and we arent always perfect. However for me I would be extremely pissed off about him holding onto it and sulking. He has had plenty of time to calm down and reflect.

[minidancer]

What coffeesandpoetry said........a roast dinner isn't really that hard. You sound hard work. You decided to cook the meal (with good intentions) then roped him in to help when he's obviously ill and worried. Surely gravy takes a matter of minutes? Did you really need an ETA on it? That would have pissed me off too. Have you got kids? Sounds childish and a bit self-centred to me

[Rosebel]

Even if he is ill and worried it's no excuse. My DH is having problems with his stomach and is being tested for various things, he's worried it's cancer as that's how his dad's cancer started.
Yes, he does snap sometimes. He doesn't sulk for 3 hours or throw tantrums.
If he's worried he should talk to you not act like a 2 year old.
Leave him to sulk. When he's apologised properly for being a dick talk to him and find out whats going on. The way he's reacted is not on.

[justasking111]

He's been ill for a while I think he's scared that it's cancer. I've been in his shoes waiting for tests living on the bland diet. It's quietly terrifying.

[Montymorency]

how would you actually burn carrots

[idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb]

Did he ask for the roast dinner or did you suggest it? If I wasn't feeling well I wouldn't want to be made to feel bad for not helping out on a dinner I didn't really care for just because you got yourself stressed out. I think you're in the wrong here.

[PortalooSunset]

@Blix

You are both being a bit dramatic over a simple roast dinner.

Absolutely this.