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Original poster

To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

226 replies

dreamland96 · 03/10/2022 14:09

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

OP posts:
Whoneedsleep · 04/10/2022 09:28

There’s 0 chance either of my kids (1 and 6) would be heading off for 2 weeks with someone they barely see and I’m a pretty relaxed parent!

IhateHermioneGranger · 04/10/2022 09:33

I would worry that he wouldn't bring her back. It does happen.

WhiteFire · 04/10/2022 09:42

I would give the same advice whatever country the father was from. The fact that this is a totally uninvolved father who is refusing to allow the mother to be there too is not adding any positive slant.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 09:55

@DoubtmyselfI am struggling to see the relevance of your posts, OP has not made a single reference to race or culture (including her own!), and the child's heritage is academic at their current age. At 1 yr old the priority is care, safety and continuity from their primary caregiver - not to be flown to a strange environment for 2 weeks with someone who is at best a passing visitor in their life, to be handed around like some trophy to a group of strangers because of some perceived "right" that they have to be introduced to the child. Not one single cultural expectation supersedes the needs of the child - not one.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2022 10:04

OMFG no! I'd be scared of her never coming back!!! 😖

44PumpLane · 04/10/2022 10:06

I would genuienly fear he would not bring your child back......do not allow this!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 04/10/2022 10:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 10:12

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Oh come on - I am 100% behind the OP in her not wanting the child to go, but why on earth did you bring up FGM? You do know that FGM is centered around Africa and the Middle East?

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 10:20

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 09:55

@DoubtmyselfI am struggling to see the relevance of your posts, OP has not made a single reference to race or culture (including her own!), and the child's heritage is academic at their current age. At 1 yr old the priority is care, safety and continuity from their primary caregiver - not to be flown to a strange environment for 2 weeks with someone who is at best a passing visitor in their life, to be handed around like some trophy to a group of strangers because of some perceived "right" that they have to be introduced to the child. Not one single cultural expectation supersedes the needs of the child - not one.

If you don't see the relevance why a black man of Jamacian heritage wants his black child to see family in Jamacia, then I'm not going to explain it to you @inigomontoyahwillcox

The passing visitor is the father, the strange enviroment is the country of the childs heritage, the group of strangers is the childs family,

no unconscious bias in that statement or on this thread, lol!!

Show me where I write OP should let father take the child? But the bigger picture is a black child needs to be nurtured with knowledge of their heritage, as long as the OP is aware of this.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 04/10/2022 10:26

At a year old the dc won't give a fuck about heritage and family. Only that it's dm isn't there... How is it on the dc's best interests? It isn't.
And his family there have no rights to meet the dc either.

FilthyforFirth · 04/10/2022 10:28

Nope. I would never let my 1 year old be away from me for 2 weeks and I am still married to their dad. They cannot understand at that age and there is no way to explain to them. It would be extremely cruel.

If you fancy a trip to Jamaica and are keen for her to know her dads side of the family, then take her yourself and let him have her a few hours a day etc.

If you understandably dont want to do that it is a big fat nope from me.

35965a · 04/10/2022 10:28

God no

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 10:31

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 10:12

Oh come on - I am 100% behind the OP in her not wanting the child to go, but why on earth did you bring up FGM? You do know that FGM is centered around Africa and the Middle East?

Show quote history

As a black person of Jamaican heritage , some of the remarks on this thread are fucking ridiculous.

The dad is an asshole for expecting his ex to agree with this, but I could understand why he's asking, she should say no, but painting him as a child abducter, I mean for fucks sake....get a grip.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 10:37

@Doubtmyself I don't disagree that a child of mixed heritage should be introduced/educated/exposed/involved in both heritages; I myself have a child of mixed heritage (my ExH is her dad) - I try to expose her to his culture often, and it is celebrated in our household (I am the primary caregiver, he sees her every 3 weeks).

But culture/heritage is irrelevant to this thread; any longer-term plan on making sure the child is included in both their cultures (and this is a big assumption, for all we know OP may also be Jamaican!) is superseded by the baby's immediate needs.

Comedycook · 04/10/2022 10:38

The parents aren't together, the father has shown little interest in the child, the father has family in another country, the father wants to take the child to that country, the father refuses to allow the mother to travel as well. There's red flags all over this. I'd be saying that whatever the country was

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 10:40

umm @Doubtmyself why did you quote my remark about FGM? Was that a mistake? I was saying that the person who raised FGM as an issue was wrong in doing so?!

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 10:46

@Doubtmyself I agree with your general points about immersion in the other half of the child's heritage and family. So the father has two choices:

Either he bridges the cultural gap you mention and becomes a very hands-on father so he can start building up the relationship, competence and trust to eventually be allowed to travel with his child to Jamaica.

Or he takes OP up on her generous offer for her to travel out with the baby, so she remains present as the primary caregiver and is the one mediating contact with his family to begin with. This would allow them all to get know each other better; let OP reassure herself that all is well leaving babe with his family when older; and ensure his family is crystal clear that she is the child's mother.

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 10:49

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 10:46

@Doubtmyself I agree with your general points about immersion in the other half of the child's heritage and family. So the father has two choices:

Either he bridges the cultural gap you mention and becomes a very hands-on father so he can start building up the relationship, competence and trust to eventually be allowed to travel with his child to Jamaica.

Or he takes OP up on her generous offer for her to travel out with the baby, so she remains present as the primary caregiver and is the one mediating contact with his family to begin with. This would allow them all to get know each other better; let OP reassure herself that all is well leaving babe with his family when older; and ensure his family is crystal clear that she is the child's mother.

Agree!

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 10:52

@Stravaig well said

LizTrussIsACylon · 04/10/2022 10:53

You need to make a passport application for her today before he can and get a marker put on it to prevent her from being taken out of the country without your permission.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 04/10/2022 10:53

@Doubtmyself, @inigomontoyahwillcox was saying that the other poster talking about fgm was being daft and that it was not a possibility, they weren’t the one suggesting it was

Characterbuilding · 04/10/2022 10:59

Just my thoughts as a divorced Black woman of Jamaican heritage. Firstly no one takes my baby far away from me for an extended period of time without me there.

I had plans to take the kids on holiday a few years back with my Ex. For various reasons I pulled out. My youngest was the age of OP’s baby, she stayed with me and my ex didn’t question it. He took the older kids.

Secondly (from my perspective) the heritage issue is an everyday part of life and the responsibility of the black parent. But a holiday at age one is not a pivotal part of this. Does the father know how to do the child’s hair (and do it)? Does he provide Jamaican food and talk about family and his life growing up? This was a natural part of my mixed race children's development.

Black fathers with mixed race children need to undertake this. Even more so if the resident parent is a white. It’s really difficult territory for mixed race kids to navigate otherwise. Dad is already negligent in this due to his lack of contact with said child.

Regarding abduction, this would not cross my mind. Jamaican people are very family orientated. I’m generalising but abducting the child would be viewed as disgraceful. The position of the mother is highly regarded in Jamaica.

FGM??? Lord do you honestly just think any "non white" custom is practiced by every other person of colour on the planet? We don’t and never have done that.

Provided the other parent is responsible and sane, OP’s child can visit Jamaica when older. For now regardless of anything else baby need to be with mum.

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 10:59

inigomontoyahwillcox · 04/10/2022 10:40

umm @Doubtmyself why did you quote my remark about FGM? Was that a mistake? I was saying that the person who raised FGM as an issue was wrong in doing so?!

I was agreeing with you, if you click 'see more' on the quote, I was in agreement with your reposone to the FGM comment.

Some of the remarks on this thread are fucking ridiculous, and this is connected to culture/heritage, its the probable (misguided) motivation of OP's partner.

Many of the posts here show a complete lack of awareness of the larger picture here, that this may be a black child with little contact of heritage, which will be essential for child in later life. Its not OP's fault Dad is not stepping up beyond some weekly show for a few hours, and its not acceptable for him to expect she hands over baby so he can show relatives back home, but the unconscious bias shown on this thread is a good example why a black child needs a connection to their heritage in the bigger picture.

This is something that is more obvious to a black person than white.

Doubtmyself · 04/10/2022 11:01

Characterbuilding · 04/10/2022 10:59

Just my thoughts as a divorced Black woman of Jamaican heritage. Firstly no one takes my baby far away from me for an extended period of time without me there.

I had plans to take the kids on holiday a few years back with my Ex. For various reasons I pulled out. My youngest was the age of OP’s baby, she stayed with me and my ex didn’t question it. He took the older kids.

Secondly (from my perspective) the heritage issue is an everyday part of life and the responsibility of the black parent. But a holiday at age one is not a pivotal part of this. Does the father know how to do the child’s hair (and do it)? Does he provide Jamaican food and talk about family and his life growing up? This was a natural part of my mixed race children's development.

Black fathers with mixed race children need to undertake this. Even more so if the resident parent is a white. It’s really difficult territory for mixed race kids to navigate otherwise. Dad is already negligent in this due to his lack of contact with said child.

Regarding abduction, this would not cross my mind. Jamaican people are very family orientated. I’m generalising but abducting the child would be viewed as disgraceful. The position of the mother is highly regarded in Jamaica.

FGM??? Lord do you honestly just think any "non white" custom is practiced by every other person of colour on the planet? We don’t and never have done that.

Provided the other parent is responsible and sane, OP’s child can visit Jamaica when older. For now regardless of anything else baby need to be with mum.

Said a lot more eloquently than I @Characterbuilding

Agree with every word.