To not want to send my 1 year old abroad for 2 weeks without me

[dreamland96]

I am not with the father of my child, our daughter is 1 and he wants to take her to Jamaica for 2 weeks. The thought of this horrifies me and I have said no. He is extremely angry about this and is accusing me of not letting him have a relationship with our daughter. Just interested to see what other people's views are and if you would allow this.

Just to add, since she's been born, he only drops in to see her once a week for a few hours, sometimes even less frequently than that. There was a time when almost a month had gone by and he hadn't seen her, so I don't really think she has that much of a strong bond with him.

Sorry not ‘my three kids’ - they’re not my kids just to be clear

@Doubtmyself also I know plenty of black men - both African and West Indian backgrounds- who are full on hands on dads changing nappies, one is even a SAHD to twins, etc so I don’t think your post makes any sense in that that regard

It’s very common. It happened to a friend of mine some years back father took small child to visit family grandmother and he plotted and she was left with his mother. Very hard to sort out had to use influential pressures it took over a year to get child back. That was a story which ended well many don’t.

This would be ringing alarm bells for me! You have offered a compromise and go too but he said no?! Why doesn’t he want you there OP? I would be very, very wary of him.

Nope nope nope, and nope. 1 year olds don't leave their main caregiver for 2 weeks. Dad or not, hell no.

Defend him, blue eyes?

Where have I defended him, I posted what could be going on.

And what the fuck has Morocco got to do with Jamaica ?? Or are all dark people the same to you?

We went on holiday to see family in Jamaica when I was a child. My aunt wanted to me to stay behind, “to bring me up properly”. It’s traditional to farm out kids to family members. My father himself spent time living with his aunt as a child, but luckily for me he didn’t cave in to family pressure and I didn’t stay.

It’s a no from me.

I was talking about Jamaican culture, African and West Indian black men are not one homogenous group for fucks sake.

Who cares if he's getting flack from family? The child is 1, they won't learn anything about their heritage at that age. If he wants to be an involved dad, he can start that in the U.K. If he really wanted to introduce the child to her relatives, he would have accepted OP offer that she goes to. It's a reasonable request.
OP apply for the passport and lock it up as others have suggested. You don't need to allow your 1 year old to go with a stranger, which is what he will be to her at that age with his lack of involvement.

@Doubtmyself obviously but it’s pretty clear from your post you were making this a ‘black vs white ‘ thing and saying the baby here can’t appreciate her black heritage unless mum lets her be taken to Jamaica aged 1 with a guy she doesn’t even know

and be real we know that culture you’re talking about pervades across many other parts of the West Indies too

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

When my baby was a few months old we got on a plane to see relatives 'back home'. Do you think Grandparents , Aunts and Uncles have no right to see a new baby.

I'm not saying OP should give in to her ex demands, but for people with lots of relatives abroad, its perfectly normal.

Not in your DD's interests at this age and with such limited contact so far. YANBU. I agree about getting her passport.

I am a white mother of non white Dc.

We are not all oblivious of the challenges, explicit and nuanced, of being mixed race with a white primary care giver, and in society at large.

Cultural connection is important. My Dc have been on visits ‘back home’ since they were 8 months, and every other year. Immersed in the language, religion and love of the other side of their family.

But the OP’s question is about separation from the mother, aged one, for two whole weeks, with a man who has never looked after her.

Babies of all colours and heritages Corrie be the same separation anxiety and trauma. That is what the OP and most of the answers are about.

The OP is not trying to cut him or his family off. She and other PP suggested SUPPORTING the connection by accompanying the child.

Yes, family and cultural connection is important. Not many would deny that. Actually.

@Doubtmyself I was taken at 6 wks to see my mums parents abroad on a long plane ride. Totally fine and very common occurrence. Because I was with my mum and dad who I saw every day I was happy and secure. My mum and dad were and still are together as well, but hell would have frozen over before my dad took me without her and she let me out of her sight , which is completely normal for the mum of a baby surely you understand that as a parent ?

I have a 3 month old and I don’t even like DP taking her to his mums without me for more than a couple of hours, I message him to see what she is doing and how she is! 🙈

*When my baby was a few months old we got on a plane to see relatives 'back home'. Do you think Grandparents , Aunts and Uncles have no right to see a new baby.

I'm not saying OP should give in to her ex demands, but for people with lots of relatives abroad, its perfectly normal.*

Did your partner spend time with your child? Did you go to? Did you trust your partner knew what he was doing with the baby? They can see the new baby, either by coming here or OP can go there. As he is saying no to that request, OP should make it a straight no to him taking the child.

Jesus....If I got a penny every time a white person tells me I'm making it a black and white thing when I talk about my experience....

I never said , baby here can’t appreciate her black heritage unless mum lets her be taken to Jamaica aged 1 with a guy she doesn’t even know'

I actually said, 'OP are you white, and is the father black? If this is the case, the child needs to find out about its heritage, as a mixed baby in the UK, the baby will be viewed as black, a whole side of its culture you wont be able to fill.'

This is a lifetime thing, I personally think OP shouldn't let the 12 month go, but she needs to be open to the fact (if she's white) she has a black baby that will ask her questions about her culture, and will come home one day from school because someone has called a N__R. That's the reality Blue Eyes,

When you say, 'and be real we know that culture you’re talking about pervades across many other parts of the West Indies too ' Then you're agreeing that men are reticent to participate with young babies then in certain cultures?? You're contradicting yourself now....🤔

Do you think Grandparents , Aunts and Uncles have no right to see a new baby.

OP has said nothing of the kind. But no, they don't have a 'right'. However, OP understands they would like to, so she has offered to go on the trip to make it happen. He said no.

But mostly, the real or imagnined 'rights' of grandparents and aunts to see a baby should take a back seat to the needs of the baby. In this case, a long haul flight to spend two weeks with a father she is not close to, away from her main caregiver doesn't sound like what's best for this 1yo. If they really cared about the baby, they'd understand this and wait. Or come over to visit.

Absolutely not. Also get her a passport as quickly as you can and keep it close.

I’d tell him he can take her when she’s 18 if she wants to go with him.

P.S my kids went in visits from babyhood WITH ME. And their Dad. Once they were older, they did go just with him and I would join later.

Oh, and a fully hands on Dad, born in a country well and truly colonised…

My partner and I are married very happily, we were back then, we are now. Complete different circumstance, that's why I said (not saying OP should give in to her ex demands)

This. Even if you feel like its over reacting, apply for passport - its one way of finding out if he has already applied, discuss with the Health Visitor so that there is a record of your concern ( get her to put the inadvisability of the separation in writing if he won't take your word for it} get legal advice ( a consultation shouldn't be too much) and also check that tip about dual nationality from a pp.
If you are over reacting, you don't have to tell him that you've take advice, apart from health visitor, but if you are not over reacting it might just prevent a very difficult situation.
In any case, he's not thinking of her feelings at being separated from their main carer at that age and you would spend two weeks of worrying.
If these actions re assure you, maybe there is a compromise, that he starts the occasional overnight when she is ready.

What rights do aunties, gps have to see a baby? They have no rights. In a loving family you'd of course want there to be a relationship, but it's daft to talk of rights in this regard - especially if exercising the right involves a long journey to another county with only the non-primary parent.

@Doubtmyself I’m agreeing with you that yes SOME men from certain cultures are, and obviously the dad of OP’s baby is one of them. However I’m saying it is not and should not be a ‘given’ thing. Many many men from places where this is prevalent are NOT. And many white British men or Scandinavian men or whatever, from places where ‘equal’ parenting is promoted, are useless, hands off and pathetically uninvolved ! As we see on MN every day 🤦‍♀️

No way would I let this happen.

Because its all about the relatives being number one concern, and zero concern about the baby’s needs and the very important mother and baby bond. To be the father you need to first and foremost respect your child’s main bond and work around this. Not bulldoze through it.

My Ex suggested several times this kind of thing - having our young baby or child for 2, 3 weeks at a time despite not spending more than a couple of hours at a time himself - all about the relatives and a lot about ‘ownership’ and not really getting the importance of stability, routine in a young child’s life. I was called all sorts of names but now I realise that the relatives our young child would have spend several days with, overnight, have also some real red flags for not supervising kids and all kinds of health and safety nightmares.

Young kids are not toys.