Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

@neilyoungismyhero Well, DD1 is better off because of a combined income (hers and her DH's) so I'm not sure whether her DH would agree to that? It's tricky.

DH and I sometimes paid for family meals when we went out with his siblings, but after a few occasions, we realized it was becoming an (unaffordable) expectation. Sometimes it's better not to go there!

I do have a certain amount of sympathy for your older dd. Chances are they both had the same upbringing and opportunities, and chances are she's worked hard to get where she is, as has her dh. However she sees you helping her ds out and not offering the same to her. Especially when it comes to things like holidays and money, it can be very emotive. She's coming across as selfish, but actually she probably feels quite hurt and upset. Might feel that she's being penalised for working hard and having a successful career whilst her ds has chosen to work part time and gets the family handouts.

My parents would ask me to contribute towards things for my brother, I started work at 16 and worked my arse off, he went to uni, went travelling and decided he didn't want to join the 'rat race'. Used to piss me right off to be asked to contribute towards things like holidays for him. Especially as it was his choices that put him in that situation. I'd worked really had and put the time and effort into my job, he chose a different path and my parents decided he should be financially rewarded for his decisions and me not so.

I don’t like the attitude of your eldest op but I think you have caused the sibling rivalry in this instance by breakibg the most basic rule of parenting: which is to treat your offspring exactly the same regardless of income and circumstances and give the same amount of money and attention to each. Obviously there will be emergency situations where this cannot apply but where you can help it, I think it’s really important to stick to it!

No one is mentioning the fact it’s holiday in question! A luxury! Not financial help to better DD2 circumstances if that was the case DM should help 100%. How will this really benefit DD2 and her child in the long run. It won’t it will enable.

Lordy me if you haven't "bonded" by the time your kids have kids themselves, I think you've left it just a little bit late 🙄

Pondering this on the dash to the train...

We have a similar income to your DD1 in a cheap part of the country so financially we're quite comfortable. But fuck me, we're time poor. We never stop, we're never fully on top of things and we never fully relax - and we're far from the busiest in our circle of friends.

I'm guessing OP you support your dd2 in a thousand little ways you don't even see. My mum doesn't live nearby but I know full well that if she did childcare for us she'd be cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry and all the rest. We wouldn't be dashing out of work with things half finished because 17:55 Vs 18:05 would make zero difference, and if we were held up our DC would be comfortable at home rather than overstimulated at nursery. Your DD1 may well see all of those little things you do to help dd2, and I wouldn't blame her for feeling resentful at times.

OP if you're still reading please have a proper conversation with your daughter, and be open to what she has to say.

I think divide the cost of the holiday equally. If you decide to pay towards your second DD portion that’s up to you. To be fair to everyone- why should anyone be penalised for doing well but you can help someone that is struggling. This way everyone starts at the same level. (I’ve been both sides of the successful/unsuccessful child!)

My parents are very generous with us 3 kids. My brother and sister have children I don't, they've taken them all on holiday before, I wasn't invited and it was fine. They've given time and money for their kids, again its fine. They've been very generous to me in other ways.

YANBU to support where you can and how you think is fair. I'm sorry that it's come back and bitten you.

I was thinking of exactly this cartoon when I read OP's post, but couldn't;t find it - thank you.

There is a difference between treating people fairly and treating them equally.

reading your post and updates it seems like your second daughter is more deserving because she earns less. This will of course lead to resentment and jealousy because it isn’t about money but time.

you may not be able to offer both childcare but you should ensure that you have time to value your relationship with your older daughter and grandchildren.

I can see why she is hurt, it’s not about the money but everyone (apart from the daughter) will make it about the money because that’s easier.

if you do favour your younger daughter fair enough (although don’t get that), but resentment will grow further if you keep harping on about salaries. Both daughters have made decisions and life choices and their outcomes are very different, you should celebrate the successes of both and provide support when things don’t work as well.

you need to be fair, that doesn’t mean equal.

This makes such sad reading , I am basically dd2 In comparison with dd1 being my sister, she went to uni got an amazing job bought a house met a man with a great job they now rent his house out are very well off and have 1 child, I didn’t go to uni have an ok job that I’m happy with do 30 hours with a small uc top up, own my house now after years of renting, have 3 children and I’m a single parent for the last 3 years after leaving a 6 year long abusive relationship. My older sister could not wish me any better in life she is my biggest fan, has never ever griped about the support my mum gives me with childcare or if she’s ever helped me financially buying my house etc and when my sister and mum wanted to go to Disney Florida for 3 weeks for mums 60th my sister actually said she knew that was totally not achievable for me and wouldn’t ever see me and kids miss out and so she and my mum together paid thousands for me to go with them which was just ridiculously kind. While we have a great life I am nowhere near as well off as her and she’s never ever made me feel and less for it. She pays childcare and doesn’t grudge my kids the time with their gran to save me on childcare costs. She literally is my best friend and couldn’t want any better for me or my kids in life. So from that perspective I think your dd is just not a nice person and it’s so sad she grudges her own sister support in life

I have two daughters, one of whom is in similar circumstances to the OP's eldest daughter. My younger daughter isn't a single mother but earns much less and rents her home with her partner as they cannot afford to buy. There is no way I would think of paying for the poorer daughter and as I can't afford to pay for everyone I wouldn't offer to pay at all. It would cause a dreadful family argument in any case, as the OP has found.

How embarrassing for you being their charity case! Maybe try and improve your own situation instead of taking from them constantly. Imagine allowing your sister to pay thousands for you to go to Disney! Plus, I think you’re looking for the word begrudge and not grudge.

I thought the exact same.

I am in a similar position and am the 'poorer' sister. My lovely richer sister never begrudges any help my parents give me. She loves me and can see how it can help. Our lifestyles will never be the same but it's never been an issue at all. We are very close.

I read somewhere that when adult siblings fight over parental money switch the word 'money' with the word 'love' because that is what they are fighting over.

I think I would love bomb her. Take her out for lunch on her own. tell you are are immensely proud of her and so happy that she has a wonderful, stable life with a good income, a marriage. But her sister has none of this. You can't afford to take everyone but you thought she would understand you subbing her sister who has no partner, no in-laws, no security, no spare cash. It doesn't mean you love her more. Not at all. It means she needs you more.

I've heard this before but I disagree to an extent. Lifeguards are trained to watch out for quiet drowning and remember that if someone is shouting out, they aren't necessarily worse.
In a family sometimes siblings take a back foot because they see their parents struggling to cope with the demands of other siblings. This can happen as you g children but also as adults. The parent likes to think that that child is doing fine,not because they intentionally favour one over the other, but it's often because it is hidden, and because they are only human and worry about their kids.
As the children grow and one child doesn't sort themselves out, resentment can grow.

I agree @User135792468

Actually how sad that you find the above 'embarrassing'. It is families helping and supporting and being kind and loving. You sound very bitter.

@Bethany7
No one needs a trip to Disney. Its not essential. I wouldn't take money from my sister, I would pay for myself or not go.

I’m not bitter. If the sister needed money to pay her rent or mortgage, put food on the table, buy clothes / shoes / school uniform, had an unexpected bill etc., then yes that is being supportive, kind and loving. Sponging thousands to go to Disney from family members and allowing the mum to work herself into the ground with childcare and financial support, is frankly embarrassing. The post was dripping with entitlement and expectation.

Wow. I would never, ever be so petty as your daughter!
If my family was earning 110k I’d be the first one to help my sister out in anyway possible!
Life isn’t fair and we can’t always help our circumstances but if I was in such a privileged situation and my sister wasn’t I could not get upset over family helping her financially.
Your DDs behaviour is appalling.

I don’t actually feel like a charity case at all and feel not a shred of embarrassment, I made it abundantly clear I was very happy for them all to go without me I wouldn’t grudge them a thing in life but they love me and my children so much they would never ever want us to not be part of that special family occasion. Other than that one holiday and using an inheritance to put a deposit down for a mortgage I am extremely independent and happy I ask for nothing so unsure where your getting that I take from them constantly? I have what to my capabilities is a good job in banking and work as many hours as physically possible. Unfortunately I cannot take your advice to better my life as Not only am I happy how it is but I am faced with many life road blocks now with a rare brain condition after having meningitis loosing my hearing and sight on my left side of my body and gradually loosing the power in my left arm, I do as best as I can given all life’s thrown at me and am extremely proud of my life. I’m a lot more embarrassed for you making such unkind statements to strangers on the internet than I am myself that’s for sure 🙂

YABU to call her selfish and greedy as that'll just re-enforce her opinion rightly or wrongly that you favour your other DD. As others have speculated, this could be about more than the holiday treat.

OP says DD1 was always the clever one so not equal from the start. DD2 had a child to an abusive man who doesn't help with the costs of raising a child - are you blaming her for that? So every woman who comes on MN with a partner who is abusive/controlling/violent you think that is their fault because they should have made a different decision?

And this is how families should be, my family are all about looking after each other as well! I couldn’t ever reset any of my siblings!