Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

Can't properly vote because the question doesn't actually match what the OP said.

If course she would be unreasonable to tell her DD1 that she is selfish

How can you say that based only on that information. If DD1 has worked hard and sacrificed to get a good job etc why should she subsidise her sister, who for all we know has taken easy options and relied on a parent to bail her out? We don't know

It’s not about the money it’s the constant prioritising of the younger siblings and her child.

why is she only working part time of her child is school age and you provide free childcare?

Did you basically drop dd1’s oldest child like a steaming turd the second dd2 needed help and her child arrived?

you don’t really mention dd1s other children either. Seems like dd2 and grandchild of dd2 are the favourites.

I think your DD needs to understand the difference between equality and equity

Your parents have gone to great lengths to ensure you feel supported, valued and loved, that clearly hasn’t happened here.

This is not about the money - or the holiday.

This is about op constantly favouring the younger child, and grandchild.
Pp that are still banging on about salaries and equity are spectacularly missing the point!

DD2 should be working full time like her hard working sister so she isn’t reduced to sponging from you op.

There's a big difference between taking a grandchild to the theatre once a year and providing regular childcare.
One is pretty much standard grandparent actions, costing, what, a one-off twenty-fifty quid?
The other is a huge favour that, if OP couldn't provide would have to be outsourced at a cost of thousands a year.

Not really comparable....

You know how the story will end though? OP will get old and frail. It'll be DD2 who cares for her in her old age. They'll be wishing DD1 was around to help with care and finances

But DD1 will have distanced herself and the grandchildren long ago.

So very sad but you read about it all the time 😔

I agree with DD1 here. I get DD2 struggles financially but it would annoy me if I was DD1. It definitely feels like favouritism to me.

Yes why can't she her a full time job?

*get

I think she feels that you are favouring the other daughter. This isn't about money. This is about hurt feelings.

I agree with this ^^. One of DH's sisters gets far more time, attention and financial support from her parents due to her problems. Everyone understands why, but it can be frustrating that the more "successful" ones are almost penalized sometimes.

Logically, of course your DD1 should pay for her own family on this holiday, but I'm guessing she's just sick of being treated differently to her sister. You need to make it up to her in other ways.

And it will be all dd1’s fault and how she’s nasty neglecting her poor mother while dd2 has to do it all with no help (enter pitty party)

with no recognition that it’s of her own making.

I mean off the cuff yes is sounds like your DD1 is being unreasonable.

But I agree, it feels like there's more to it. I would take an honest look at how they've been treated by you over the years.

Yes and fast forward DD2 will be complaining that she is left to do the old age care and bottom scrubbing and DD1 is nowhere to be seen! how many times have we seen this on here.

Dd1 having given up all hope of a healthy and fair relationship with her mother and sibling finding it all too toxic, distances herself and invests her time in equitable relationships outside of the family unit. I hope DD1 enjoys the freedom and independence that has been foisted on her and leaves DD2 to it!
DD2 will then finally have to work out how to adult responsibly when she doesn’t have DM to bail her out
It reminds me of the Prince Andrew situation.

I agree. Unless she wants to pour fuel on the fire.

But if DD1 didn't have a partner she would also be struggling to get by on her salary. As are a lot on a £60k salary.

I am sure the mother supported dd1 through university. But dd2 is likely not academic.

Couldn't agree more. Exactly what I said in one of my posts. She just has different concept of it, thinking all things should be split 50:50. OP should talk to DD1, me thinks, but without accusations "you're XYZ, greedy, selfish, etc.".

Your eldest and her dh work hard for what they have. I’m sure they have very high outgoings also. Ultimately, it’s about you funding your other daughter and not being equal. It doesn’t matter how much either has, treat them equally at all times, no matter what the age. Resentment will build towards you and the other sibling. It’s not your eldest daughters problem that her sibling has less money. If you then pay for the younger one, it’s not fair at all. You are the only one creating the issue here. Pick a destination that all can afford.

This. Your daughter is being selfish, but she probably hasn’t seen it from your perspective. Have an honest conversation with her and she should come around xx

Exactly what I was going to post.. from what the OP says they have a nice relationship - I'm quite sure that my better off children would contribute to their lesser well off siblings family holiday, especially if it was somewhere they've all wanted to go for a number of years.

Those spouting equality vs equity seem to miss the point spectacularly. They were given the same opportunities in childhood, they made different decisions and ended up in different positions. Op then favours the child whose life choices gave them a less favourable financial position.

@OhmygodDont exactly

I wonder if DD1 has ever posted a mumsnet thread about this from her POV.

Ya never know!!

My sister is the DD2 on this situation. When she had her first child, the first grandchild, she used her as a pawn in a stupid game that my parents fell for. My parents babysat her overnight, so my sister could get a break, when she was 2 weeks old. That started a routine of her going to my parents' every weekend for around 7yrs. My mum, also, had her every afternoon so my sister could work.

She was taken on holidays, weekends away, shopping trips, theme parks etc and once her brothers were born they went too.

My DH was in the forces so we lived an hour away when we initially had our 2 children. If I had an emergency there was always a reason why they couldn't help, even when I was in labour with DS2.

Fast forward a few years and I did confront my mother about all the holidays etc and was told to grow up and history was rewritten. From that day on they used to lie about the holidays but my middle nephew was shit at keeping secrets so it all used to come out.

11yrs ago I was having major surgery, again, so asked my mum if she'd come to my home for a couple of nights just to oversee my kids (they were teens then) because I was going to be in hospital 50miles away. She was busy. Well it came out she was taking my niece, her son, and my 2 nephews on a sunshine holiday.

We had a massive row over that. She reckons she's always been fair and treated them all the same, when in reality she's never even bought my kids a packet of sweets when it wasn't their birthday or took them to the park.

I've seen her once since then, my kids, through choice haven't seen her at all. They won't go to either of my parents funeral either, simply citing "you reap what you sow."

Sorry about the long post, but these things are never about money, it's about time and relationships.

I would love to hear DD1’s side of the story. It does not sound like a ‘nice’ relationship to me, at all. Lots of very hurt feelings, resentment and sadness certainly on the part of DD1 does not make it nice for her. I feel sorry for her.