DH says he's leaving me if this continues

[Pompomqueen]

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

@TamzinTotally read the two issues they've had and his reactions to them. Do you honestly believe they're not just two examples of prolonged relationship issues? I'd be very surprised

I'd call his bluff and offer to help him pack. There's no way you can live with someone and never have a disgreement, he needs to get a grip.

I find it so fucking rude when people say this. Plenty of us are divorced, is that acceptable to say to us about our children?

at least my kids are happy and see good relationships being modelled.

Growing up in a house where their dad treats their mum like shit is not a happy home. It will teach them very unhealthy ideas on relationships. If they are boys they will make crap partners like their dad. If girls will allow partners to treat them like shit.
Being together doesn’t mean a happy home. There are many miserable homes where both parents are present and many with only one parent that are very happy.
tell him to stop treating you like shit or you’ll pack his suitcase for him and arrange a child care agreement that involves him having the kids every weekend.

@TamzinTotally

I'm divorced from an abusive man.

The one thing my now adult children have told me loud and clear is that they all wish I had called a screeching halt to the horror many years before I finally did.

You are spouting complete shite here.

I recommend you educate yourself on the impact of years of exposure to emotional abuse on girls.

Op hasn’t been back for several pages

What is the point ?

@Thepeopleversuswork

Going to a bucks night for a day once is not randomly going awol for 16 hours. Many people would be fine with that. I would be fine with it. In fact I’ve stayed over somewhere at a hens night and happily my husband (who was looking after our young child) wasn’t checking up on me getting angry - if anything I would say that is troubling behaviour yet gets written off. Honestly that would annoy me and I don’t blame him for getting a little snippy over it.

Couldn't agree more. My daughter had to leave her abusive ex husband. She put her children and her sanity first. It took grit and bravery and I'm incredibly proud of her.

It's not great being around parents who don't get on though. I much preferred it when mine weren't trying to be together.

that it has only been two hours and it is bedtime for a baby and toddler. Surely you can work that out yourself?!

op sounds like the gutless wonder is spoiling for an argument and intending to leave you anyway.

@Mangogogogo

But it’s what people feel. OP and others have been hurt by their parents divorcing. Should they not say it to spare the feelings of those who have chosen to divorce. You are the adult - they were the children of the adults who divorced. Whatever their opinion on their parents divorcing (good or bad) it is you who needs to be the bigger person and put up with hearing it.

It's my main mn bugbear. No idea why people do it. Not getting the answers they wanted? There are no magic solutions to this one sadly.

I think that he wants to leave, and knowing your views on “broken homes” wants you to feel it is your fault and feel bad about it. Disgraceful behaviour if he wants to end the marriage he could at least have the decency to be honest about it.

This. Worst sort of life for your children and you.
Better for them to have a happy mum alone than a beaten down, neglected and unhappy married mum.

@knittingaddict

Maybe they read some posts, either agree or disagree with some or others then either make a choice (or don’t). Nobody said posting once on the Internet forum meant you had to live your life by the consensus conclusion of that forum.

parents being together despite one displaying such controlling behaviour to prevent the other from questioning his shitty behaviour is a terrible model for children. You will do harm to your children by staying with a controlling man ina. Toxic envirnoment.

You should aim for a happy childhood with stable parents in an emotionally positive environment. Together and toxic is damaging.

Please don't be a martyr! That is far more damaging for your DC and sets a terrible example for them Grow a spine, woman the fuck up and do something about this situtation

It wouldn’t work for me, that’s for damn sure. Nor would being married to someone who threatened to leave every time we had a disagreement. It’s abusive, bullying behaviour.

But you also have totally failed to engage with the main point me and others are making here which is that you are claiming that divorced parents have a monopoly on damaging children. Completely ignoring the huge damage which is inflicted on children as a result of parents remaining in toxic and abusive relationships. Your argument is totally one sided.

He sounds guilty and is pushing an argument on purpose imo. He wants you to be the bad guy and is messing with your head.

What you're describing is broken.

Separating doesn't have to be a terrible thing. It may be better for you and your children.

I just can't bear the thought of my children being from a broken home. I will do anything in my power to give them a happy childhood even if I sacrifice my own happiness. I know first hand how traumatic your parents not being together can be. Has anyone been in this situation. Can anyone give me some advice?

@Pompomqueen My dad was really moody. My mum finally left him when I was 18 and my sister 16. I wish she'd left him many years earlier.

Honestly...I think he wants out.

He's kicking off over incredibly minor things and trying to make you seem like you're being unreasonable...then threatening to leave if you continue. He's looking for excuses to leave.

Sorry op

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Is he a useless father, too?

@Thepeopleversuswork

You argument is one sided too. My experience and that of others is that the divorce was harmful. I said that in response to most posters (as they often do here) saying it was for the best “happy mum leaving = perfect world” etc

Of course some may be happy there parents split, others won’t. You were on one side of that and I the other. Both our views are one sided and you too have totally ignored and dismissed my point of view. - but since both point of views are on the same forum you get a rounded view of divorces impact as we see it. You might say our disagreement provides the two sided view.

It is already a broken home I'm sorry to say.

I stayed with my abusive ex for 5 years, trying to "make it work".

It broke us all in the end.

I'll say it again. The home is already broken and trying to pretend it isn't and propping it up won't hide the cracks.

Take it from one who knows.

I am desperately sorry that you have an absolute twat for a husband. You and your kids deserve nothing but love.