DH says he's leaving me if this continues

[Pompomqueen]

I have an infant and a toddler.

DH told me today 'I can't go on like this, if it continues I'm leaving'

We had 2 arguments this wkend where I felt he was in the wrong. He then said if we have any more he would be leaving me.

First one, he went on a lads night out. Didn't contact me for 16 hrs. I saw he'd been online. Granted I sent a msg in the morning saying no reply to my msg? Instead of 'good night hunny'.... He was like oh sorry didn't realise I had to check in at regular intervals.

Second one, he cleared away everyone's stuff after lunch except mine. I took this as passive aggressive and said so. He shook his head and said I should put my stuff away after using it. Fair enough, but I clear his stuff all the time. He said it was no big deal but I got upset saying it made me feel embarrassed and that it incenuated that I don't pull my weight...
Then he said 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to leave if this contnues'.

I feel unless I am miss happy I have the threat of being a single mother looming over my head.

In those arguments was I being unreasonable?

You cannot possibly be so lacking in self awareness as to not realise you e been doing exactly this all over this thread. Talk about pot, kettle.

@girlmom21

No I’m saying these are two instances of him being rude and given the time - young kids and the stress of it - they could potentially be worked through. I wouldn’t throw away a family for two instances of rudeness or just general stroppiness - I would try to solve the problem first.

If two instances of rudeness is all it take for those on this forum to leave a marriage with kids then they have zero chance and f staying married with a family. Zero. All couples have minor fights at some point - kids can be stressful and a trigger to that. Many couples have been through similar and come out the other side happy with happy kids.

Your home will be more broken if he continues like that. Better to separate and live settled lives apart with no nastiness.
And sadly I'd guess affair too.

@Tsort

I have disagreed with people. I certainly haven’t wanted anyone banned or tried to silence them. How and when did I call for people to be banned for saying she should divorce? I didn’t. Because I don’t try to silence people I disagree with.

He sounds awful. It is not controlling to want your partner to communicate and pull their weight when you are trying to care for two small children.

What I'd do in your situation depends on whether you could actually trust him to parent and care for your children properly. If you can, I'd be walking out the door next Saturday morning to have a day to yourself while he does the childcare. If you can't trust him to look after his own kids, then really you need to leave.

But you are content with them living in a toxic home. One where they learn a completely fucked up version of relationships that could affect their view on what is reasonable within relationships for life. Ok.

I was you. Determined to give my kids the happy childhood didn’t have, no matter about me. But it doesn’t work like that.

I came from a broken home - determined unless we were fighting/screaming/violent and affecting children I must stay.
My best friend told me that I was teaching my daughters to be doormats and my sons to disrespect women. I should have listened.
There can be damage even without violence and shouting.

TBF it is not all bad, my DH has mellowed. He has many good points. Far more good than bad. But he is domineering and emotionally abusive without realising. I am sure if I stood up and talked to him earlier on we would have solved it or split. I didn’t. We are still married so kids not from broken home.

But thirty years later I see so much that wasn’t good for my kids.
I am also a shadow, used to putting up, shutting up and placating. I find it impossible to question him and he doesn’t even notice we put him first, just complains we never put him first if we ever don’t do what he wants.

Talk to your DH now and if he won’t listen think about leaving for your sake, and your kids’.

If you’re unhappy it’s very hard to not let it affect your kids. Two parents isn’t automatically a happy childhood

Staying together at all costs sometimes costs too much.

This👆🏻💯

Op, the fact that your husband says he can't go on like this, suggests it isn't just these two incidents, but it's constant similar.

When you make your decision, remember that your current choices are not;

Happy home all together vs separate

But;

Toxic home life all together vs separate

It's the latter you are choosing between, unfortunately, not the former.

Your children can still have a happy childhood. I'd rather be a single mum than have my children grow up around controlling manbaby who makes their mother so unhappy. Maybe it would be a sigh of relief for you and your children if he did you a favour and left.

As someone who grew up in a household where my Mother stayed with my Father for precisely this reasoning I do not think staying and being miserable is the solution.
I grew up knowing my Mum was unhappy (my Dad too, to be honest), and it was a regular occurrence each night to hear them either arguing or just ignoring each other. It gave me a really skewed view on relationships and what was/wasn’t ‘normal’. I totally understand not wanting your children to grow up with separated parents and having to move between houses and whatnot, but staying in a relationship where you are not happy really shouldn’t be seen as the only option. Of course every situation is unique, but I genuinely believe I would have had a much happier childhood had my parents separated once it became clear it wasn’t working. They may have even remained amicable. As it was they divorced once I had left home and it was incredibly acrimonious and bitter. I always felt it was just years of frustration finally being released.
If you think it’s worth working at then do make a go of it, but please do not just stay with someone because you think it will make your children happier. You also deserve to be happy.

Then you need to pick your battles, otherwise it does risk your fears being true.

Sound alike he's looking for an excuse to leave.

Children are better off growing up in 'broken homes' rather than growing up with a parent bullying or being abusive or disrespectful to the other parent. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. You walking on egg shells and feeling upset by his behaviour will be picked up on from the little ones.

That man-child (exactly how he sounds) sounds like he's living a bachelor lifestyle, no contact for 16 hours after going out on the lash. No chance, he sound immature and shirking his responsibilities. He will get worse unfortunately.

To@Kamenakawena no one is "emotionally abusive without realising it".

Either they're abusive (seeking power and control) or they do realise it.

It usually turns out to be the latter.

@TamzinTotally

Again you wouldn’t really know though would you? Like they’re hardly going to come out and say it to you.
Divorced parents often also has bigger consequences on teens and adults (teen girls seeking male validation in the wrong places and teen boys more resentful of women who they feel insecure will leave them/take the kids from them). Then these attitudes can continue into adult life sometimes.

That works both ways though doesn't it?

There certainly are children who are damaged by their parents divorcing. You clearly have experienced this so its coloured your perspective on everyone else's marriage.

There are an equal number of children who are damaged by two people who loathe one another toughing it out on the interests of "keeping the family together", several of them on this thread. I'm sure there are millions of people who silently seethe that their parents are still together in the face of their very obvious lack of compatibility but don't tell them this because they don't want to hurt their feelings.

Children are damaged when parents behave selfishly and fail to consider the emotional needs of the children. Whether that involves remaining in a miserable marriage or conducting a separation selfishly.

The assumption that staying together in any and all circumstances short of domestic violence is by default always the best position is just self-delusion, as you can read on these boards every day. And very clearly if one party in a marriage is miserable, scared, resentful, that is going to be communicated to his or her children. No you shouldn't always rush for the exit without a second thought but perpetuating the idea that any two parent family is automatically better than two single parent families is dangerous.

You say that this is not a bad marriage: well for me a marriage in which one partner goes AWOL for the best part of a day, very clearly living it up, leaving his spouse to do all childcare and probably cheating, and then badmouths the other one over trivial domestic matters and threatens to leave is a pretty terrible marriage and a terrible environment to bring children up in. If you think this is the best the OP can get I seriously question your self-esteem and judgement.

Lots of divorcees being triggered here. Every child/ adult I know whose parents divorced has been effected by it long term. So OP is making a fair point. Albeit wrong choice of language.

Also OF COURSE children are affected by abusive/ toxic relationships.

If your husband is not abusive I would suggest to him as calmly as you can to go for marriage guidance counselling. I think that would be a good idea if there is hope.

I am also suspicious if anyone else involved in his projections.

Yes, leave him.

This will get worse, not better. He is gas lighting you in a way. Making it your fault when he was totally in the wrong and he knows it. He wins both ways. Either you do what he says and he gets away with what he's done or you stand up for yourself and him leaving will be all your failt. Let's get this clear, it will NOT be your fault.

He's a nasty piece of work and your life will be made a misery by him and by association your children will be miserable too.

Tell him to leave then 🤣 he’s shutting you down and then blackmailing so you aren’t allowed to point out his shitty behaviour. I wouldn’t be surprised if something else was going on behind the scenes also if it’s a new behaviour, seems like he might be trying to purposely cause animosity in your marriage perhaps so you do split.

I wouldn’t put up with that crap, I’d rather be single. Who does he think he is!?

A dad acting like a knob who hold all the power, and does not respect the mum, does not a particularly happy childhood make OP

call him out on it

If your husband is not abusive I would suggest to him as calmly as you can to go for marriage guidance counselling. I think that would be a good idea if there is hope.

What would you consider abuse happy66 because in most definitions what the op's husbamd has done is abusive? It's not just hitting and calling people vile names.

Repost on the relationships board OP.
You will get good advice.
He sounds really nasty. I am sorry.

Don’t sell your soul to keep this man. He’ll see that and use it to control and in doing so strip you of any self confidence and self worth.

I'

I really do not underestimate the strength and fortitude it takes, because I did it.

But the alternative is your kids thinking this is how they treat people, and how you want to be treated.

Whenever you can, leave.

I think you need to get to the bottom of the change in behaviour to work out if it's fixable. Sounds like he's acting out because he is unhappy about something. Only an adult conversation will tell you what's going on. Regarding threatening to leave, does he mean it or does he say it because he knows how to hurt you?

I can't judge from the plate clearing conversation. I wouldn't have told someone they were being passive aggressive - that's kind of passive aggressive in itself - but I would say 'can you clear my plate too?'.

Going out for 16 hours without communicating - words would be had for sure! He sounds a bit immature tbh - feeling the pressures of adulthood? Either way, he needs to grow up. I think it's fixable but with love not criticism. Try it before the usual Mumsnet LTB

@happy66

There's no 'if he's not abusive' here.

This man is emotionally abusive. What he's saying is that he has the right to do exactly as he pleases, and to punish his wife for telling him how unhappy his behaviour makes her, in terms that make it clear that he feels he (1) outranks her, and (2) has the right to pull rank.

He is silencing the OP, denigrating her in her own home in front of the children, showing the children favour over their mother (putting a wedge between them and her) and laying claim to a lifestyle free from a sense of responsibility and accountability that is incompatible with marriage.