Page 9 | To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

PurpleLampShades · 2022-10-02T16:00:16+00:00

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me. DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Original poster

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 20:45

I told them she keeps answering his phone and telling me he doesn’t want to speak to me. And that this all started before he was 16.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2022 20:45

Tigertigertigertiger · 02/10/2022 20:41

@Butchyrestingface ,

please be assured that @stillvicarinatutu is not “some rando “
but is the voice of reason on this thread.

We're going to have to agree to differ.

Although I do hope the boy comes home voluntarily and I'm sure she does too.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 20:48

He isn't in a crack den or a brothel. He has formed a relationship with a woman and neither of them are doing anything illegal (although I agree she sounds like a nutter).

If she had contact with him before he turned 16 with the intention of having sex with him then it would be considered grooming, which is an offence. If she is having sex with him in exchange for food, shelter, alcohol, money or goods (eg clothes, phone etc) then it’s CSE, which is also an offence. If she’s controlling his contact with his mum that falls under coercive control, which is also an offence.

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 20:49

It sounds like hes in a relationship, you where rude and controlling and he choose her over you... that doesn't make it abuse.

I went through the same thing with my first boyfriend, I was only 14 months older than him but his mother acted exactly like you have written you acted... I wasnt in the slightest controlling SHE was and SHE pushed him away.

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2022 20:50

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 20:45

I told them she keeps answering his phone and telling me he doesn’t want to speak to me. And that this all started before he was 16.

Good . Ensure that they submit a child concern as that will go to their safeguarding vulnerable people team and to social services. I'd also mention CSE - if this relationship began before he turned 16 it IS CSE . There's enough concern here for me as a cop to ensure he comes home but you do need to press the cse thing - I would ring back . It's likely to have been out in a a a priority response but as the risk is not immediate it may take a while for anyone to go . If it gets late they will likely defer the incident till tomorrow at a reasonable hour . Yku could ring back with the further information- cse - ask re county lines - just saying these things will show you are informed and not going to be fobbed off .

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2022 20:50

They can add your comments to the incident .

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2022 20:52

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 20:49

It sounds like hes in a relationship, you where rude and controlling and he choose her over you... that doesn't make it abuse.

I went through the same thing with my first boyfriend, I was only 14 months older than him but his mother acted exactly like you have written you acted... I wasnt in the slightest controlling SHE was and SHE pushed him away.

It's not remotely the same. This boy is just 16 and this woman is late 20s—not 14 months apart. This was going on when he was 15.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2022 20:52

If she had contact with him before he turned 16 with the intention of having sex with him then it would be considered grooming, which is an offence. If she is having sex with him in exchange for food, shelter, alcohol, money or goods (eg clothes, phone etc) then it’s CSE, which is also an offence. If she’s controlling his contact with his mum that falls under coercive control, which is also an offence.

Yup. But they're both going to deny the allegations, aren't they? And even if there are enough substance to the allegations to warrant charging her, it's still sounds unlikely he'll be coming home tonight if he's unwilling and the police are satisfied he's safe and well. .

Really can't understand what would possess a woman in her 20s to want a relationship with a 16 year old boy.

nightbulb · 02/10/2022 20:55

I hope they throw whatever book they can at her OP. Whatever you do don’t give up on your gut instinct. He’s still a boy, no matter what the law says about sex, and he still needs you even if he doesn’t realise.

qpmz · 02/10/2022 20:55

If he's only just turned 16 that means she slept with a minor which is a criminal offence.

Genevieva · 02/10/2022 20:56

Look up:
Keeping children safe in education KCSIE 2022

You will notice that children aged 16-18 are still covered by this legislation. The college, social services and police still have safeguarding responsibilities.

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 20:57

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2022 20:52

It's not remotely the same. This boy is just 16 and this woman is late 20s—not 14 months apart. This was going on when he was 15.

Show quote history

So that doesnt change the fact that its OP being controlling and thats what pushed him away.

Doubling downs just going to make him hate her and make EVERYTHING worse.

Also my first boyfriend was 15 nearly 16 and I was 16 (she kept trying to play the age card, hillarious because I was the sweet shy virgin and her DS definately wasn't), she called the police on me many times the police clearly told her (even though he was under 16) we where doing nothing wrong and they wouldn't intervene, same as OP has basically been told.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 20:58

Yup. But they're both going to deny the allegations, aren't they?

If there are suspicions of grooming and CSE the police can access electronic commutations, text messages, messages on social media etc to build a case. They just need to evidence communication that suggests sexual contact prior to 16 even if sex didn’t take place until after his birthday.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 21:00

Also my first boyfriend was 15 nearly 16 and I was 16 (she kept trying to play the age card, hillarious because I was the sweet shy virgin and her DS definately wasn't), she called the police on me many times the police clearly told her (even though he was under 16) we where doing nothing wrong and they wouldn't intervene, same as OP has basically been told.

ThereS a huge difference between 2 teenagers within a year of each other entering a sexual relationship and a 15 year old and a woman in her 20s, the power dynamic is very different indeed.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2022 21:00

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 20:57

So that doesnt change the fact that its OP being controlling and thats what pushed him away.

Doubling downs just going to make him hate her and make EVERYTHING worse.

Also my first boyfriend was 15 nearly 16 and I was 16 (she kept trying to play the age card, hillarious because I was the sweet shy virgin and her DS definately wasn't), she called the police on me many times the police clearly told her (even though he was under 16) we where doing nothing wrong and they wouldn't intervene, same as OP has basically been told.

Show quote history

I do get what you're saying, I don't think it was initially handled the best by OP but it still is massively different to your situation.

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2022 21:01

Jellycat- am I right in thinking you're in the know too ?

Sally090807 · 02/10/2022 21:01

Does she work, have kids, is the relationship a sexual one or is she acting more like a mother to him?

UneFoisAuChalet · 02/10/2022 21:04

mam0918 · 02/10/2022 20:49

It sounds like hes in a relationship, you where rude and controlling and he choose her over you... that doesn't make it abuse.

I went through the same thing with my first boyfriend, I was only 14 months older than him but his mother acted exactly like you have written you acted... I wasnt in the slightest controlling SHE was and SHE pushed him away.

OMG. He's not dating a 17 yo that he sneaks off to meet in the local park. The problem is that he's with a grown ass woman who has a home to shelter him and money to feed him! He was no reason to go home and talk to his mother because this adult is telling him what to do and say. If she wasn't controlling him he would answer his own phone and come to the door.

I rarely judge posters but are you a parent? How can you not see this is wrong?

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2022 21:07

If there are suspicions of grooming and CSE the police can access electronic commutations, text messages, messages on social media etc to build a case. They just need to evidence communication that suggests sexual contact prior to 16 even if sex didn’t take place until after his birthday.

Yes, but they're not going to build the case tonight, are they? That's my point. This stuff will take time and it won't get him home tonight. That's assuming that such evidence exists, of course.

PearlLennox · 02/10/2022 21:09

My god what a fucking nightmare situation.

Where did he meet her? What was your relationship like with him before all this?

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2022 21:16

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2022 21:07

If there are suspicions of grooming and CSE the police can access electronic commutations, text messages, messages on social media etc to build a case. They just need to evidence communication that suggests sexual contact prior to 16 even if sex didn’t take place until after his birthday.

Yes, but they're not going to build the case tonight, are they? That's my point. This stuff will take time and it won't get him home tonight. That's assuming that such evidence exists, of course.

It would get him home tonight if she gets arrested on suspicion of CSE .....

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/10/2022 21:18

@stillvicarinatutu 25 years as a social worker in CP, including CSE investigations.

Oneandone · 02/10/2022 21:19

Can't advise on police/ss however I just want to say it is so so important for you to make sure your son knows that you love him and that he can always come home. I would try to talk to him on the phone again if you can. Ask him if he's still going to college, stress how important it is and let him know your home is still his home and he can come back anytime. You can say these things without having to condone his relationship.

You talking to the college about him might piss him off so maybe you could ask them to keep any chats about him confidential. I think it's important they know whats happening though.

Someone needs to spray paint paedo on her front door/car. I'm not advising you to do that as it's illegal but I think if she was humiliated for being with him it might pressure her to end things too. Most 27yr olds want a mature man with a job and a car etc.. this is very odd.

Royalbloo · 02/10/2022 21:19

Have you spoken to him?

Kally64 · 02/10/2022 21:20

Really!!! He’s 16