To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Fingers crossed for you OP, you must be very worried about him.

My suggestion FWIW is to remember that he's a teenager, one who is likely quite emotionally immature but who has an inflated sense of feeling like a grown up. I think he probably needs some reassurance and reminding that you love him above all else. I suspect that it's going to be a long and difficult road, and that your best option might well be to feign apology, "admit" overreaction and pour oil over troubled waters. Take the heat out of the situation and give him a way out that makes him feel good not ashamed or like a failure or anything else tied up in ego.

Thought so . Another voice of reason.

I don’t know if she works. I think she must do. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have kids of her own. I don’t 100% know what they do/have done. I just know what I’ve seen makes it seem like it’s something inappropriate. I don’t know where or how they met.
We have always had a good relationship. Maybe I haven’t been around a lot the last few years since his dad died. It’s been a bit of a struggle financially for various reasons so I’ve been working a lot. Maybe he feels abandoned and it’s all my fault. I don’t know.

Sorry posted in reply to a comment and said “really he’s 16” but it didn’t link with the right comment 🤦‍♀️
what I was trying to say is at 16 is that not classed as the woman an abuser?
Have you tried ringing Childline for advise. My heart goes out to you and hope he realises soon xx

Sorry I haven't read every page of this but as the mum of two adopted very venerable teens I know where you are coming from. Unfortunately, the more you try and get him away from this woman the more he will want to be with her. He has to make his own mind up and come back of his own accord. The last thing he will want to do is accept that he was wrong and that his mum was right all along. Saving face is major for a 16-year-old. Being embarrassed by your mum is the last thing he will want. Being with this older woman is massive kudos for his with his pals. So never ever say 'I told you so'. Best thing to do is just send him a message to say you will always be there for him and your door will always be open for him.

@Butchyrestingface they don’t need to build the case tonight, just have enough for an arrest. If he really didn’t want to go home he could be removed to a place of safety.

Is there a possibility he genuinely doesn't want to speak to you? Just because you don't believe it and want to hear it from him doesn't mean it's not true. You do seem preoccupied with what you feel and what you believe but don't seem to want to acknowledge what his feelings are. I have a feeling that even if he did reveal his own feelings he still wouldn't be believed and would be told that isn't what he thinks. Is it possible he hasn't been brainwashed? There's no requirement that you have to hear it from him. I get you're concerned but at 16 you can't force him to speak to you if he doesn't want to and it does appear the way you've gone about this is a little suffocating and overbearing and has pushed him away. If you're not careful and he really doesn't want to speak to you but you continue refusing to acknowledge it, there's a possibility you could play straight into being spoken to by the police yourself about harassment. If you keep going round there she may complain about you or worse still they might go elsewhere then you won't have a clue where he is. I very much doubt a relationship of this nature will last any duration but the risk here is you could end up pushing them even closer together.

I hope you hear something soon OP. Im glad you have followed vicars advice and now got an incident number.

If she is controlling his access to his mum it is coercive control. But it is not coercive control if he is saying to her that he will not speak to his mum.

So you mean into a private hostel?
That really is not a solution and he would be very vulnerable.

And then he walks straight back out again claiming police brutality? I can't see you doing this at all as a police officer. Best hope is to put him in contact with someone he feels is supportive to talk things through.

Have you tried ringing Childline for advise.

Childline won’t give advice to adults, the NSPPC helpline will though.

The thing with CSE though is that young people often don’t recognise the exploitation because they believe themselves to be in a consensual relationship. Keeping lines of communication open is important, as is recognising his vulnerability - behind the scenes I’d be screaming grooming and CSE to police and social work, pointing out the fact he a boy doesn’t make him less a victim or her a perpetrator. There are still some very odd values and beliefs around teenage sexual activity (evidenced by posts on here) but laying out what you know of the circumstances of the relationship, when it started etc in the context of grooming should ring alarm bells for any professional worth their salt.

Antelope

A
Place of safety can be home with his mother .

I used to volunteer for Childline and it's only for children, we didn't speak to adults,.

Yes yes yes !!! This 100% !!! Thank god I'm not going mad . I was starting to wonder .

OP you're being way too intense, because calling the police repeatedly, calling his college, calling SS, having a go at both of them, etc, is going to 100% drive him further toward her at this moment in time. Right now he probably can't think of your home as a viable alternative to being at hers as you're being so intense. Also they'll have Romeo and Juliet syndrome if he feels they're being kept apart.

If they were together when he was 15 (if you had that chat about his 16th birthday party) then of course it's a potential police issue. But in terms of the behaviour that will get him back home, the intensity needs to be dialed down.

So you mean into a private hostel?
That really is not a solution and he would be very vulnerable.

A place of safety could be with another adult relative, a residential unit, an emergency yp foster placement, yp refuge or indeed overnight protective custody (ie not in an adult facility) depending on resources available. If there’s suspicion of grooming or CSE a safe place would be found, that doesn’t necessarily mean being returned home to mum.

You said if he really did not want to go home he could be removed to a place of safety. That is likely to be a private hostel. Do you not know how this country treats 16 and 17 year olds in "care".

A relative could work. There is no way an expensive residential placement would be paid for this lad. There is a shortage of foster carers and most do not want to take in 16 year olds. If not with relatives, most end up in private hostels.

I absolutely agree that this relationship sounds wrong, exploitative, and likely grooming. I was the teenager dating a man in his 20’s, and yes, it was all kinds of wrong.
But punishment, removing pocket money, those types of things you might try with a younger child really aren’t going to work. He needs your unconditional support. You don’t need to support the relationship, in fact be clear that you don’t, but he needs to hear (over and over) that you love him, value him, and are there for him. Talk to him like an adult. And don’t ever say I told you so.

Nobody thinks this relationship is appropriate.
But trying to physically drag him home is not the solution.

What I would be talking to him about is good contraception. This relationship will quickly fizzle out if there is nothing else involved like county lines, as long as they do not have a child.

Of course you are not controlling OP. Barely a few years ago he was 12, now only 16. He’s in no way a fully formed grown up with life experience. And you are his parent, I would be absolutely beside myself.

I don’t know if anyone here really has the solution to how to change HIS mind. He is very young and likely suggestible and infatuated. But that doesn’t mean you go all liberal ‘hey do what you want son’. Your obvious concern is an important ‘boundary’ that even though he doesn’t have - he can see his trusted parent having. That means something.

A relative could work. There is no way an expensive residential placement would be paid for this lad. There is a shortage of foster carers and most do not want to take in 16 year olds. If not with relatives, most end up in private hostels.

Theres a vast difference between long term care for kids with looked after status (in care) and emergency accommodation in a crisis. Services need to respond to the immediate situation which is effectively a 16 year old running away in a potentially exploitative relationship. There are specific services set up for this which are separate to longer term care arrangements.

In the longer term he’s unlikely to end up looked after by the local authority given there are people with PR able and willing to care for him. A short time in a place of safety allows things to cool down a bit and for the relationship with his mum to re-establish away from the “girlfriend” and to negotiate a way forward.

The thing is all I'm reading is that you feel he's in an abusive relationship, you feel he's being controlled, you feel he is being brainwashed, you feel he isn't allowed to answer the door, you feel he isn't allowed to answer his phone, you don't believe he doesn't want to speak to you. You haven't really given any evidence to support any of those claims and the police will expect you to at least have something more than just what you feel. Maybe he doesn't want to answer the phone to you, it is a possibility. Is it really so beyond comprehension that maybe he isn't being abused or controlled? Do you have any evidence that anything happened between them before he was 16?