To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

They have clearly decided it meets the threshold for assessment which is about investigating what is going on and then making recommendations for a plan or for other services that might be appropriate or helpful.
they have no real power in this situation. You have PR and you have no power - they have less than you do. Their only real resource is their skill to engage him and support him to leave her if he wants that support. They can signpost and refer him to any service he might want to engage with. It's all voluntary on his part though. He's likely not ready to accept that help yet.

obviously they might uncover more serious criminal or child protection issues which would change things but as it stands as I've said before this is an inappropriate age gap relationship with elements of coercive control but unless he asks for help there is very little to be done.

Ring college tomorrow and check. You are still his legal guardian. In fact I'm sure they should let you know if he dauls to attend.

Their only real resource is their skill to engage and support him to leave

This is sadly probably very true. It is a real skill to be able to guide someone to see the risks in their situation and turn around their viewpoint accordingly. Hopefully there will be someone who is not burnt out by the chronic state of their caseload, with the training, willingness and ability to get him to engage. They are out there, but sadly few and far between.

Otherise OP it is down to you to keep building your connection to be able to do this yourself. It's highly possible that you can in time and you have built strong foundations for this. He does want contact. This alone can be worked with. But the outcome of the assessments are important to know as there may be snippets of information that can help with the process and possibly speed it up. This is why it needs chasing because all of the information is needed to gain a bigger picture.

Let's hope the lack of contact from the sw is more indicative of low risk rather than inadequacy. Did you leave any updates for them Purple or just ask them to call back?

I disagree that's there's nothing ss can do. I would expect the sw to be spending time with this woman, assessing her as the risk in this situation and working closely with the police to try and put as much pressure on her to give it up. Alongside working with your son and you and making sure he is supported. Yes there's no magic solution and its potentially the long game, but most local authorities have a specialist adolescent team for exactly this purpose - managing risk with teenagers requires a difference approach and the sws in these teams are there cos they enjoy working with yps. I'd ask your sw about getting open to the specialist adolescent team

Also- well done for persevering with the phonecalls today, incredibly frustrating. As someone else said, college could be your ally here. I would keep in regular contact with the safeguarding person there for updates.

That's certainly reassuring to hear boomoohoo.

They can offer support, they can't compel either to engage.

I'm not sure anyone thinks they can be compelled to engage, unless there is significant risk and a criminal element. But either complete naturals, or highly trained and skilled professionals should be able to help make a difference in getting him to engage. That is what is needed and op needs to keep fighting to get someone like that involved. They are out there, you just have to keep shouting til you find them.

I sat up until 6.00am this morning reading all of this post. This woman is nothing more than a crafty, manipulative, predatory paedophile. I am so sorry for what you have been through, OP, and still going through.

Even though I finally went to bed at 6am, everything that I read was going over and over in my head. One thing, out of this whole, awful, tragic situation, stood out to me more than anything else. This woman seriously needs to be investigated for grooming and paedophilia - FROM MARCH TO JULY OF THIS YEAR - leading up to his 16th birthday - for the 4 months that your son was still 15. Unfortunately, I don't think the authorities will be able to get your son away from her now, based on anything she has done SINCE he turned 16.

I am so sorry to say this, but it makes me want to puke to think that this 26 year old woman was physically/sexually attracted to a 15 year old boy. Most 15 year old boys still very much look like children. She is sick and perverted, and needs locking up. And I wouldn't believe for one second that she waited until his 16th birthday to make her move on him. How naiive does she think people are to believe that? Someone, somewhere must know something about what went on between them between March and July, surely? Someone must have seen something. I don't suppose for one minute that every time that they met each other during the 4 months leading up to his 16th birthday, that they always met in isolation.

Yes, you would hope this is being investigated. Lots of questions for the sw when they finally get in touch! I do hope that is soon.

And I really hope they've not been in touch because they are too busy doing just that!

At the very least, SS showing concern (even if they can’t act in any definitive way) legitimises your concerns OP and shows your DS that there is something inherently wrong about this woman’s interest in him.

I hope it will really validate your reaction to the relationship to him.

i agree that their focus should be on establishing the nature of the relationship when he was 15 as that has criminal repurcussions that then have a significant bearing on the current supposedly legal relationship.

Is there anyway you can subtlety find out more about when they met and what he told his friends?

Yes and the more consistently (but lovingly) he hears this message, and from different people, will help make him question his position. As soon as he shows any sign of questioning things, that's when an intervention can take place. He may not recognise himself that he is questioning it, but a trained and experienced person will be able to spot signs, from things he says or does, that he is, and will be able to guide him in seeing that and what it means. I really hope he gets connected to someone who can do this for him.

Any update??? We are concerned, OP.

Finally managed to speak to SW. They’re still doing the assessment. She is going to see DS and GF next week. I told her everything that’s been happening, about the lunch and him missing football and not really seeing his friends. She said she will talk to DS about all of it when she sees him. There’s a meeting provisionally booked towards the end of the month that everyone will be invited to including me and DS, where the findings of the assessment and any next steps will be discussed.

It’s coming up for 6 weeks since he left. In 6 weeks I’ve seen him only twice (once for about five minutes and the lunch with her there too), spoken once very briefly on the phone (literally about 30 seconds) and had 4 texts from him (1 telling me to stop texting, 1 telling me he’s ok, 1 angry at me for getting ss involved and 1 asking me to the lunch). To see and speak to him so little is so upsetting.

OP this thread is heartbreaking.

I'd like to know different would SS act if the sexes were reversed.

You must feel so helpless.

Will the GF be included in the meeting?

It's really good news OP that they're taking this seriously. If anything it will hopefully plant some seeds of doubt in his head.

So many hugs to you OP.

It would make zero difference if the sexes were reversed

💐Purple, well done.

Shouldn't be such a struggle to get an update from the sw, but it is what it is.

Did she say whether she's risk assessed the woman? Hopefully @boomoohoo can advise further on this (I think it was she who raised this) xx

I don’t think she’ll be involved in the meeting. The sw didn’t say but then again, I didn’t ask. I don’t think that would usually happen would it? I hope not. I’ll ask when I next speak to the sw.

She just said the assessment is still in progress, didn’t really give much information so I’m not sure if they’ve risk assessed her. I assume that means they’ll look into her background etc?

She can't 'risk assess' the woman. She won't be able to access police information about her as it's not a s47 enquiry. They can check their system but if she doesn't have children she probably won't be on it. Otherwise without meeting her and gaining her consent to speak to her GP for example (how likely is due to give that?!) there will be no risk assessment.

the social worker is doing a 45 day assessment by the sounds of it. There is no update to give so why would they contact the OP to give no update?

They won't look into her background. They can't, not without her consent.

When I spoke to the sw mid October I thought she said it was a section 47 enquiry and the assessment was going to help them decide if the threshold for section 47 is met and if not then they would consider if a child in need plan was needed. Perhaps I misunderstood or misheard. It’s quite confusing with all the different assessments and meetings and sections.

Could you use Clare’s law to see if there’s a criminal record? I expect it’s unlikely there is given her age and sex, but perhaps?