To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

That’s incredibly sad.
That would explain the deeply sad P.s “ Don’t text”
I wonder if @PurpleLampShades son is almost under a type of mental breakdown?
It’s just so utterly bizarre that he is under the thrall of a heavily controlling older woman - And when one is 16, mid Twenties is ancient in terms of development-
This harridan loves the control, I assume?
It seems so odd- Is Harridan controlling him with sex?
It seems so seedy.
Her “ Feeding” him pudding at the restaurant seemed very odd- Like what a mother would do to a toddler!
If son did send this card without harridan knowing-

It may well show on a subliminal level that he knows he’s being coerced into this deeply unhealthy , sick relationship.

I also wouldn't text him to thank him if that's what he has requested as it could make things harder for him if she doesn't k ow he's sent a gift or is monitoring his messages.
I would however probably send a generic 'love you son, miss you' message.

It sounds so hard OP, I’d be absolutely beside myself.

I agree don’t mention on any texts anything that he may have done without her knowledge. So text ‘missing you, hope you are OK’ or ‘welcome anytime you like’ or whatever. But never ‘thanks for the present’ or -good to see you at football
Nothing that gives the woman extra information about you and his contact, or any information for that matter.

Awful situation for you & your son. Very strange relationship. Your pub meal together demonstrated worrying behaviour on gf's part - stopping him rising to greet you, ordering, feeding him, the loo visit. It does seem like he is being groomed by her, and he is flattered by an older woman. It also seems as if he is doing things behind her back, your present/card, as she would not approve. It is so sad for him to be in this relationship that is so damaging to you and him. You must keep lines of communication open with him, but not hassle him. Try to just text or call once a week, reaffirming your love, that he can return home etc. Other than that I would let it run it's course, which it will. She is a woman living with a child, and they will tire of each other. It will be difficult for her to introduce him to work colleagues, friends etc because of the age disparity. It is important that he continues at college, with his football, friends etc so when the crunch happens he has a life to return to.

New to the thread but want to lend my support. This woman's hold on your DS is strong, unhealthy. I'm not sure I would have been able to hold it together to be told that I was "jealous" of their relationship.

Your consistent steady love will get through to him eventually.

I'd also try and speak to his friends. I teach 16 yr olds - underneath the swagger that some have, most of the boys I teach would say that this was very, very wrong,

Could I ask how he is getting money? He bought you card and present so obviously has access to cash or card independently of her. Does he have an account into which you pay him money? How does he buy lunch at college? Or bus to football/college? I wonder how household bills are being paid at her house and who buys food. Who paid for the restaurant meal?

I am just thinking how important it is that she does not get access to his money by extracting his card number from him perhaps. It is another safeguarding issue I feel.

I'd assume she's supporting him.

He receives an allowance from his father doesn't he?

OP i'm wondering weather there is any way you can use his college to open a line of communication with him that she won't see/know about. Can you have a chat with one of his tutors? Tell them you fear he is being monitored and ask to pass a short unsealed note to him through them?

Something gentle and bland. No questions. Like: thanks for the present, hope you're doing ok. xxx

Something he can simply read and screw up and throw away. But it's hidden from her.

Maybe in a week or 2 send another similar. He might just chuck them in the bin, but perhaps, and it is just a perhaps, he will reply the same way?

Is there a way to make sure he is not being financially exploited or his expenditure and access to his funds being controlled by this strange lady? Something to watch out for I think.

If she texts when he's in college he can then delete his texts. No real need to involve college in this way.
Besides, he can tell his gf everything anyway.
I wouldn't do the big drama/secrecy thing , it just makes it more exciting for him. It's when he gets bored and starts wanting to act his age and go out with his mates that things will change.

She sounds very controlling. I would e very worried too.

Sending strength OP.

Financial abuse would be very unusual in a relationship like this. It is normally the older person who would have more money.

Even if she does not need his money, her desire to control could lead to financial abuse. Another weapon in her controlling armoury.

He gets £150 per month from what he was left by his dad. She will be paying all the bills as £150 wont stretch very far.

He wasn’t at football but I spoke to one of his friends who said DS has only been to training once this month and he’s now missed two games. I asked if he’s met the gf and he said no and that no one has really seen DS much. He’s declined invites to do stuff, to parties etc. I asked the friend to please keep inviting DS to do stuff even if DS keeps saying no and he said he would.

Also spoke to the coach who said DS hasn’t replied to his texts or returned his phone calls.

I text DS earlier just to say I miss him, love him etc. I didn’t mention the card and gift. No response.

It does sound as though she is curtailing his life - what a worry for you. I am so sorry this is happening.

@PurpleLampShades
It sounds very strange that is isn’t seeing his mates-and missing football .

His world is being shrunk by this dreadful woman.
I feel your pain - It must be so utterly frustrating not to be able to speak to him without her there, and to have no proper response by text

Well done for going to football Purple and for speaking to his friend and coach. You really need to persist with getting hold of the social worker tomorrow to relay all of these latest developments. Keep calling through the day if you can, although I know its difficult with work, but the louder you shout and all that...I'd even take time off to do it if you have to, if you don't think they'll be supportive if you tell them (they should, it's perfectly reasonable, responsible and a good employer would have no problem). Say you've got an appt or something if you have to and just do it.

Perhaps message him again this week at college to see if he's better able to respond when he's there. Relay all of this to the sw, no matter how seemingly insignificant as it helps them to build a picture.

I think it's lovely he remembered your birthday and again, a good sign your work in keeping communication open is paying off.

Keep going xxx

No advice I'm just sorry and I hope your boy sees the light soon.

Purple - these things are significant- do you have the name of the person in the VP unit that you spoke with ?

Did they leave any contact details .

I agree with @longleggitybeastie, ask to speak to the sw manager if sw not available tomorrow. Social Services are so awfully understaffed, theres a chronic national shortage, much like most other public services. I know of cases in proceedings which aren't allocated a sw, the situation on the ground is dire. I don't say this to scare you or encourage you to lose faith, but just to know that they're not, not responding because it isnt serious enough - it is, but because the service is on its knees. If I can help in any way please do let me know

Just want to add, it's not only a good sign that your communication is paying off, but is a result of the obviously strong and healthy relationship you have with your son. This situation is NOT your doing. Keep knocking down doors tomorrow, and if one is stuck try all the others until they are all open. The SW, the VP unit/mash, the college....anyone you can think of who might be able to reach out to your son. Go higher if you have to, to get someone to listen and update you on their assessments. Wishing you luck and strength, we're all behind you x

I’ve phoned ss six times today and still not managed to speak to anyone that knows what’s going on. The last person promised me they would get the sw leading the assessment to phone me back but I suppose that won’t be until tomorrow now, given the time. I also phoned the police unit and spoke to someone but they said there’s not much they can do as ss are leading the assessment and their involvement will be at the interagency meeting when that happens and ss need to get all the information they want/need before calling the meeting. I don’t even know if ss have spoken to DS again or not.

Not heard anything from DS. I haven’t text him again as I text him yesterday and don’t want to bombard him. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells really. It’s ridiculous to be worried about texting your child isn’t it? But it’s just so sensitive an issue that even the smallest thing can unbalance everything. I hope he went to college today.

I’ve phoned ss six times today and still not managed to speak to anyone that knows what’s going on.

I know it probably feels like this is doing something but if the social worker had anything useful to tell you they would have told you. It's really unlikely that anything a social worker will do is going to get your boy home. They will try t see and speak to him but do you think they will get any more lucky than you did? I'm not trying to make you feel worse but I feel like you're expecting something to come of this assessment that isn't likely.

What’s the point of them doing the assessment if there’s nothing they can do then? Why didn’t they just tell me that at the beginning?

@PurpleLampShades Because they needed to understand the situation in case they could do something. If he was being passed round different men for sex, they would have done something. Or involved in County Lines.