To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I wonder if the proposed get together is to tell you that you are going to be a grandmother!

there was A series.of threads by an Aussie mumsnetter last year (I think) whose son went through similar but with a girl his own age. She was very controlling and he showed similar behaviour with his phone because she was constantly messaging when they were apart keeping tabs on him.
I can't remember her user name or the thread titles to.search for them I'm afraid but someone else might

I don't think this is helpful.

Op I would just focus on asking your son about college and football, and when you say goodbye tell him you love him and miss him. Be polite to her but focus on your child. Hope it goes well.

She’s been on this thread, I don’t remember her as controlling, just a mum trying to advocate for her child in a very difficult situation. I believe eventually things improved for her family so it appears she did something right. There’s no manual for this kind of thing. If there were, I believe compassion for the impacted people would be within it.

Think the person meant the girlfriend was very controlling, not the concerned mother of teen boy :)

I do not think anyone thinks boys are ready to fly the coop at 16.

You’re right, sorry @ChimChimeny !

I’d go. Don’t worry about asking questions. Just nod and look interested and let them talk. Observe.

This isn’t about how you come across or what you do, it’s about

1. information that you get from observing
2. letting your son know through your body language, the odd smile his way, saying “I’m always there for you” or something like that.

So if there are long awkward silences, let there be long awkward silences. Be serene, calm, passive. If you really want a couple of things to say… try

’So is there anything that you were hoping to get from meeting with me?’ and then follow up with ‘oh I see… ‘ and repeat the last thing she or he said. So if she says ‘I wanted to get to know you and show you that things are really good’ - repeated the last few words
’so you say things are really good?’

Most people like talking about themselves. She will. Perhaps he will join in. Let THEM talk 90% of the time.

It doesn’t matter who pays, or what you wear. Be on time, or early so you are calm. Just notice… you might pick up some really useful things about how your son appears to be. (E.g. does he stay silent, hang on her every word, look if dignity, does she dominate the conversation, is she trying to convince you)

If she or they ask you why you contacted SW or the police. Just say simple things and deflect like ‘I am your mum, it’s OK to be concerned about your son, it’d be good to have more contact so I know that you are really OK’

Is it today purple?

i totally appreciate your anxiety and truthfully it seems a very odd move from them. If she wants to build bridges why not just chat at the side of the pitch when he does football or even start with a brief meeting. A whole meal feels a bit intimidating.

Dont feel you don’t have to appear nervous. I think seeing the effect this is all having on your might be a good wake up call for your DS especially when you were so close before he left.

agree with the others say very little other than asking him about football or college or any friends of his you know well. Let them speak and just stay quiet if they criticise you or say outlandish things.

I wouldn’t pay. He wants to be an adult then he pays his own way. Just put down the money for what your own share cost.

good luck OP.

I would agree to havung lunch with them but definitely suggest somewhere neutral, not in their flat.

I agree with the others, don't say anything inflammatory. Say you were delighted to get the invitation and it is so lovely to see him. Focus on your son. Ask if he's planning on going back to football. Ask how his friends are doing (ie gently remind him of what he is missing out on.)

You could say very openly, 'I know this is what you want right now, but I want to make it very clear that if things don't work out for any reason, you are welcome home at any time of day or night, no questions asked.' I'd also say, 'It's very important to me that neither of you dismiss me as a mad or controlling person. You (to her) are old enough to understand why a mother would be concerned that her teenager is having a relationship with a much older woman. I appreciate you have genuine feelings for each other. But you met when he was fifteen so it was my duty as a loving and responsible mother to check that he was not being coerced. I couldn't know that he wasn't because he left abruptly and I've only now been given the chance to actually meet you and get to know you."

I might also say to him, 'So long as you are still free to see your friends as much as you want, and to go to football and to contact me whenever you choose, then I won't worry that you are being controlled. But if you are being encouraged to isolate yourself from your normal life, then whatever age your girlfriend is, you need to know that isn't healthy. You're sixteen. I'm your mum. We get on well. I think we should see more of each other. Come over for tea one night a week so we can catch up. That's not controlling or unreasonable. That's love.'

Just make sure he knows you are loving not controlling and that he's free to make his own choices, including seeing you.

Lots of food for thought and tips here to help you prepare and keep in mind. Take from it was feels helpful to you. Easy to say but try not to overthink or go too rehearsed with anything. If it starts to feel intense or you feel stuck, try to remember just to breathe, take a loo break or something and just try to reconnect on a basic level. Have something nice planned for you when you get back home, like a tonne of chocolate, bubble bath and a film.

Wishing you good luck today. Personally, I would go and observe, listen and do not let her intimidate you or rile you.

I wouldn't do as acorns said, - I think that would inflame the situation, watch, listen, and make sure your son knows you are always there for him. If you have voice notes on your phone, I would be tempted to record it.

@PurpleLampShades

Hope all goes well today for you 💐

Stay calm, keep the conversation light, listen (a lot!) and don't offer to pay for everyone - you were invited out by them so I would just offer to pay for your own lunch.

🤞🤞🤞for you

Thinking of you today OP. It'll be hard, just focus on your son and be polite to the witch.

(As hard as they will be)

Well, I met them for lunch today. It was so good to see DS for more than a few minutes. Made me realise how much I miss having him around. I wish it could have been just me and him. I loved seeing him but I didn’t enjoy it. He didn’t seem like the DS I know. I tried my best to be calm and civil but also make it clear I’m not happy with it. It’s safe to say I don’t like her and think this was all a play to impress SS and make me, I don’t even know. Make me back down maybe. I don’t know.

Anyway, some of the things I observed…(trying to keep it factual but interested in what others make of it)

• They were already there when I got there. He went to get up to greet me and she put her hand on his leg so he didn’t get up.
• He ordered what she said he should order.
• He glanced at her after he said anything.
• She insisted on paying for DS’s food.
• She rested her hand on the back of his neck a lot.
• She talked about how much happier he is now and how wonderful their relationship is. He agreed when prompted.
• They asked me to be supportive not against them, and DS said my actions have been hurtful and he’s sorry I’m jealous of her and of their relationship (had to bite my tongue hard for that one).
• They shared a dessert. She fed him a couple of bites then ate the rest herself and didn’t give him anymore.
• When she went to the toilet he went too, then waited outside the door for her and they came back to the table together.

I think she coached/prepped him on what to say and do. He didn’t seem his normal self, didn’t give me a hug or anything. She was perfectly polite and all that but there was an undercurrent that I can’t quite put my finger on. It just felt fake somehow. It was quite clear to me that she didn’t like me either.

Well done on getting it over and done with. It's just a waiting game now I'm afraid. See what SS have to say on the next meeting

It sounds very uncomfortable but just hang in there letting him know you are always there for him and continue to bite your tongue and say nothing negative. He’s very young and it’s an absolute nightmare but I don’t think the authorities are going to do anything so you have to try to play the long game and keep the connection

She certainly sounds controlling and coercive. Just a shame he doesn’t see it (yet).

It's hard not to see those as features of a controlling and coercive relationship, really good observations to pass on and discuss with the social worker. I hope they see it that way too and can intervene further. Really well done for surviving it calmly, particularly holding your tongue at the bit about you being jealous! You deserve a medal for that!! Sounds like the best you could have done in the circumstances. Hopefully one of the professionals on this thread will guide you in the next steps x

Gosh that sounds an ordeal. Well done for staying calm and not slapping a gravy boat over her head. I would pass everything you've said here onto the SW as it sounds like she's controlling his behaviour.

I think you need to do exactly what you're doing, and play the "long game".

Well done for keeping your cool, and for documenting what you saw so clearly. It really does sound as if he had been primed not to be on his own with you. The gestures you noticed are not appropriate and must have made you squirm.

A well-deserved medal is winging your way. Hang on in there and try and be clear with SS.

I think it was supposed to come across as loving, but it just looked weird and inappropriate. He didn’t look comfortable.

Write it all down for yourself in a factual way, as well as your emotional response to it. Give a copy to SS.

And have a large drink on us this evening, you have earned it!! It does indeed sound very coersive.

Well done purple, it sounds like you managed that with real dignity and composure. You've captured perfect observations of coercive controlling behaviour and yes, do share with the sw.

I would expect / ask the sw to do home visits to them both too, so that she can see for herself the dynamic. Perhaps with you there too, as it's your presence that puts pressure on the situation.. what this is called in sw terms is a 'network meeting', and other relevant agencies or family members can also attend.

One of the things I would expect to come out of this assessment and/or network meeting, is an agreement about your ds seeing you alone and spending some time back at home. If this is discussed in a meeting they hopefully won't have a script for it, and this woman needs to appear reasonable to the sw so is likely to agree if put on the spot. If ds is reluctant, it can be suggested to be trialled over the assessment period, to take the pressure off him. One of the things that is crucial in these meetings is a 'what if?' Plan, ie, what is everyone to do if this agreement isn't followed. The sw will take the lead in it but i wanted to let you know what you can expect purple, and if the sw doesn't seem to be going this way, know that you can ask for it.

When I last spoke to the sw she said that because of his age he needs to consent to any protection or child in need plan because it would likely involve things that need his engagement. Is that right? What happens if he doesn’t consent? Which he won’t will he?