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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:00

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 18/10/2022 22:38

PurpleLampShades · 18/10/2022 19:23

I had a little cry in the car after, not going to lie. It’s horrible him not being here. The house is so quiet. I’ve been doing extra at work just to avoid coming home and distract myself from worrying about him. He looked tired when I saw him.

That older seducer he is with is obviously a malign influence.
If a 26 yr old man was consorting with a 15/ 16 yr old girl, people would be outraged.

A “ Predatory “ controlling older woman is battling you for your son.
That’s how it seems to me.

I hope he comes to his senses soon, and leaves this controlling woman.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 19/10/2022 12:04

Just had text from DS asking if I want to have lunch with them (him and her as well) this Sunday so I can meet her properly. Completely out of the blue. I don’t really want to meet her but really want to see him so I think I will say yes. Not sure what the sudden enthusiasm is all about given she has essentially avoided me and continually tried to isolate him for the last however months.

OP posts:
WalkthisWayUK · 19/10/2022 12:43

This is good but also an attempt at minimisation and normalisation from her. I would go if I were you, but listen more than you speak. Be very blank and encourage some forthcoming information if it seems natural to do this e.g. ‘so you’ve been together for… ? I see, OK.’ Don’t give anything away, be blank and boring if you can, but open to what THEY say.

Try to give a lot of space, don’t be tempted to ‘fill in gaps’ of conversation. Be passive. Say again to your son directly that you are always there for him.

Notice what they do and how they interact. Observe. Keep the door open.

I would get in contact with the main person (DASH was it?) and let them know about this, ask their advice.

Badger1970 · 19/10/2022 12:52

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place on this, and I'd agree with the PP who said about asking advice.

It's progress in some way, but it won't help if she's going to dominate conversation/try to make you see how "normal" this is when it's far from it...

longleggitybeastie · 19/10/2022 12:57

Yes, also agree positive and also to seek advice as to how to handle. Wonder who best though, maybe mash and also the sw to see if this is following their contact with them?

Mischance · 19/10/2022 13:10

That is an interesting development. I agree that she is responding to the statutory interest in what is going on has probably forced her hand into trying to make things appear normal by inviting you over. I absolutely agree that you should be neutral - do not "fight your corner" and try and make a case out for your DS coming home - just listen to what they are saying and don't take the bait.

Your only intervention should be to tell DS you love him and that you will always be there for him. That is what he needs to hear, and not a tug-of-war between you and this strange woman. It will be hard, but stand firm and bide your time.

I wish you good luck.

Vapeyvapevape · 19/10/2022 13:42

I don't know how she's got the nerve to face you tbh.

Zebracat · 19/10/2022 13:55

Crikey that sound scary and uncomfortable. They will be doing this to prove to the Social worker that they are reasonable. If they can also “prove” that you are not, so much the better for her.
I would agree that you should try to stay neutral, if possible without seeming guarded. Could you ask if you can bring a friend?, tell them you are anxious about it.And get her to keep you on track , friendly but reserved rather than Mama bear or Pam Ayers.
Or maybe meet in a cafe, somewhere busy like Macdonalds or Pizza Express. Neutral ground. Whatever happens, leave after 45 minutes on the basis that you don’t want to intrude, unless it’s gone tits up after 5!
My prediction is that this young woman is going to be quite chippy and aggressive, let that run, don’t rise, let your son see her, not blame you for any difficulties. If she has a go at you for involving the authorities, ask her what her parents would have done if she’d left home at 16 to live with a man of 26. You might learn something useful.
Good luck

Calandor · 19/10/2022 13:57

Well done OP. Keep trying. As a woman in her mid-late 20s myself her actions are unnatural and predatory.

God, my friends would be sickened and reject me totally if I went anywhere near a 16 year old boy. It's weird!

Thisisnotmyname2 · 19/10/2022 14:13

Not sure if I would meet them for lunch although I completely understand why you'd want to. I'm just not sure it's the right thing to do as it could be seen to condone thier relationship when you shouldn't be giving it any respect. Agree that maybe you should seek professional advice on whether to go or not. It's good that he saw you at football and that you offered to take him for a coffee even if he didn't take you up on it. Things like that send the right message, that you're still there.

longleggitybeastie · 19/10/2022 15:12

Actually reading thread back through, I'd follow boohoomoo's advice to see if the sw has risk assessed this woman. Meeting them both without that knowledge is unwise without guidance around that. Perhaps just thank him, say it means a lot that he wants to meet, that it was lovely to see him at football although you were worried he looked anxious, but understand it must be incredibly stressful and difficult. You'd love to see him and help him work through this, you'll think about a joint meeting and come back to him as soon as you can. Something of that nature?

antelopevalley · 19/10/2022 15:45

I wouldn't say - help him work through this.

Mischance · 19/10/2022 15:54

I agree - as far as he is concerned there is nothing to "work through" - at least not that he is likely to admit at this point.

You do indeed need to know something of what the authorities are thinking about this woman, but you do not know how much they might be willing to share with you.

I know how hard this is for you at the moment, but I am sure that in 20 years time you and your son will talk about all this together with a rueful sigh. Just hang on in there.

RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 17:40

The way I see it is that the most important thing is you don't lose your son. not whether she gets prosecuted for grooming or not. So I would say yes to lunch. Bear in mind that that if your son does have his eyes opened to what grooming is, he could still reopen the case further down the line.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 19/10/2022 18:37

I tried to phone the social worker but couldn’t get hold of her. I have said I will meet them. I just want to see him but also if I say no it will confirm to him that I’m the problem. We’re going out for a roast dinner at a local pub which will be more neutral. Not looking forward to it but looking forward to seeing him. Just wish it could be without her.

OP posts:
longleggitybeastie · 19/10/2022 18:51

Given you've tried to contact the social worker I can totally understand you wanting to see him regardless. Can you ask to speak to a duty social worker? I would hope they'd have access to any notes and be able to advise if necessary. I'm sure if they have identified significant risk you'd know about it by now, but it's wise to check if you can. Hopefully vicar will have some advice for you. Really hope it goes okay.

7catsisnotenough · 19/10/2022 19:20

@PurpleLampShades try to see this as a positive, I know it's going to be excruciatingly difficult for you to go but look at the positives -

You're going to see your son

It's a meeting on neutral ground

You can evaluate the girlfriend

Deep breath, stay calm, be neutral about things, try not to ask too many questions about the relationship, maybe try talking about "safe" subjects (your work/ extended family or friends?)

The fact that they've asked you to meet up is a big step in the right direction, it's an opening, an admittance if you like that they want a relationship with you.

Try to rest up and look after yourself before you meet them 💐

UneFoisAuChalet · 19/10/2022 23:45

Good luck OP.
I’ve been following this thread and as a mother of three boys, it’s easily my biggest nightmare. I hate how boys are considered ‘ready to fly the coop’ at 16 whereas girls aren’t and need protecting, It’s a minority opinion on this thread but prevalent in society.

At 16 you are still a child regardless of your sex. You are doing exactly what every other involved, caring parent would do, so don’t be ‘afraid’ of this woman. Gather as much information as you can to protect your child.

stillvicarinatutu · 19/10/2022 23:47

Hey purple ,
Not managed to get to laptop but I will send that message to you

Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing in meeting her - I think the fact they've suggested this is proof that the authorities meddling is making them both realise this is very very dodgy ground for her .

Grit your teeth . Keep going x

boomoohoo · 21/10/2022 08:42

Hey purple,
Hope you're doing ok x
have you managed to get hold of the sw? Please kick up a fuss if neccesary to get hold of them - sometimes we have to go off radar to get court statements done etc, but I think this is a significant development and worth chatting through with a sw if you can. I agree with all the advice given so far, but I'm aware that the sw will have access to info we all dont.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 21/10/2022 16:36

Haven’t been able to get through to sw. The person I spoke to today said they would get someone to phone me back but haven’t heard yet. I doubt I will now until next week, which is too late. I’m totally over analysing things now. Should I offer to pay on Sunday? Should I get there early? What sort of things should I ask her? I suspect whatever I do will be wrong somehow.

OP posts:
middleeasternpromise · 21/10/2022 17:03

I can understand your dilemma, if he has asked you I would probably go to. I would not worry to much about doing things wrong, because from your perspective the situation seems wrong. If you go, I would be inclined to let her and him do the work, they have invited you not the other way round. I would be present but seeing what they have to say and how they approach things. I do not think you should pay except for yourself and your son in recognition that he is your responsibility despite the fact an adult female has behaved inappropriately. You never know, he may have portrayed a very different situation to her at first and now there is some challenge to that - you have not left your son to get on with it, quite the reverse you have acted as a concerned parent should when their child suddenly disappears to live with a stranger. However she or he might seek to portray things, this is an important opportunity for you to share how you see it.

boomoohoo · 21/10/2022 18:03

Focus on reconnecting with your son, let that be what guides you purple. Whixh doesn't mean placating her/ pretending everything's ok. You're allowed to go there and be focused on him. I agree with everyone else about you not doing the work to make it ok, just 'sit back' so to speak. I wouldn't engage with her as much as possible, be polite and disinterested in her. I'd get his meal but not hers. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just - I haven't seen you and I want to buy your food, that's what mum's do.

Sorry to hear you didnt hear back from the sw, that's annoying. But you got this purple, you can't mess it up, you're just there to see your boy

boomoohoo · 21/10/2022 18:07

If they start trying to explain and justify it, I would just listen and not respond in any reassuring way. I'd ler the silence hang in the air and then change the subject.

Zebracat · 21/10/2022 19:34

Crikey. Buying his food and not hers strikes me as provocative. I would either say it’s my treat or just pay for myself.

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