To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Was he at footie this morning OP?

I thought about him, and hoped he was.

Nothing useful to add, just to say I'm still here, reading and hoping for you. x

How awful for you, @PurpleLampShades
He's likely drawn in by this predatory 'older' woman, and it sounds really, really manipulative and deeply unhealthy.

She is probably giving him loads of sex , and just hope to goodness she insists on using contraception.

She sounds little better than a nonce.

No self respecting woman of 26 would be wanting a sexual relationship with a 16 year old child.

Have you heard anything else about the investigation?

The sw came to see me yesterday and she wants to speak to DS again following that. She’s spoken to the college and is also waiting to speak to the police about when they visited him. So still in progress I suppose.

He turned up late to the football, looking very stressed. The coach made him sit on the bench for the first half and then put him on halfway through the second. He spent most of the time on the bench texting on his phone and was very distracted. He briefly spoke to me afterwards. I asked if he’d like me to buy him a coffee and have a chat but his phone was constantly pinging and he was getting agitated about it. He said he had to go after only a few minutes but at least he spoke to say hello. I asked if it was her messaging him and what the matter was but he didn’t really answer, just said he had to go.

I really don’t know if her friends and family know. Some of them must do but I don’t really know if her family live here or somewhere else. I don’t know much about her. If she was my friend I’d be asking her what she was playing at though.

It is good that he came to football even if late and that he spoke to you. Doing his normal things is a protective factor for him.
It may have been her contacting him or it may have been someone else.

OP, I think it’s all going wrong and he’ll be home before long x

@7eleven please do not say that. You do not know what is happening and giving OP what could be false hope is cruel.

Funnily enough I was sent the legal definition of CSE yesterday to brush up on as we are having a visit from hmic....I'll send it to
You purple

So she didn't come to the football? I honestly think that it'll be his friends that open his eyes to the " weirdness " of it all.
Obviously up to you OP, but I'd just keep talk neutral, not ask him questions about if she's texting him and what the matter is. If she's on his back, the last thing you want is to be cast in the same grown up bag zone.

No she wasn’t at the football. I don’t know if they had an argument or something over it. He didn’t seem happy, was very quick to leave. I don’t know. It’s hard to know when he’s not really talking to me. I only asked because he seemed upset with whatever the messages said.

Pleased to hear you saw him and he went to coffee with you purple, that's progress after not seeing him for 3 weeks. From how you describe his behaviour and stress it sounds like she's coercively controlling him via his phone. It would be interesting to see their text communication, I wonder if the police will cease his and her phones to look at- that would be useful

Did the sw say anything about risk assessing this woman?

He didn’t go for coffee. I offered but he said no and that he had to go. The sw didn’t say anything about her specifically. She was more interested in my and DS’s relationship before this, how he was when his dad died and what he was like after he met her.

I think you're doing this really well. You're visibly there for him, and although he's not actively engaging with you, he knows you're there.

Stand firm. She must be getting seriously rattled having the Police and SS involved.

Ah I see. Still positive though. Well done purple, it must have felt so emotional to see him.

Shes building a case history, that's good.

I think this is positive too. It doesn't sound like he was cross or rude about you being there, or asking him questions? Keep doing what you're doing - quietly being there, respecting his space but being firm in your boundaries around this issue x

It must have been hard talking about all of that with the sw as well as seeing him. Look after yourself extra well.

I had a little cry in the car after, not going to lie. It’s horrible him not being here. The house is so quiet. I’ve been doing extra at work just to avoid coming home and distract myself from worrying about him. He looked tired when I saw him.

The sw was very nice but yes it was hard. I felt a little bit under the microscope tbh, but I suppose they have to look at it from all angles don’t they.

I take your point, but I did say I ‘think’ not that it was definite. It doesn’t seem likes he’s living life’s young dream, does it, so I don’t think it’s a massive leap to suggest it will end soon?

OP, if I’ve upset you, I apologise. I’d rather not be policed by other people though.

@PurpleLampShades It must be hard being under a microscope, but they do have to look at the whole situation.
It might not seem like it, but it is real progress.

I think so too. He could easily have been as angry as he was when he texted you. I don't want to read too much into it but my feeling is he was glad you were there, but felt conflicted. This is an important and positive stage. If he can feel you respecting his space, while continuing to show love, at some point it is likely he will feel safe enough to open up a bit more.

Have a restful evening, pamper yourself, you deserve it 💐

I don’t really get the ‘push together’ argument at all. I don’t think it bears out most of the time and much of it is a myth. We are social by nature, we take account of what people around us think of us, we take notice of what community figures think. In teenagehood there is a bit of rebellion, but on the whole we do notice if other people are worried about us, or think what we are doing is wrong. It matters on some level.

I have two friends who thought saying anything about their kids relationships or activities would ‘push them to do it more’. Now they regret being so hands off, as it’s too late and their kids are fully down that path and didn’t once hear their parents warn them or advise.

When I was worried about my sons drinking, lots of people said let them drink, let them drink at home, you will push them into drink more if you set limits. So I looked it on government websites - and it said that actually a parent advising to delay or not drink was much more beneficial than a parent being laissez faire. So OP I think getting SW and police involved as had no bad effect so far at all. He even contacted you. Of course he’s going to be miffed, he’s immature, but things do go in, he now has an outside frame of reference that perhaps this is really not that ‘normal’ and that other adults are concerned. That is no bad thing at all.

Purple when I get on laptop I will send you the email I got yesterday

Don't let this SW wander off topic - this isn't about you and him it's about her and him . Please be brave and assertive.