To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Don’t keep texting. You were getting somewhere until the sw turned up.

My first deletion by MNHQ 😮

Just leave it. You aren’t saying that to be supportive you are trying to score points and in the face of what the OP has going on you sound petty and ridiculous.

Boys at 16 aren't mentally mature, she's a groomer if she's sleeping with young boys. He's a kid and she's an adult, if it were the other way about he'd be called a pervert for sleeping with a 16 year old.

I'll look properly tomorrow. Still here .

Brilliant advice from 7cats, hopefully stillvicar will also add some insight when she can. Yes he's angry (and we always take it out on the people we love, its good he's expressing it and not keeping it in) but also must be really confused inside.

Look for any signs in his messages of mixed feelings, show him that you've heard he has both feelings going on and that must be really difficult for him. When you can get him to see he does have mixed feelings (he wants you to know he's okay, which shows he cares, but also doesn't want to upset this woman) and that its okay to be confused and torn by this, you can work with that to help him see maybe some space from this person might help him work out how he really feels. You can offer him the space to help him work it through, or find someone else who can, maybe a counsellor or another professional. Sorry bit rambling, but hope you get the gist. Keep going, you're doing a brilliant job xx

My second paragraph is what you're working towards, when the timing feels right.

OK they're having/ have had a strategy discussion- that's good, they're taking it seriously.

I agree with other posters advising the texts of love and support and not engaging in a discussion with him at this stage defending your actions.

Only other thing is making sure a specialist service are involved - i mentioned before about Barnados, but it could be your local DV or rape crisis service, every local authority with have different provision around it. The SW should be getting them involved.

Stay strong op

When he texts, in thinking of your response back consider - what will connect him? The most important thing now is building up your connection and realtionship with him. Just flood him with love and understanding.

☝
This x

I’m really sorry because I posted in a massive rush yesterday and it hasn’t quite said what I intended on re reading.

Dont get into a debate with him. Don’t explain yourself. The idea of texting to ask if he is going to football is a good one. Keeps it unemotional and makes no demands on him but gives an opening to text back if he wants.

The police and sw side will play out now and you almost have to disengage yourself from that in his eyes somehow. There’s nothing more you can do on that front but you can keep your relationship going with him albeit slow and hopefully build from there until the point he’s ready to come home.

The sw contact is a slight setback on that side of things but if you keep it de escalated in your contact it will not be a major one.

💐

No, I was just correct. Exactly what I said would happen if people kept egging her on to bombard him with text messages, police visits, college interference, social services etc has now happened. He has now been pushed even further away and become resentful - just as I said would happen. Has it ever occured to you when you were all slagging me off that I might actually have personal experience of this, hence why I was right? How about the people who keep egging op on to push him even further away so they can enjoy lapping up all the drama just leave it? Then we might start getting somewhere. Stop telling her to do things you know full well are counter productive. Even if he does leave the girl do you honestly think he's ever going to go back home after this? What is op going to do? Lock him indoors and take his phone away? I hope you've all enjoyed using her to get your daily drama fix out of making her situation even worse.

I fully respect your right to hold and express your views Luckilil, especially if it comes from similar personal experience. I think the key message we're trying to get across to the op is to flood him with love and understanding, not to punish him. But I'll defend the need to ensure the actual risks this woman presents need to be explored by professionals, it feels irresponsible to me not to. Good professionals will be able to work sensitively with the OPs ds to a positive outcome, maybe that is something that was missing from your experience and I'm really sorry if that's the case. I really hope it's not the case in this situation as (from experience too) it can well happen. I think stillvicar and pps are trying to ensure the right people get involved, not the wrong ones.

Rhere have been lots of varied suggestions including yours. Thankfully also some with professional knowledge. OP sounds sensible and will make her own mind up.

The reason you stand out is that your messages are all about you and your need to argue and be right and you continue in that vein. That is what is unhelpful.

I’m not going to engage with him with about what police/ss are or aren’t doing. Just keep reiterating I’m his mum, I love him and the door is always open etc.

Im going to pop down to the football tomorrow. If he’s there I’ll watch and maybe give him a wave if he sees me but won’t push talking if he doesn’t want to. I just want him to know I’m still here.

@LuckyLil The issue was your ‘advice’ (I struggle to call it advice tbh) was accusatory, unsupportive and blameful of me as his mother. I have chosen to ignore the majority of your posts because they come across as mean, unhelpful and presumptuous regardless of whether that was your intention or not. Demanding evidence to substantiate my feelings of concern was inappropriate and your accusations that I am to blame because I had to spend more time working to earn money, that I’m neglectful and controlling and have driven him away was just cruel and unnecessary. The fact is that social services have recognised that this needs investigation because there is a potential serious risk to my DS. That is all I wanted. Someone objective to look at it and offer the help and processes he needs.

If you were in a similar position to my DS when you were younger then I’m sorry you went through that and appear still unable to recognise how inappropriate it is. Please respect that I don’t want to read your ‘advice’ or point scoring if you are unable to separate your experience from mine. I am here for emotional support and constructive advice from people who are able to write their viewpoint with kindness, not cruelty, and share helpful parts of their own experiences. Your latest posts on the thread are childish and basically designed to reignite an argument. If you don’t have anything useful or supportive to add then don’t say anything.

I'd just stand in the background at footie.dont be overly there waving if that makes sense.a gentle wave or nod/smile so he's seen you.your there.not pushing. He'll remember that support.
Keep just loving him.
He will be overwhelmed and proud and teenagerish right now.
In these situations we also turn to a parent right.and so that will be making him jibber more because he can't run to you.yet.
Persistence op.
Having someone that never gives up is truly the most precious gift.it makes you feel like you can survive anything and like they are the greatest humans on earth.he might not no this yet,or he might.but from someone on the other side,having that some one is a life saver and you feel like you can breathe everyday because of it.

It is not necessarily being teeneragish. The relationship between OP and her son is incredibly fragile. It needs to be rebuilt.

It may be that the conclusion that the authorities come to could be that is doesn't constitute grooming. I'm not sure how near he was to 16 when he met her, whether they were friends to start with with interests music? gaming? in common
I'd maybe go to the football for when the match has started rather than him worrying before the match about you being there. I really hope for his sake he turns up, the more of the usual things he carries on doing the better,in order to sort out what he wants.

If I remember correctly the woman threw him a 16th birthday party, suggesting the relationship started before that at least emotionally. I don't understand why this woman's own family/friends/neighbours are condoning this or why the penny hasn't dropped for her after being spoken to by police. Maybe if the mash people and social services ask her enough questions she will be shamed into ending the relationship. Thinking of you op.

It does make you wonder what her friends/family/colleagues think of this relationship......

Her friends and family may be condemning the relationship. But that will just push them closer together.

He will need to fix things with her... it sounds like a stressful relationship, he needs to be careful with what happens as opposed to 'she will support me' . I'm glad ss is getting involved, I hope they help him to see the light.

It is an issue . The fact he doesn't want it known is irrelevant. Op let me know what happens with mash / police .

Great to see the SW are taking it seriously OP. Well done for keeping calm and being a great Mum who is doing everything to make sure her child has the best possible outcome.