To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Op I've just read the whole thread - god you poor thing. You've been given excellent advice and I don't want to overload you with more, other than to stick to what vicar is advising.

I would also hope that the VP unit refer to SS. I'm a SW and this def meets threshold for an assessment - I would have a lot of questions for this woman and would be getting other specialist services involved, to help your son with the impact of grooming, as well as support you in repairing your rel with him.

It's true that you often need to kick up a real fuss and that a lot of people in the police and SS are burnt out and you feel fobbed off. But that doesn't mean a better, more decent service isn't possible. My main takeaway for you is that this is too big for you to tackle alone, and that you and your son deserve the right support.

I've resolved not to let op get fobbed off .

I'm helping from afar but actually if I need to get more involved I will .

I'm hoping VP unit do right by her - but if they don't I have another tack .

Its like a luck of the draw sometimes with services isn’t it? How can it be one way in one place but not the same down the road. It’s bizarre. What other specialist services are there?

DS told the police he met her at a party he went to with some of his mates. It was a friend of one of their older sister’s party.

It is unless you have a bit of insider know how ....yea it can be the luck of the drawer. But I will keep helping in as far as I can .

@PurpleLampShades we are all here rooting for you ❤️. You've done nothing wrong and you're an amazing mum, that is clear from this post.

@stillvicarinatutu
You are an absolute legend with what you have done on this thread, and that you are willing to get involved on a professional level should it come to that. I hope you know what a really good egg you are

Quoting because I'll never spell your name right .

Thank you - but I'm just doing the job I signed up to do . If I can advise and help , I always will . Things don't always happen s they should - I know that , but I'm a mum and I know I'd appreciate help at a time like this .

(And I meant draw not drawer !) my autocorrect has a mind of its own !

@7eleven sending you a handhold, your story echoes the most painful period of my life in so many ways. Keep going, you are going to get through this, things will be better (maybe not perfect, but better) in the future I promise.

My daughter left home a few weeks before her 16th birthday and set up home with her 20-something boyfriend and his parents. She was a young 16, he had been in a position of trust, alongside his father, in a sporting capacity 😞 I did the weekly "I'm here, I love you, if you need me let me know " texts you are being advised to do, usually had no response. It was hell 😞 Long story short, a few months later I had a message - Please come and get me mum.

It took us a while but we got through it, our relationship changed (always will when a child moves back home!) and now things are great between us.

Stay strong, look after yourself (yes you DO have to eat, rest, have a long hot bath or whatever) and keep posting for support 💐
Mumsnetters get a hard time sometimes but there are wonderful people (looking at @stillvicarinatutu especially here, thank you for everything you've advised so far and your offer of ongoing support for OP, you are a true legend 🥂)

If you want to DM me then please do x

@7catsisnotenough it seems there's a few of us who have experienced this, it was indeed the worse time ever.
@PurpleLampShades please hold on to the fact that this will be over at some point, he may even want to come home now but doesn't want to lose face , but he WILL come home, he will xxxx

Sorry @7eleven that post was for OP @PurpleLampShades !!! Can't apologise enough for tagging you incorrectly 😞

@Vapeyvapevape it's frightening isn't it? Strangely it's almost comforting to hear that other people have gone through this, which sounds wrong but do you know what I mean? I wouldn't wish it on anyone 😞

I think what went wrong was the way you reacted. Punishing him and taking his things away from him to try and make him do what you wanted him to do has pushed them closer together. I know you don't see it but what you did is exactly what you claim she is doing. It's no different at all. You used punishment to try and coerce him into behaving the way you wanted him to behave - that by it's very definition is coercion and control. It doesn't work.

Maybe the way forward may be a bit of insight into your own reactions when people aren't behaving the way you want them to. You've been asked to stop texting and the obvious response is to do as you've been asked at least for the short term, but because you won't believe the texts are from him you will continue listening to people on here who are telling you to keep on texting him but just say different things. Firstly he's not going to believe you've had a sudden change of heart and take any nice texts seriously after all the drama of sending the police there, calling the college and turning up outside - and secondly if you do carry on texting he won't block you, he will just change his number.

The greatest danger right now if you continue calling the college and sending the police round there is that he will leave college and they will move elsewhere to get even further away. You can't see it right now but the current course of actions is still having the opposite effect of what you want and pushing him further away from you. He's 16 now and can consent to who he wants a relationship with. Wanting to decide who he consents to be with might work in some cultures but not in others. If you have evidence he was being groomed before he was 16 then you need to present that to the police, but think very hard about what it is you actually want to achieve here. Wanting the best for our 16 year olds and simply wanting to control them are grounded in very different intentions within ourselves.

Right now I think you need to back off completely. Stop calling the college because he's not going to thank you for it, and be aware that if you keep sending the police to her door they could both do a runner. If you do get him to come back home as a result of what he will probably see as pressurising him with the police, interference at college and in his personal life, he's going to be resentful. And what are you going to do if he continues contacting her? Take his phone away from him? Stop him from leaving the house? Remember where this all started..

@LuckyLil

You are repeatedly posting on this thread and blaming the OP for the situation which is unnecessary, uncalled for and unkind.

You are saying nothing you haven't already said on this thread before and you are saying nothing that is useful or supportive, perhaps your advice would be better received on a different thread...

I think what went wrong was the way you reacted.

I think what went wrong was the pervert woman who's grooming him.

Right now I think you need to back off completely.

The irony.

I do believe a previous post by the "helpful" Lil blamed OP for not being engaged enough with her son...?!

The situation IS NOT OP's fault, it's the fault of the 26 year old woman who is preying on her son!!!

You seem to be quite the expert @LuckyLil

@LuckyLil
Right now you need to back off completely.

On behalf of the OP and all the other posters on this thread can you please take your own advice and stop posting on here.

Absolutely nothing you say is helpful or said from a background of knowledge. You are deliberately antagonistic and come across as a very twisted individual.

It is true you have to think about what you are trying to achieve.
He is not going to be physically forced to leave her home and she is not going ti be imprisoned.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure no parent hasn't wished that they had handled a situation differently. Maybe the OP could have done different, but there is no saying it would have necessarily changed the outcome.

I mentioned previously that I had a 16 year old staying with us for a while (no one came and dragged her home, and previous to us she had lived in a very questionable place) I'm not sure her Mum did enough if I am honest, citing it just ended in an argument if she tried. I was open about being able to facilitate any contact but I wasn't taken up on it. In this situation though I would nag the YP to make contact, harder in the OP's situation as the GF has a vested interest in keeping it limited.

The situation there is slightly different (regarded her Dad) but in true teenage style, the more others tried to warn her off, the more she has dug her heels in. Maybe in time she will realise for herself, but it has to come from her.

This echos what other posters have said who have been in a similar situation to the OP, often the way back has to be from the YP themselves. Forcing anything will just make them dig their heels in even more.

The police involvement is the correct procedure at the moment though.

Oh dear op this must be terrible for you.
I think stepping back is the right thing.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but as a pp said, doing things differently doesn't mean a different outcome.

If it was me I would probably send one last text apologizing for the way you've handled it, that you were concerned about the age difference, you've since had time to reflect and you would like to make amends with both of them. If you want ds in your life, it's best to get her on board,
Keeps your friends close and your enemy's closer and all that.

It is about beginning to rebuild a relationship. If this was my son I would have two main worries.

1. That she gets pregnant and has a baby. This will turn what will probably be a short-term thing into a long-term issue.
2. That he leaves college. This is a protective factor for him. So although I would communicate with the college, I would not do anything that might push him away from the college and make him see it as an unsafe place.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but as he is under 18, I'm assuming you legally own his phone.

Does this give you any power to access text records or anything? Can police recover texts? That could prove the relationship started before he was 16.

No contact today. I hope he’s okay. I’m not sure about accessing phone records etc. I suppose that will be up to the police to decide if it’s warranted.

Just sit tight - can yku update me when VP unit have been in touch ? X

Hey I’m just checking in to say I’m still here with you op. You are doing so well and I know you must be so stressed. It will not go on forever though.

Still here op.there is so much waiting to be done.so try and keep going with your every day activities.keep your own normal,because losing your own routines will mess with your head even more.keep your safeties,your comforts.