To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Do you want to stick the boot in even more?

Maybe it’s her.

You send really pleasant

*sound

What? I mean maybe it’s that persistent troll above. Not the OP.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall I think she meant the other poster not the OP

@PurpleLampShades so sorry to read this situation and I can understand your worry, stress and frustration that you feel nothing is being done. I feel aghast at these responses, if we were talking about a 16year old girl moved in with a mid twenties man I very much doubt the responses would be the same.
did the college tutor have any luck checking in with him?
you are very right to raise cse concerns and I would sing that from every rooftop to anyone who would listen- police, ss, college. In the grooming process trust is built and needs are met - think to yourself what the pull and push factors for your son here? What did you think she she offering him in order to “ pull “ him - emotional needs? Feeling loved? Money, drugs etc etc

As he has known her quite some time he will unlikely consider their relationship abusive and that he’s her bf as she will have used this time to build his trust, isolate him, maintain control etc. if you look up the grooming triangle you will see the interplay between these things. I do not agree that this relationship is normal, healthy etc and you are right to trust your instincts.

i think one of the most important things is that your son knows that you care, that you continue to reach out to him and express that you love him,miss him etc. Being careful not to overwhelm him as that could push him back to her- focus on your feelings towards him Rather than towards her.
I hope the police have completed their checks and that gives you some comfort, also the tutor. You sound like a brilliant mum, your son it so lucky to have you in his life and I hope things turn around for him and he can remove himself from this situation with her long enough to see how unsuitable/ abusive it is x

Coercion is embarking on a series of actions in order to pressurise another person into doing what you want them to do. There's nothing wrong per say with accusing another person of controlling and coercing another person to make them do what they want them to do where evidence exists, but you do weaken your own argument and lose the moral high ground somewhat when the reason that person left is because you yourself removed their privileges or treasured possessions as a threat to make them do what you wanted them to do. It isn't only coercive for one person to use such actions but not another. We can't condemn others for what we do ourselves.

but you do weaken your own argument and lose the moral high ground somewhat when the reason that person left is because you yourself removed their privileges or treasured possessions as a threat to make them do what you wanted them to do. It isn't only coercive for one person to use such actions but not another. We can't condemn others for what we do ourselves.

Parents have a duty to discipline their children, as they get older that process is more of a negotiation but at 15 removal of privileges is a commonly used sanction. To compare that to the process of grooming or the abuse dynamic at play in coercive control is pretty twisted.

@LuckyLil

What are you getting out of this thread other than making OP feel shit and clogging up the thread with posts that make the professional advice people have shared harder to find?

You seem keen on people doing the right thing as you keep banging on about how people have wronged this woman and her 16 year old boyfriend in the descriptions of their relationship on this thread.

So maybe do the right thing yourself and back away from a thread that is doing no good to you, OP or literally anybody else?

The police have left him there. Said he appears safe and well and they don’t think she is a threat or there’s anything like county lines going on or anything. He promised them he would phone and speak to me but he hasn’t yet.

Oh OP this must be so, so hard for you.

I'm hopeful that @stillvicarinatutu can advise of any further steps you can take.

And that if a poster simply wants to stick the boot in (please remember it's only one of them doing so, almost everyone else has spoken sense) they leave the thread or MNHQ step in.

ah jeez op that’s awful and I was worried that might happen.

When it was my daughter I did what I said up thread. Texted her just saying night, sent her a photo of a beautiful dog I met. Never asked her to reply or mentioned the situation, just let her know I was there and I wasn’t pissed off with her.

it was a different situation as in Scotland but she texted one day and asked if I would come get her. I don’t know if you doing similar, not all the time, not every day, might be enough for him to know you are there.

I'm sorry but not surprised that the police haven't removed him. Despite the promises made by some posters on this thread, I think that was always going to be the most likely outcome. In my experience the police right now are slow to act even when a teen is alleging sexual assault or exploitation, let alone when they are saying they are fine.

Did you speak to the college again today? I would contact them again tomorrow and explain what has happened. As a 16yo living away from the family home, they will be concerned about him and try to offer him support. If they are also concerned about the nature of the relationship, they can try to push the police etc to get involved again. It's worth keeping lines of communication open with the college, just because other supportive adults there probably will want to encourage him to return home for lots of reasons.

You could try to push things further with the police, as well, but I am not sure it will get you anywhere.

We can all talk about what should happen, but unfortunately right now the reality is often very different.

I’ll keep texting but don’t even know if he’s getting to see them. I haven’t had any replies to any. I hope they’re right and it really is all ok. I still just want him home though.
College were supposed to phone me after speaking to him but didn’t. I’ll call them again tomorrow.

Op I'm working so my replies may be sporadic.

Have they submitted a child concern form ? Did you ask them ?

Do you have the incident number ?

If I were you I would now ring 101 back and ask to speak to the duty Sgt. Get the names of the attending officer (s) and ask the duty Sgt what the rational for leaving him there was . Stress to the Sgt that you know this relationship was going in before he turned 16 as he referred to her as his girlfriend. Ask if he minds giving you his name and collar number just
For reference.

Say the words - child sexual exploitation- tell him you suspect she was grooming him before he was 16 .

I would ask for confirmation of her age and if they admitted the relationship is not platonic.

Be really calm - but be assertive. Ask directly what their rational is if they are not treating this as a child concern and possible CSE .

Did they speak with him alone or with her present ?

If you get no where with this ask for the duty inspector. Ask the same questions of him - and also nicely ask for his name and collar number .

They may say that if you wish to raise a complaint then you may have to speak to the Sgt of the officers who attended .

If you get no reassurance from the duty Sgt or duty inspector, call 101 back and say you would like to raise a complaint in respect of inc no xxx . They will create a new incident "complaint against police " - this will go back on the active queue - in fact scrap my above advice and do this first - that way a duty Sgt should call you - they may not be the same group who attended so he will likely refer it to the attending officers Sgt - but then at least you have a new incident number in relation to the complaint.

You need to write a list of questions for that Sgt when he contacts you - and ask when he is back on duty .

Sorry this is garbled but I'm working - when you've raised this as a complaint get back to me .

And don't t worry about complaining- it will just be a means to create a new incident to get some answers.

You need to write a list
If questions and ask them .
Write down the answers and get the details of anyone you speak to .

When I know what they've said and their rationale for leaving him there I can advise further .

In a way, does it give you any comfort to know the police don’t suspect he’s at risk?

Clearly the relationship is batshit, but hopefully it gives you a bit of peace.

He’ll be back, by Xmas I bet. Stay calm, play the long game and always let him know there’s a way back from this.

Also -

Have a think about whether you would consent to him leaving home now or not - if you are begrudgingly reassured you may choose to play the long game - but the police still need to submit child concern forms - these would go to the protecting vulnerable people unit plus social services. That may get the ball rolling.

If you absolutely want him back or at least away from her at any cost then you can stress you do not consent to him leaving home , and that while ever you have PR and he is a minor you want him returned . Obviously only you can decide if that would simply make him view you as the enemy- but you do have options.

The police have purely conducted a safe and well check - not good enough imo.

You could ask the Sgt when they ring you if this was referred to anyone from their protecting vulnerable persons unit .....

Let them know that you are aware that they exist and if they had any input ....

This may make them take notice and actually do more than tell you he's fine .

The age of consent is 16 so if he's not yet turned 16 then this is a serious issue. If he's turned 16 already then why the hell didn't you raise it earlier when it would have been illegal?! I actually find the whole thing absolutely disgusting! What right minded 25 year old woman would be seeing a 16 year old child?!! It's disturbing!

I’m in no way minimising but this from my experience is good advice. You need to consider what you want here op; it sounds like he’s been groomed definitely and while the police SHOULD be involved, if your main aim for now is to get your son home or at least open a dialogue with him again you need to consider whether keeping pursuing a reluctant force to take action will help you achieve that, or whether it’s a drain of your emotional resources.

im not saying long term you shouldn’t push but if they are not going to physically remove him, or even if they did, would it risk your relationship even further?

like I say I’ve been in a very similar but different situation and there’s what quite clearly SHOULD be done and there’s what you pragmatically need to make sure IS done in the short term to try to keep a connection and to save your own sanity 💐

Tbh that's what I thought wouof happen. They can't make him leave against his will, there's 16 year olds living away from home in the army. The good thing is he's safe and going to college. Keep the lines of communication open, try not to be accusatory. I know with my teen, he needs time to come round to things, they can be very obstinate and think they know better than teachers and parents at that age.

They said they were there for over an hour and spoke to them in separate rooms at the house. They asked him about before he was 16 and he said nothing ever happened beyond just chatting like friends. She said the same thing. They both gave the same story and convinced them it’s nothing. They said they don’t think it’s a concern because he’s safe, looked after, calm and didn’t display any ‘signs’ of grooming. I asked what about the fact he’s left home and she’s always answering his phone? She told them she does that because he gets upset. He told them he left because he needed space from me. I said but he called her his gf when he was still only 15 but he says he didn’t say that and that never happened.

Just to clarify OP, in no way am I saying this is ok and you should accept it. It’s definitely not ok. I’d be horrified if it was my son.

It’s more that having had three teenagers and taught in secondary schools I know what teenagers are like. If the police physically make him come home, he’s very likely to be out the door the next morning and you’ll have no idea where he is. They can go from being stubborn, rash and wanting a cuddle and a sticker all in the space of half an hour.

Presumably the police who visited knew what they are doing (though advice from vicar duly noted) and he’s ‘safe’. He’s not thinking with his brain (sorry!)

What will the protecting vulnerable people unit do? Will they go and see him too? If he doesn’t want to come home I suppose I just have to bite my tongue and try to make sure he doesn’t disappear completely on me. I’m so upset.

OP, apologies if you’ve already said this, but is there a trusted family member or friend who can try to maintain a communication channel open with him?