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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:00

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

OP posts:
Sally090807 · 03/10/2022 13:13

Vapeyvapevape · 03/10/2022 13:09

Whatever way you look at it a 27 year old adult getting into a 'relationship' with a 15 year old minor is dodgy and any parent would be concerned.

Again, she’s guessing she’s 27, she doesn’t know her exact age.

rainbowruthie · 03/10/2022 13:15

Just sending some positive vibes to you, of course you are concerned, what mum wouldn't be x

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 13:43

PurpleLampShades · 03/10/2022 12:11

Ive never said anywhere that what I feel is happening is definitely true but what I’ve seen and heard is concerning. I’m allowed to have those concerns and I’m allowed to voice them. I don’t need to present evidence like I’m on bloody trial. Also, no ‘evidence’ doesn’t mean it’s not happening either. Maybe he is asking her to speak for him but that still doesn’t make it right. That’s not normal for him to not answer his phone or reply to texts or walk out of the house and not come back, so the question is why all of a sudden is he letting that happen or doing that? Something is happening and I am scared. Despite what you might think I do know my kid. I mean what do you suppose is going on then? With this woman in her twenties moving a 16 year old kid into her house with her? What possible innocent thing could it be?

You have called the police and social services making very specific allegations. Of course if you are making serious allegations you need to present evidence. Surely you must understand the police are not going to act because you 'feel' this and 'feel' that? You told us that you may not have been around much for him for a few years. A few years? I can understand being wrapped up in life for a few months. But without delving into the reasons why, a few years paints a very different picture of home life. Has it occurred to you he may have been deeply unhappy at home for longer than you realise, like a few years? My interpretation is that he has found an alternative mother figure in this woman. What I suspect is going on is that they probably decided not to do anything together until he reached 16 and that's why he walked out at that crucial point where he can now consent to who he has a relationship with, without your permission. I also suspect that as a belligerent 16 year old he has decided himself he doesn't want to speak to you off his own back. I also suspect that the way you reacted has forced them even closer together, and that you find yourself unable to accept that. I anticipate that he will possibly quit college soon as well, but not because of her. As I've said, she wouldn't be letting him go to college anyway where he might meet girls his own age if she was controlling and coercing him to do as she said. I hate to point this out but I'm only seeing one person struggling with the idea that they cannot control him and make him do what they want.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 13:54

@LuckyLil

Surely you must understand the police are not going to act because you 'feel' this and 'feel' that?

Well they have done. She's alerted them to her suspicion. They are going to visit him in the woman's home. So they're already acting.

'Surely you must understand' that's what has happened as OP explained it very clearly. She said:

"They are going to go round and check on him. I don’t know when, but I have an incident number now and they said they’d phone me back."

And you definitely don't understand how policing and ss work. You said:

You have called the police and social services making very specific allegations. Of course if you are making serious allegations you need to present evidence.

So if someone suspects a child, say a toddler, is being abused at home they shouldn't report it unless they can 'present evidence' that meets your perceived threshold? The police are there to investigate. If someone makes an allegation, they decide if it's worth investigating and act accordingly.

But PP was right it's not worth engaging with someone being deliberately obtuse. And an apologist for predatory behaviour.

PearlLennox · 03/10/2022 13:55

God please make it stop.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 13:55

PearlLennox · 03/10/2022 13:55

God please make it stop.

Sorry you're right I won't feed them anymore!

SuSen · 03/10/2022 14:00

@wellhelloitsme you have been very patient with the obvious numpty on this thread but I'm not sure I can take anymore, how can someone be so bloody stupid?! Makes me think they've engaged in this type of behaviour themselves..

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 03/10/2022 14:05

My interpretation is that he has found an alternative mother figure in this woman

So if a 16 year old girl moved in with a 28 year old man you would think he was her father figure?

Can’t you see any red flags here? Thank god the police and college are taking it seriously.

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 14:05

@Aussiegirl88 that sounds absolutely horrific, poor girl. And what a difficult thing to manage also. I hope you get some support also.

PurpleLampShades · 03/10/2022 14:14

You’re twisting my words to fit your own assumptions. You have no idea how much I’ve actually been around for him. My idea of being around and your idea of being around may be entirely different. For example, I haven’t been able to be around to see him off to school or be at home to meet him straight after school for 3 years because I’ve had to increase my work hours to pay the bills. I get back home about 6pm and we always eat dinner together and chat then. I also have to work one day a weekend now too instead of having the whole weekend to be with him. That’s what I meant by not being around as much. But you are determined to paint me as some terrible, neglectful but also controlling mother that he’s trying to escape from. You can ‘suspect’ all you want but so can i and I know my son. You don’t.

OP posts:
Howdoyoulikeyourtea · 03/10/2022 14:21

I’ve been reading this but not posted as I have no expertise.

I'm posting now to suggest you don’t read any further posts by @LuckyLil , they are not here to help you, just to antagonise you so are best unread.

Also a massive thank you to @stillvicarinatutu and others for their detailed help to you. It’s lovely to see MNetters able to help

RedHelenB · 03/10/2022 14:22

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/10/2022 11:53

It's really good that he's in college

Yes that is encouraging.

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 14:22

OP you are definitely, definitely not overreacting.

I still think many people in our society and on this thread don’t get safeguarding.

Safeguarding is not about ‘proof’ or conviction. The last thing it is about is evidence. Most abuse is very hard to get evidence, and that is not our job as members of society. Our job is to ‘alert’.

It’s about the greater understanding that we now have that red flags, inappropriate behaviour, inappropriate relationships, worrying signs. These should be acted on by each and every one of us. In fact it is so important that now if a teacher or professional suspects any kind of abuse, they MUST act on it and tell someone. They absolutely do not need proof, there very rarely is. The key word is suspects!

The action is to alert an authority (and if a professional and follow appropriate policy). They have the thresholds to act, and the ability to act.

The whole point is that we as parents or lay people do not have the training or power to make the judgement - so we must pass it onto to others that do. We don’t hide the information ‘just in case we are wrong’. And if we are very unsure, we can call NSPCC or similar who will advise.

This is because most abuse happens in secret and there were terrible cases where so many people ‘suspected’ but did nothing and told no one. Or told others and they did not act. And we as a society woke up.

So OP you are doing what every single one of us is supposed to do.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 14:39

What I suspect is going on is that they probably decided not to do anything together until he reached 16 and that's why he walked out at that crucial point where he can now consent to who he has a relationship with,

Which is the very definition of grooming, building a relationship with a child with a view to having a sexual relationship with them. And is the reason grooming legislation extends past the age of consent.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 14:49

Honestly OP you sound like a lovely mum who is absolutely right to be worried about this and absolutely right to be pushing for support from relevant services.

Ignore the poster trying to wind everyone up. I shouldn't have let them do it to me as it gave them more airtime on your thread where you've had some excellent advice Flowers

Moranguinho · 03/10/2022 15:37

This is really worrisome and you are very right to be calling the police. Would it be worth investigating her family, if you managed to get her surname before she blocked you? Sometimes typing addresses on google can turn up with names due to voting, I was just wondering if the family knew about her behaviour and may be able to help.

Thedogscollar · 03/10/2022 15:44

PearlLennox · 03/10/2022 13:55

God please make it stop.

We all know what you mean and it will.

Moranguinho · 03/10/2022 15:59

PurpleLampShades · 03/10/2022 12:11

Ive never said anywhere that what I feel is happening is definitely true but what I’ve seen and heard is concerning. I’m allowed to have those concerns and I’m allowed to voice them. I don’t need to present evidence like I’m on bloody trial. Also, no ‘evidence’ doesn’t mean it’s not happening either. Maybe he is asking her to speak for him but that still doesn’t make it right. That’s not normal for him to not answer his phone or reply to texts or walk out of the house and not come back, so the question is why all of a sudden is he letting that happen or doing that? Something is happening and I am scared. Despite what you might think I do know my kid. I mean what do you suppose is going on then? With this woman in her twenties moving a 16 year old kid into her house with her? What possible innocent thing could it be?

You need to go with your guts, what you know of him as a mom will surpass any theory anyone here may have. On the best case scenario, it's a spell and everything will get sorted. What if he is danger? You are right to take action. Thank goodness he is still attending college and staff can talk to him. Even if he doesn't open up, at least they can check on his wellbeing and you can get updates from them.

Mischance · 03/10/2022 17:23

PurpleLampShades - please do not get hung up on the one or two provocative posts - I think that you can see that most of us understand that as a Mum you are worried - and who wouldn't be?

It may be innocent but you quite reasonably need to be sure. It is definitely very odd, but hang into the good bits - he is in college today and their safeguarding lead is going to chat with him.

Just ignore the posts that are clearly trying to poke you into a reaction. You have enough on your plate.

OverArmour · 03/10/2022 17:24

Apologies if this has already been said, and Vicar is giving amazing advice, but does he have an iPhone, and is it on your account? It might be a bit stating the obvious but you may be able to look on Find my iPhone (or his google account if you happen to know the details) to see where his phone is at the time you know he’s at college. It may give you a pointer as to whether he has access to his own phone / where he is going.

kateandme · 03/10/2022 17:41

On a day he in in collage could you meet him at home time? Could you say something like you were in town,online shopping and saw this (hoody,game,food,whatever fits and would seem plausible) keep it friendly.keep it completely non confrontational.even you were doing your groceries and thought he might need some as he will be eating poor gf out of house and home by now haha.
or a text in general like “watching this tonight and was thinking of him because he always laughed at you watching it.any books he needs for collage etc.nothing she can twist.
keep going op.you no him.you no your gut.
there is lots of us here for you too.some posters live to beat posters into the ground,ignore them.

longleggitybeastie · 03/10/2022 17:42

You know what OP? Best case scenario is its some kind of misguided but relatively "harmless" relationship, but the only way to really find that out is by having this checked out properly. If he's pissed off with this intervention then so be it, it's a life lesson in appropriate communication, parental responsibility and safeguarding, which he will understand one day (soon, hopefully).

Things might get worse before they get better, but at some point he will realise just how much you've stepped up for him by doing this, in making sure he is safe, and not carelessly leaving him to it. You don't have to justify this action to anyone, it's simply the right thing to do.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 18:14

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stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2022 18:21

I think op is probably feeling quite shit enough about this while situation don't you ?

She has lost her husband and had to work more - that's not neglect - it's life .

I'd suggest if you can't say anything supportive, then use the old adage of saying nothing.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 18:28

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