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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:00

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

OP posts:
LikeTearsInRain · 03/10/2022 00:56

Could this be drug dealing related? County lines gangs and the such?

expat101 · 03/10/2022 00:58

Can can create another profile for yourself (do use a different name and some generic photo of a tree or something for the profile pic) and then do a search for him and her.

I have one and its surprising who have public profiles and you can read everything they post on their page... anyhow if this helps you, you can then screen shot or print off relevant stuff to assist police with your concerns.

but please, whatever you do, do not respond to anything you see and log back out of your fake profile each time.

expat101 · 03/10/2022 00:58

Can you ^^

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2022 00:58

Look . If people have been let down I'm sorry for that but this is what SHOULD happen .

It's not bloody poppycock . Can we win ? Ever ? As police ?

I'm telling op what to expect and what to ask for . I'm saying if this doesn't happen I'll advise further .

And you may think you know all about some of these enquiries into CSE but I was involved in one major one . Lessons have been learnt . And if the police aren't acting in the best interest of a child then they NEED holding to account.

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2022 01:00

I have been involved in op stovewood. That is the investigation into CSE .

Please op listen to me . Ignore some of the other dubious advice here .

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2022 01:03

expat101 · 03/10/2022 00:58

Can can create another profile for yourself (do use a different name and some generic photo of a tree or something for the profile pic) and then do a search for him and her.

I have one and its surprising who have public profiles and you can read everything they post on their page... anyhow if this helps you, you can then screen shot or print off relevant stuff to assist police with your concerns.

but please, whatever you do, do not respond to anything you see and log back out of your fake profile each time.

Great idea . Anything that shows they are in a sexual / non platonic relationship. That would get attention of the attending officer.

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 03/10/2022 01:29

Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me

I have a 15 year old.
A CHILD.
If they had a boyfriend or girlfriend in their twenties that they were staying at, and refusing to let me access to them, I'd be all on to stop myself barging the door down.
Predatory and perverted, he's under age.

SplendidUtterly · 03/10/2022 02:11

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 23:31

He’s blocked me on social media. I can’t find her on any either so I assume she’s blocked me too.

She will be backtracking I bet too and deleting stuff on both their accounts so that know evidence of them being "together" before he was 16 remains. 😡

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 02:24

Does he have a computer at home? Do you know the password?

I’d search his room?

Although @stillvicarinatutu could better advise

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2022 03:05

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 02:24

Does he have a computer at home? Do you know the password?

I’d search his room?

Although @stillvicarinatutu could better advise

I would .
I wouldn't tell him though . It's an invasion of privacy but for the right reasons.

SplendidUtterly · 03/10/2022 03:44

It's like @ToGanymedeAndTitan said... it's predatory and perverted behaviour. He is still a child and she is an adult?

Aussiegirl88 · 03/10/2022 03:56

Any updates OP. I do hope you're OK must be so worrying as its out of your control. My DD is 16 tomorrow and has had an extremely rough 16 years of her life with SA between ages 8-13 the man walked free, so she has alotof pent up rage. then her first week of Highschool, the 4th day she was savagely and viciously assaulted by some older kids resulting in life long damage and they were sent to Youth detention for about 10 months. She's gone down this path of can do what she wants because she's a victim and if you try to inflict rules or boundaries she self harms.

Being a parent is amazing but also extremely difficult and unrewarding at the best of times.

please reach our if you need to vent!

PinkButtercups · 03/10/2022 06:10

I posted last night about her being a pedo as she was with him when he was 15 (age gap is just wrong anyway, he's a literal child).

Now I've seen what you put after and honestly this isn't your fault in the slightest.

She's a predator. She's seen a weak, vulnerable boy grieving and pounced. This is what they do.

Weirdlynormal · 03/10/2022 06:38

OP keep pushing the police. I hope you get some traction soon.

noideabutstilltrying · 03/10/2022 06:44

I am in a similar situation.

My 14 year old daughter has left home and is staying with a family I know nothing about.

It's been a month so far and police and social workers are powerless. My daughter is refusing to come back, see family or speak to family.

I am sending a message a day to say that she is welcome home and there has been nothing said or done which can't be sorted.

It's so frustrating that as her mum there is nothing I can do. She's not been at school for this time. Again, no support.

I hope that just reassuring your son that he can come back will do the trick

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 07:12

It's been a month so far and police and social workers are powerless. My daughter is refusing to come back, see family or speak to family.

It’s not true they can’t do anything (I’m not saying you’re lying that they aren’t, but they can). At 14 they can use harbouring legislation to remove a child and return them home or put the child in a place of safety. If you know where she’s staying and who with I’d be asking police and social work what they’re doing and why they aren’t using their powers to remove your daughter.

Sally090807 · 03/10/2022 07:18

cheekytucker · 03/10/2022 00:55

I really don't want to believe that a mother cannot protect her child (a minor) at the hands of a 27 yo predator and no available authority to enforce this protection. It's not a simple take a step back. A 27 yo has no business with a 15/16 yo end of. You have done the right thing op

She said she is guessing she is 27 and doesn’t know her exact age.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 07:21

Some of us have experience of these situations. All this talk about seizing phones is poppycock.
Unless she is involved in County Lines or something else dodgy, the police will do nothing.

Some of us also have professional experience and know very well the powers statutory services have available to them. Given the relationship began when he was 15, any communication that she intended a sexual relationship, including waiting til he was “old enough” is evidence of grooming. He doesn’t need to have been moved, no one else needs to have been involved and he doesn’t need to have been beaten for sexual exploitation - simply that there’s an imbalance of power and some kind of exchange that entices the child to have sex with her.

Her age creates the imbalance of power and housing him, feeding him, caring for him can be seen as exchange.

The legislation and practice guidance has significantly changed since Rotherham etc and the definition of CSE has been tightened enormously.

OP if you suspect some of their communication was online (eg they met on a game, or used social media to communicate) you could speak to CEOP who are brilliant with this kind of thing.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 08:10

LikeTearsInRain · 03/10/2022 00:56

Could this be drug dealing related? County lines gangs and the such?

Could this have already been mentioned countless times since page one?

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 08:15

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/10/2022 23:09

@LuckyLil he was being abused when he was 15 as the OP has said he was with her then.

Unless there's evidence he was having a sexual relationship at 15 that does not mean he was being abused.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 08:22

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 23:28

@LuckyLil

Likewise it doesn't mean he is being coercively controlled, abused, brainwashed, prevented from answering his phone or going the door.

I am baffled that you consider a woman in her late twenties dating, living with and (sorry op) almost certainly having sex with a boy who has just turned 16 (who she started seeing when he was 15) as anything other than abusive.

They were definitely in contact in May because that’s when I was asking about his birthday and what did he want to do and he said nothing because his gf was organising something.

She was his girlfriend when he was 15, at best.

Why are you so keen to position this as something that isn't abusive?

Even if they 'only' kissed when he was 15, that's technically sexual contact and meets the legal threshold of a sex offence.

In the UK, there is no such thing as a ‘legal age gap for dating’ as long as the age gap does not cross any age markers involves in sexual offences legislation.As such, it is not illegal for, say, a 20-year-old and an 80-year-old to date (or even marry), but it would be for a 20-year-old and a 14 year old to date where that dating involved any sexual activity or communications related thereto.

If the alleged perpetrator is over the age of 18 and the investigating officer or prosecuting lawyer determines the kissing to be ‘sexual’ in nature, the charge is most likely to be the offence of ‘sexual activity with a child’ under Section 9 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
There are two ways in which this offence might arise, as stipulated in the wording of section 9:
1 A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if—
1 he intentionally touches another person (B),
2 the touching is sexual, and
3 either—
1 B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or
2 B is under 13.
A person also commits an offence if they cause or incite a child to engage in sexual activity (under section 10 of the SOA 2003). If the child is a family member, a special offence applies under section 25 of ‘sexual activity with a child family member’.

So we know he was engaging in sexual activity at 15 then? Sorry, I didn't realise that. My mistake.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 08:25

@LuckyLil

So we know he was engaging in sexual activity at 15 then? Sorry, I didn't realise that. My mistake.

Legally speaking, them kissing when he was 15 counts as sexual activity so falls under the sex offence I shared above.

I think it's almost 100% unlikely he was referring to her as his girlfriend if they hadn't at minimum kissed at some point between May and him turning 16 in July, don't you?

FitFat · 03/10/2022 08:35

Unmumsnetty hugs OP.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 08:38

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 00:06

@stillvicarinatutu

Absolutely, which is why it's so important OP follows your excellent advice on this thread to do everything possible to make that happen.

I'm shocked that so many people don't believe that a criminal offence has been committed even though he was under 16 when first his 'girlfriend'.

What criminal offence has been committed? We don't even know there was any sexual activity before he turned 16. They might have waited. At 16 you can consent to sex with a pensioner if you want to. The fact other people might find it unpalatable is neither here or there. I am slightly more on the fence with this specifically because people have made a whole series of allegations of law breaking but given no evidence. Speculation is not evidence.

LuckyLil · 03/10/2022 08:42

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 08:25

@LuckyLil

So we know he was engaging in sexual activity at 15 then? Sorry, I didn't realise that. My mistake.

Legally speaking, them kissing when he was 15 counts as sexual activity so falls under the sex offence I shared above.

I think it's almost 100% unlikely he was referring to her as his girlfriend if they hadn't at minimum kissed at some point between May and him turning 16 in July, don't you?

Again, you're just speculating. You don't know any of that for a fact. How do you know they they even kissed? You don't.

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