To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

When I was going through something along similar lines (although different) with my daughter. It was my best friend who could look at her social media and that was how we found out where she was and who she was with. Is there someone else close who could scroll and screenshot anything? It needs to be someone who won’t tell him anything so none of his own friends I would say.

Id try to do that before the police go round, in case it spooks them and they delete.

Yes if anyone else can look at their social media and screenshot anything relevant 👍

I was reminded of that case too.

But police can access all . They should seize their phones as evidence and interrogate them for any messages, what's app etc .

If she's locked up I mean . So the more evidence written on the initial incident the more likely this is to happen

I would go about the other way , I would stop all contact, messages, going around her place etc and see if it makes a difference. Teens these days are very underestimated, they’re actually know right from wrong but in their own time , the more you force him the more stubborn he gets , let him be for a while

this ^

the more you push the harder he gets wedged in

send him a text just saying my door is always open whenever you need me, love you

sont say anything else

then stand back and do not contact again for at least a week

then text if you really myst

hi hope everything’s ok with you

its not a text that needs answering, but contact all the same

keep any contact light and at least 7 days between you contacting him

and the hard part waiting

but if you want him back you need to back of

There's literally nothing at all you can do, no law us being broken. The best thing you can do is turn a blind eye, eventually it will fizzle out and he will be back wanting his mum. The more you fight the more you push him towards her, its bonds them more! You've got to just grit your teeth and accept it is whst it is, despite how unsavoury

But if this is a case of CSE / county lines etc then any time he's there he is very vulnerable and at risk, as I'm sure @stillvicarinatutu can explain better than me.

This isn't someone having a dickhead boyfriend / girlfriend older than them. This is a child more likely than not to be at risk of abuse at best and actively being abused at worst.

He's legally a child. The relationship started when he was under the age of consent. As explained upthread, even if they kissed when he was 15 and she was mid 20s, that's legally sexual contact and meets a sex offence threshold.

He is in real and present danger.

I'd agree with all this advice if there weren't a criminal element that's needs to be investigated.

If he were 19 I'd say different.

If he were 16 moving in with his 16 year olds girlfriends family I'd say different.

I'm not recessive. I was engaged at 17 to a 23 year old. My dd was in the pill at 14 because she was in a serious relationship with her 15 year old boyfriend.

But this is a 16 year old engaging in a sexual relationship with a bloody 27 year old woman who began this relationship when he was 15 ! This isn't normal !

Even if they 'only' kissed when he was 15, that's technically sexual contact and meets the legal threshold of a sex offence.

In the UK, there is no such thing as a ‘legal age gap for dating’ as long as the age gap does not cross any age markers involves in sexual offences legislation. As such, it is not illegal for, say, a 20-year-old and an 80-year-old to date (or even marry), but it would be for a 20-year-old and a 14 year old to date where that dating involved any sexual activity or communications related thereto.

If the alleged perpetrator is over the age of 18 and the investigating officer or prosecuting lawyer determines the kissing to be ‘sexual’ in nature, the charge is most likely to be the offence of ‘sexual activity with a child’ under Section 9 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

There are two ways in which this offence might arise, as stipulated in the wording of section 9:
1 A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if
1 he intentionally touches another person (B),
2 the touching is sexual, and
3 either—
1 B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or
2 B is under 13.

A person also commits an offence if they cause or incite a child to engage in sexual activity (under section 10 of the SOA 2003). If the child is a family member, a special offence applies under section 25 of ‘sexual activity with a child family member’.

And if the police can get access to his / her phone and see sexual communications from when he was 15, that's also a criminal offence she's committing.

We can if she is arrested for cse or sexual activity with a child .

Then we can seize phones and download them.

@stillvicarinatutu

Absolutely, which is why it's so important OP follows your excellent advice on this thread to do everything possible to make that happen.

I'm shocked that so many people don't believe that a criminal offence has been committed even though he was under 16 when first his 'girlfriend'.

Op please post the result of the police visiting him .

I'll advise when you update me .
Sleep tonight x

[Flowers] vicar for your perseverance.

Everything crossed for you OP that this is all resolved safely and quickly.

Thank you.

I'm so pissed off at the attitude here .

Remember everyone lambasting police for the Rotherham CSS so E scandal? And the Rochdale CSe scandal? Children being sexually exploited by adults ?

Well . Go figure . There's me as a cop saying bloody hell this is wrong and it's criminal and all I'm getting is "no you can't make him go home he's 16 blah blah blah "

Wow . I'm shocked. I'd be giving this advice whether it was a 16 year old girl with a 27 year old man or as is here a 16 year old boy (child ! He's a
Minor !) with his 27 year old old woman .

This is not acceptable. It needs and warrants an investigation at very least ! Safeguarding. Background checks . Etc etc .

Next time there's a "police are all shit " thread please remember this one .

Unreal isn't it?

And radio silence when I've shared the definition of the sexual offence if they had any sexual contact (which includes kissing legally) when he was 15, which seems undeniable if he was calling her his girlfriend at that age.

And as you say, if she can be arrested then they can take a look at her phone in order to investigate any sexting etc.

And as depressing as it might be, I would bet a lot of money that almost all 15 year olds in relationships (especially with adults) are overwhelmingly likely to have sexted aka sexual communications aka another criminal offence.

Thanks for being persistent on this thread, OP is lucky to have had informed advice from someone who knows what they're talking about.

As I say, nobody has challenged the legal definition I shared as I presume they didn't realise but are too proud to say they didn't realise it was an offence but now know it's is

Absolutely!!
Your advice has been exceptional. Thank you for keeping your cool there are some strange people on here who seem to think this is no big deal.
@PurpleLampShades I too have had my troubles with a teenage son my heart goes out to you. This situation is far from ok and I hope it gets resolved quickly with your son back with yourself or at least in a safe place.

I also think @stillvicarinatutu advice is very good.

There is a lot of wrong advice. The ‘leave him to it and wait’ is really bad advice. Kids don’t get into more trouble if we speak up as parents and act responsibly, they are being given life lines - which we should keep putting out whether these are nice ‘I’m here for you, please meet me, texts’ or legal alerting authorities. It is all parental duty of care.

That’s really worrying,

Some of us have experience of these situations. All this talk about seizing phones is poppycock.
Unless she is involved in County Lines or something else dodgy, the police will do nothing.

Also parents should not just do nothing and wait. But you have to build a relationship with teenagers and talk to them. OP punished her son, so her son simply walked out.
This woman is not going to be sent to prison unless there is much more happening than is on this thread. So the only way to keep the son away is to get him to see the issues for himself.

In Rotherham the girls were beaten, threatened and passed around the men. They were also as young as 10 years old.

I'm grateful op appears to be heeding what I'm saying.

And I can advise further when I know what the result of the safe and we'll check is .

I'm hoping that what is now on the incident is enough to get an investigation underway . If this adult has nothing to hide then any investigation will show that and they can be on their merry way .

(Somehow I'm doubting that but let's see )

Op please give the police as much information as yku possibly can - get friends to have a look at social media if you are blocked.

There is enough here for to have suspicion of wrong doing - I'd be consulting the vulnerable persons unit and if there's enough to lock up I'd be doing so and passing it to them to investigate. This is beyond a beat Bobby . Needs the child abuse bods on it . He needs removing from her home ASAP . Ensure they know this isn't someone in loco parentis. That's important.

I really don't want to believe that a mother cannot protect her child (a minor) at the hands of a 27 yo predator and no available authority to enforce this protection. It's not a simple take a step back. A 27 yo has no business with a 15/16 yo end of. You have done the right thing op