To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

I have rung back to say about cse concerns. They said they'll add it to the incident but they still might not get to it until tomorrow. I just know I’m not going to sleep. I don’t know whether to send him a text or not.

Op that's good . It means when a cop does read the incident those cse concerns will be on it . My advice is not to send a text tonight. Let police go first and don't tip either of them off that they may be in for a visit - police need to see the reality- what the house is like , is it tidy , the sleeping arrangements etc . If you send any text tonight they'll know you have concerns and this could skew the reality of how things are when police turn up . I know it's hard but don't contact them . Leave it until after police have visited.

Likewise it doesn't mean he is being coercively controlled, abused, brainwashed, prevented from answering his phone or going the door.

I hope the Police take this seriously OP and you hear from them soon.

It's understandable if you can't sleep. Try your best to look after yourself as much as you can. You're doing the best you possibly can for your son and make sure you take care of yourself as well.

Op - get some sleep . He isn't in immediate danger . You've done absolutely the right thing , so now it's just a waiting game .

Please tell me what the police say when they do get back to you and I can advise further if they haven't done what I believe they should be .

Keep hold of the incident number .

And ask re child concern referrals too .
Then let me know what they have done .

I think I would text and just say sleep well, love you. Then try your best to sleep yourself

Sorry, I’m in England, not Scotland.
DS turned 16 end of July. They were definitely in contact in May because that’s when I was asking about his birthday and what did he want to do and he said nothing because his gf was organising something.

If this is normal behaviour from op then fine but nothing out of the ordinary. Don't alert them to anything different. 👍

@LuckyLil he was being abused when he was 15 as the OP has said he was with her then.

Bingo op .

Do you have any texts or anything?

That's evidence of CSE . Can you add that to the incident too ? I know it's another phone call but it's so relevant. You need to ensure that the police know this is a "gf" and not a concerned caring adult in loco parentis.

Thank you for your help. I do appreciate it all.

Make that further call - tell them what he said about his birthday arrangements.

Then sleep . I'll keep checking in . X

Excellent advice from stillvicarinatutu.

For those posters that are questioning whether there's been any suggestions of coercive control, County lines etc and think it's a genuine relationship... That's the whole point of a police/sw investigation, to assess the risk and gather any evidence.

I don’t have any texts. It was a conversation we had.

No problem but still get that on the incident. Massive alarm bells should be ringing when they see that . Please get that in the incident.

Also rack your brains for any evidence of this relationship in writing - texts , what apps , Facebook- anything.

Have you looked at his social media or hers ?

@LuckyLil

Likewise it doesn't mean he is being coercively controlled, abused, brainwashed, prevented from answering his phone or going the door.

I am baffled that you consider a woman in her late twenties dating, living with and (sorry op) almost certainly having sex with a boy who has just turned 16 (who she started seeing when he was 15) as anything other than abusive.

They were definitely in contact in May because that’s when I was asking about his birthday and what did he want to do and he said nothing because his gf was organising something.

She was his girlfriend when he was 15, at best.

Why are you so keen to position this as something that isn't abusive?

Even if they 'only' kissed when he was 15, that's technically sexual contact and meets the legal threshold of a sex offence.

In the UK, there is no such thing as a ‘legal age gap for dating’ as long as the age gap does not cross any age markers involves in sexual offences legislation.As such, it is not illegal for, say, a 20-year-old and an 80-year-old to date (or even marry), but it would be for a 20-year-old and a 14 year old to date where that dating involved any sexual activity or communications related thereto.

If the alleged perpetrator is over the age of 18 and the investigating officer or prosecuting lawyer determines the kissing to be ‘sexual’ in nature, the charge is most likely to be the offence of ‘sexual activity with a child’ under Section 9 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
There are two ways in which this offence might arise, as stipulated in the wording of section 9:
1 A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if—
1 he intentionally touches another person (B),
2 the touching is sexual, and
3 either—
1 B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or
2 B is under 13.
A person also commits an offence if they cause or incite a child to engage in sexual activity (under section 10 of the SOA 2003). If the child is a family member, a special offence applies under section 25 of ‘sexual activity with a child family member’.

He’s blocked me on social media. I can’t find her on any either so I assume she’s blocked me too.

Ok . The police can access that . Dont worry . But get that he referred to her as his gf on the incident please. (When he was 15 ) this is very relevant.

Do you pay for his phone?

This is one way to still keep in contact. Ask him to meet you as something has happened with the mobile contract and you need to sort it out with him there. Be smart, try to glean a little without being direct about his situation. Make yourself as amenable to his state of mind as you can, listen a lot, treat him to something nice, meet in a nice cafe and order food… keep enticing him out of the house.

The more you say the more strongly I feel she needs arresting on suspicion of CSE .

That's not to say she is guilty- it's a means to investigate.

And yes he will hate you for it so it's imperative he had another relative to stay with whilst any investigation is underway .

But you are doing the right thing . Absolutely. He will come round . Takes time . But to do anything other right now would be negligent. If this is true love and nothing untoward has ever happened they can pick up where they left off .

This....

And put it in writing. You need to create a paper trail.

Good luck!