To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

An grandparent or aunt or family friend if he is unwilling to go home but the more adults that can express concern re this relationship the better .

"Maybe I haven’t been around a lot the last few years since his dad died. "

Sadly I think that one sentence will have a lot to do with how this may have developed. He appears to have found an alternative mother figure instead, who has been around a lot for him.

The fact that he was with her before his 16th birthday is proof enough that he was in a relationship with an adult when he was still a child by law, and is grounds for police intervention. Her coercive behaviour now shows that it is still a power imbalance and not a healthy relationship, I understand your frustration and how you must just want to grab him and bring him home safe. You're doing the right thing to involve the police, I hope your son is removed from her!

I haven’t been round there today or yesterday. I tried to call him once yesterday and once today. I’m not screaming through the letterbox when I’ve been round there. I went round there last Sunday and each weekday on my way home from work. I just want to see/speak to my DS. I’ll wait for the police to call me back and then maybe send him a text.

Exactly this! If they were in any kind of relationship before he was 16 this is a clear case of grooming. How are people not understanding this?!
OP- You need to go back to your local safeguarding team, social work and the police. This needs a full investigation, she is a predator. Where does she work? Does she have access to other children or vulnerable people?
There is no doubt that reporting and continuing to speak out will cause some damage to your relationship with your son, that's exactly how grooming works, they isolate the victim from any family and friends but if you want to protect your son that's a sacrifice you will need to make.

Nobody is saying leave them to it. They are saying you need to handle this more gently with him. You need to get to a position where he will listen to you.

Christ. As a woman in my late 20's this makes me feel a bit ill. She is a predator, nothing less.

15-16 year old boys are literal children.

I'm so sorry OP. I completely understand your response. I would be going ballistic if that were my son, though I know that isn't helpful.

Genuinely don’t understand some of these posts. Is it really considered controlling to call your child every day because they’ve shacked up with a woman 10+ years older when they’re only 16? How is evidence that someone else is consistently picking up his phone and telling his mother he doesn’t want to talk not coercive control? We’d all recognise it if OP was talking about a friend whose new boyfriend was doing this - I don’t understand how some people are trying to justify what is going on?!

OP’s behaviour is normal. Her child is only just 16. I hope the police are able to get him out of this situation @PurpleLampShades.

I would call the safeguarding team at his college and explain the situation. They should be able to speak to him discreetly and support him.
I work in a college and if a member of staff found out a student was in a relationship with that age gap we would go straight to safeguarding and flag possible grooming.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy it is only coercive control if she is not letting him talk to his mum or preventing it happening. It is not coercive control if she answers the phone because he asks her to and to say he does not want to talk to his mum.

It is an inappropriate relationship because of the age differences, but we do not know what else is actually happening.

I hope that the police will be in touch soon and able to offer some help.

So there's no possibility whatsoever that he might be asking her to answer his phone because he genuinely wants to be left alone and doesn't want to speak? It can only possibly be coercive control of course. There's not even the remotest possibility that he might have a mind of his own naturally.

What is the latest time the police will go there tonight do you think? Is it more likely tomorrow now?

If they haven't got there by midnight I reckon they'll defer it until a reasonable hour . Do t wait up - just keep your phone on.

Did you ring back to add the stuff about CSE etc ? If not do it .

Sounds like you've made a sensible decision OP. I think speaking to college safeguarding lead is important too and would prioritise that in the morning. It doesn't matter if they can't do anything more they are a different voice and they will have contacts and a relationship with SS that you don't have so whatever people say they may be taken more seriously. Especially if DS has not been attending college or a teacher has noticed anything about his behaviour that is different or concerning.

Also bear in mind because there is no immediacy more pressing jobs might get dealt with first - it may take a while for officers to get there but I do think you need to mention CSE because that may prompt a different response when they get there - the difference between arresting her and doing a safe and well check .

So there's no possibility whatsoever that he might be asking her to answer his phone because he genuinely wants to be left alone and doesn't want to speak in her later 20s this woman should recognise that a 16 year old boy isn't an appropriate boyfriend. No-one is saying that your description isn't a possibility but that doesn't make how she is acting normal or OK.

It's all about what's written on the incident you see -

cse is a massive hot potato and with t be ignored.

But if it just says he's gone to live with another adult and you want to make sure he's ok that's all they may do .

Get the CSE implication on the incident otherwise you're back to square one

This is not true if the op is in Scotland which is why I was trying to check that out.

I am assuming she is in England or wales . If not yes rules are different.

Bit saying that - if there is some suggestion of CSE it should be dealt with as such .

How long before he turned 16 was he in the relationship? Either way she got into a relationship with an underage boy. Looks like they have been waiting until he turned 16 for him to leave your home.

Yes but they won’t remove abd a return a 16 year old up here (been there).

hopefully she is in England and they can although then you’re dealing with the fallout of that I guess.

@Somethingneedstochange OPs son walked out of the house. We have no idea if it was planned.

It's a horrible age, 16, because legally there is little anybody can do. IMO, the law needs looking at to prevent young people aged 16-18 being exploited or entering into relationships like this. Maybe the age of consent laws need revising for children 16/17- maybe that only people need to be within x years of their age, otherwise a crime has been committed?

OP, I really hope you can find some way to get your son home and safe.